Monday, 18 April 2016

Slings And Arrows

I was speaking today with someone who let slip that he has not spoken to his son in four years.
I didn't ask why, it wasn't my place even though I was sort of interested to know just how bad a slight could have caused such a rift.
When asked if the falling out was truly a permanent thing, I was greeted with a rather lacklustre "probably" as a reply.
I didn't explore the subject anymore.
I just couldn't be arsed.

I have never really fallen out with anyone on this drastic a level. True there are people I cannot be arsed with, but that is usually a result of them being in someway irritating , boring or homophobic.
The older I get, the less I can be bothered with fools as I see them, so ignoring them is the best option
Ignoring someone is not holding a grudge.
There is limited anger in the action.

A few years ago now, I spoke to someone who is a talented cook. I suggested quite sweetly that they enter a particular item in our flower show's cookery section and was surprised to hear a somewhat angry reaction of " I shall NEVER enter that show"
I didn't react to the comment, though I would have loved to have done so....for that brief reply held a myriad of set of emotions. A slight, an anger of being crossed...something I was not really privy to.  I recalled that the person involved had never in recent years walked into the show itself even though they lived in the village for an age....

I thought about this one day and discussed it with the Prof when we were out joyriding in the Berlingo.

"I wonder what the slight was?" I mused. " Perhaps it was an upsetting second place certificate for a previous well loved recipe " "Perhaps there was a falling out over a particularly lurid flower display?"
I put various scenarios to the mega brain in the passenger seat.....
He raised a Roger Moore eyebrow as I banged on
"what do you think could be the reason for them not even entering the show?" I asked him finally
The Prof sighed
" Have you ever thought that they simply might not like YOU?" he said

I laughed......and thought
"fair Comment"

86 comments:

  1. Nope...that couldn't be it....muse further

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  2. Sometimes you have to pull back from a toxic relationship in a family...I had a bullying mother...one has to think of one's own physical and mental health, even though it is sad.

    Having seen the goings on behind scenes of one or two village shows...sometimes it is politic to stay clear!!

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    1. I have not spoken to my parents since 1988; too toxic and abusive. I HAD to cut them out of my life for my own sanity.

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    2. Good for you...

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    3. @Anne Marie: my sister and I have been estranged since 2007. She's probably a sociopath (I looked it up & her behaviours are all listed there!)& I can't be bothered with her.

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    4. I have 3 siblings and am estranged from all of them. I could write a book about the goings on. As others have said, toxic relationships need to be avoided for reasons of self preservation, and I am happier without the drama and hurt each of them caused.

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  3. A lot of us boring people, like you. Not everyone likes me, that is okay.

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  4. How could anyone not like you? (I'm brown-nosing now). I would NEVER enter your vegetable animal competition, but that's only because I would never be able to compete.

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    1. Eoh lord, he's up to something

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    2. Yuch, yuch, yuch.........

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    3. I should have had you bitch slapped when i had the chance

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    4. You don't seem like a bitch slapper John, More a pained polite smile, while churning inside, type of fellow.

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  5. Not liking you would be a very dumb reason to not enter the show.
    I didnt speak to my brother for a number of months once. We arent close so he didnt even notice until I (shamefully) didnt congratulate him on his daughter's birth.
    Looking back, it was all a bit silly but I do understand how the long silences develop

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    1. On reflection i think i understand the reason for the behaviour........i shall say no more

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  6. I expect in the village there may well be people who don't like you, for whatever reason. I also think that blogger John Gray of Wales might not always quite match John Gray, the village neighbour in (copy, paste) Trelawnyd.

    As for person who has not spoken to his son for four years, surely the natural response is, why not? Is that really too confrontational or inquisitive?

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    1. As my mother used to say
      " you dont know anyone properly unless you follow them home"

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  7. My father-in-law fell out with his son over something silly and they didn't speak for about 20 years. Sounds ridiculous (and it was) but sometimes you just can't fathom what makes people tick.

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    1. Sometimes the very reason of the spat dissapears over time

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  8. It maybe the son hasn't spoken to him rather than the other way around. I have a younger daughter who moved out at Christmas and won't answer texts calls or invitations.

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    1. How sad.....what are your plans with said daughter?

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  9. So much time and lost opportunities are wasted being angry, many times for little reason. There are people who we just don't get along with and are best avoided, but I can never understand not trying to work out situations within a family. I always find it so sad.

