Thursday, 3 March 2016

Double Entendres


We have a rather vital neighbour called Mandy who can be seen marching around the village on various chores and errands several times during the day. She is always cheerful and never still, even in the worst of weather.
I saw her during one of her jaunts this afternoon and rather breathlessly she called out a greeting followed by a somewhat interesting observation

" We heard young Mary bashing the hell out of your catflap the other night!"

She stopped short , caught up in the possibilities of double entendre and we both giggled like schoolgirls. Thank goodness for dirty minds.....
Years ago I was in Sainsbury's in a hurry. I couldn't find what I was looking for and in a somewhat exasperated tone called out to one of the male supervisors " I CAN'T find your dumplings !"  Again I received a load of giggles in reply .
I love surreal little moments like these.

This morning was another case in point, I went to Morrisons this morning