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  10. who WOULDN'T like you, john? ya just never know what makes people tick...

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  11. Years ago, when I worked for International Paper, had a candy dish on her desk. Every week I'd give her $2 or $3 to help keep it filled and she'd always take the money and chit chat with me. This went on for couple of years until one day another manager told me I should stop with money and the chit chat. When I asked him why he said "she doesn't like you, she never has." It bothered me for a couple of days, but I got over it. We never talked again. Life is strange.

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    1. The other manager should not have said anything.....it was up to her to be honest .then you could have emptid the sweets on her head

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    2. Yes, it may have been better just to ask her if there was a problem. The manager may have been wrong, or just wanted the chit chat to stop and addressed it in a deceitful way so as to blame her. She may have always wondered why you stopped speaking to her.

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  12. How could anyone not like you? You're perfection. Well, maybe that would do it. Anyway, that response sounds more to me like one of the things you suspected and clearly nothing to do with you.

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  13. I expect you were right the first time. She's probably one of those cooks who can't stand to be beaten; especially by someone she knows and considers less adept. I'd put money on it.

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    1. I think i know the reason..another reason

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  14. Nope, that reply has nothing to do with you. They probably needed to go home and have a nice, long, relaxing poo, as anyone who would harbour the least bit of ill feeling toward you is obviously full of something unpleasant. (Ha, top that Tom!)

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  15. GOOGLE TRANSLATOR
    "Joyriding with The Prof in the Berlingo" = Visiting the ASDA supermarket in Rhyl.

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    1. How VERY DARE YOU , i would never step foot in asda

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    2. They had cheap tins of Red Salmon in there the other week .... you could sneak in , in disguise ;-)

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  16. If you ever write your autobiography, may I suggest "Joyriding in the Berlingo" as its catchy title?

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    1. Or "fanny flannels on the line "

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  17. I didn't speak to my father for almost 20 years. He just hated the fact that I was different from him and not "a chip off the old block".

    As for your flower-show refusenik, I doubt if it's you they dislike. I imagine it's something much more specific about the flower show itself.

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    1. Did ou make things up with your dad?

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    2. No! We never saw eye to eye on anything.

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  18. Oh, John! You have a true talent for bringing life to the smallest interactions. Thank you.
    And may you never, ever have to know what it's like to have to break from someone you may have once loved with such finality. It's horrible but sometimes it is the only way.

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  19. Last night at work my boss told me that several people hate me and don't like working with me. I was shocked. The person who apparently started the crusade against me was someone I used to like and got along well with..but then a few weeks ago she started being cold and distant. I knew something was wrong but couldn't figure out what I could have done to upset her. (Although to be honest, she always has somebody on her "shit list" so I suppose it's just my turn.) But to hear that she's been spreading venom and gossip about me and turning others against me HURT. I could barely sleep last night. I don't understand. I know I shouldn't care what people who act like high school mean girls say or do, but I can't help feeling awful. :(

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    1. That's so awful Jennifer. I feel I have grown to know you through blogging and I know you to be a kind, hardworking, funny and thoughtful human being. What was your manager even thinking of to share such nasty information with you? My advice is to simply be super-nice at work. Rise above the worms down in the compost bin of gossip and bigotry. You are much better than that. Smile at them like The Lord Buddha.

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    2. Oh Jennifer, what a terrible thing to happen. Some people can only feel worth when attacking others.
      Others believe it because either they do not want to get on her black list or they are just to lazy and to care.
      I wish I had some magic words to make it better for you but I don't. I have been hurt terribly by comments that believed the worst of me and it still does hurt. But many bloggers wrote to me and said how much they liked me and did not to believe the few who hurt me.
      So the magic takeaway is there are more who like you than not.
      I wish we all could come to your work and hug you !

      A big YeeHaw from Tucson
      cheers, parsnip and thehamish.

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    3. Thank you both so much. These two comments brought tears to my eyes.

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    4. Parsnip is right!
      Its Their problem and certainly not yours!
      Bullying behaviour, plain and simple
      Chin up x

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  20. From what I've read from you, the Prof's comment might be fair but I believe it would be highly unlikely. And if it is so, well their loss.
    Every once in a while my husbear will say "I don't like this or that". He never says he doesn't like a particular person. He is truly too good of a man for that.
    Just to keep him on his toes the conversation goes like this:
    Himself: I don't like this soup.
    Myself: That's OK, because confidentially it doesn't like you, either.
    I just do shit to razz him. He suffers so.

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    1. Nicely put...hubby sounds like a peach

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  21. I think it's the "lurid flower display"! Personally I would be first in line for a view of sexy vegetables and a good laugh, but not all people have a sense of humor when it comes to sex and old traditional events. Their loss.

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  22. Last night at work my boss told me that several people hate me and don't like working with me. I was shocked. The person who apparently started the crusade against me was someone I used to like and got along well with..but then a few weeks ago she started being cold and distant. I knew something was wrong but couldn't figure out what I could have done to upset her. (Although to be honest, she always has somebody on her "shit list" so I suppose it's just my turn.) But to hear that she's been spreading venom and gossip about me and turning others against me HURT. I could barely sleep last night. I don't understand. I know I shouldn't care what people who act like high school mean girls say or do, but I can't help feeling awful. :(

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    1. I've had that happen at work several times. When I was working past the usual quitting time, I'd see one woman in particular go into my boss's office and the door would close. The next day I would be pulled into the office and told that I was too aggressively pursing information or completion dates for time sensitive deliveries to major customers. Then, those same comments would pop up on my review while I was being told during the same review that I had to aggressively pursue things to insure on time deliveries. I finally had had it and during one review I said that unless I'm told who complained, the nature of the complaint and that I'm given an opportunity to respond, that it's gossip, rumor and innuendo and I refuse to answer to it and I'll go to Human Resources to have it removed from my review. It was promptly removed.
      Fast forward to a new employer and same kind of thing happened to me here. An employee was off and people came to me as if I knew what she did (which I didn't) and how she did it (which I didn't) and I explained that to them. Well, I guess I didn't express sufficient grief at the situation and they went to my boss to complain about me. It appeared on my review. I said I was never trained in this person's job, that I don't know anything about the job and I was never instructed that I had to fill in for her. Guess what popped up on my list of "goals and objectives" for this year.........Yes, cross train with this person. I have the feeling that I will be doing more of her job than she will be doing of mine.
      Thank God I will retire next year.
      People - it would be wonderful world without them.

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    2. Thank you for that....i only work 11.5 hours a week so I dont get dragged in to relationship problems etc at work

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    3. Jennifer, wholly inappropriate behaviour from your manager

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    4. I don't know why my comments on blogs keep appearing twice (sometimes three times)lately! Sorry about the double posting!!

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    5. Its ok...i pretend i am more popular x

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    6. Jennifer, your boss isn't worth the position he holds. He should not have helped spread the venom in HIS department. I too wish I could come to your work and tell you "Well, Jennifer, I like you"

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  23. The hardest thing to control is how other people feel about you. Try to control it too much you just might end up their slave, too little, well, watch your back.

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  24. I cut a cousin from my life twenty five years ago and have never regretted it. My son was three, cousin was was having a baby and didn't have much, so I loaned her my baby stuff, which included a very expensive coach built pram. She knew perfectly well that it was a loan and that I wanted the things back, but I never saw any of them again; she used everything, then sold it all and had a holiday with the money!
    I couldn't see her without wanting to wring her nasty, dishonest neck, so I chose to cut her out of my life instead. To be honest, it's been great, it took a while, but I've realised that she was a nasty, poisonous witch anyway, so I'm well rid of her!

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    1. Uyou should have taken her to Judge Judy

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    2. Nah, choosing to ignore her is far more satisfying! Admittedly I lost a lot of valuable things, but got rid of the parasitic bitch!

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  25. Oooh how intriguing John....can't be a dislike of you....but there must be a reason.

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  26. Oooo ... BURN! One point for the Prof! But I can't imagine that really being the issue - if it was, I don't think that person would've been talking to you in the first place. It's usually impossible to figure these things out unless the person is willing to talk about it - really talk, not just blame.

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    1. I cant say i am that bothered

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  27. I don't think it is possible john to go through life without making enemies - most of them we never know about (luckily) - but I dont honestly think I have consciously ignored anyone. Sometimes and smiling 'hello' can be quite irritating if a person doesn't like you.

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    1. Pat it doesnt bother me in the slightest

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  28. John, I can't imagine someone not liking you. She was jealous of something at the show or had been "put down" in the past. xx

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  29. I like you John and you attract very nice people to your blog too. You always have lovely happy comments from everyone here so it goes to prove that you are well liked. Greetings Maria x

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    1. Maria, i can be as nasty as anyone else... But i suspect i am disliked in this case for what i am ..if you get the gist

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  30. My sister in Denmark has always been a drama queen/victim/black sheep (fill in as appropriate). We were all treated the same (well) by our parents and she just made up so much crap and lies it was unbelievable. Dad died 10 years ago and that's the last time I saw her. She never kept in touch with mom, no birthday cards, no calls, no Christmas cards - nothing. Mom died today and my other sister and I both said we weren't going to call her - she didn't bother with mom when she was alive so what's the problem now. In the end my nephew called to let her mom died this morning - and the drama queen now wants to know why we didn't call! My other sister said "it's your mom, why didn't you take an interest". The funeral should be interesting!! But as far as Im concerned, that's it - we're done now. Anna

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    1. Anna, so sorry about your mum, x

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  31. Stepping away is sometimes the healthiest option. Or I find it so.

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  32. You are wise to leave some things unexplored. I once told a friend that she had a beautiful voice and should consider singing in the church band. She told me that she was much too good for that and wouldn't consider it. I left it at that, but it made me feel uneasy around her. I wondered what else she felt she was too high and mighty for. Apparently it was my friendship. She backed off and soon quit going to our church. I think that I'd have been better to leave it.

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    1. Only explore what you have the stomach for

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  33. I know you love the prof, but I think it's rather unkind to suggest that someone makes a decision out of dislike for you. I asked Willy Dunne Wooters if the neighbors keep their little girl away from me because they think I'm weird and creepy. He assured me that I'm not weird and creepy, merely eccentric. My daughter has not spoken to me in almost a year. I have no idea why. She doesn't have voice mail on her phone so I can't leave a message. I send the occasional pleasant email. I don't nag. I don't know her address, so I sent a Christmas card to her office. She never cashed the check I sent for her birthday last year. She also does not reply to texts from her brother, who has no idea what's going on. She knows that silence from her is one of the most painful things she can do to me. I think she's trying to kill me. I'm not exaggerating. When I was married, my ex-husband tried to lure me into suicide to get rid of me. She saw all this and knows I am miserable without her. If my son abandoned me, too, I don't think I could bear it. My daughter lives too far away for me to drop in to visit her. I had hoped that a friend in the area who used to work at the same place as my daughter would contact her to learn what was wrong. The friend moved away right after my daughter arrived in the city. I don't know what to do.

    Love,
    Janie

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    1. Janie
      His deadpan humour mirrors his deadpan eyebrow....
      Have no worries...
      The truth , i suspect is a pride issue and homophobic " stand" by this person.....
      So the prof was right.. This person does not like me...but dislikes me because of my sexuality......

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    2. Ps i hope you re connect with your daughter..i suspect you will....get her to read this blog entry x

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  34. Bloody hell...another can of worms eh hey ho

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  35. There are ways of closing a door gently and ways to slam it so it falls off the hinges. It is not always our choice to close it one way or another.
    I have closed the door on people once I had a great respect and affection for, only to discover that when the time came they could not live up to my so called standards. Why to slam that door at them violently when the choice was mine? I didn't and I never would but the wounds we open with our mouth are the ones that are never truly closed and for that reason alone it is better to quietly for after all we are not obligated to explain anything unless there is something to salvage there. Anger to me is like hatred, you are drinking your own poison, under the best of circumstances, not a good idea.

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  36. LOL, the Prof is quick.. A perfect response that only someone who loves you can get away with :)

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  37. How could anyone not like you!!!!!!
    Peter

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  38. Oh so many sad stories I feel like I'm getting to know all you wonderful people who read your blog John. Chin up every one and move on some people are just mean.

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  39. well i'm sure her stand against the flower show will make you into a fine upstanding heterosexual. stupidity everywhere

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  40. I used to worry all the time about being liked, Then a hefty dollop of mental illness and a splendid therapist made me realise that some people will always dislike me, justified or not ( I can be an awkward moody cow). True friends and family will love you for all your quirks, and celebrate your uniqueness-not point and laugh.
    I still smile politely when the a-holes can't be avoided. It winds them up no end!

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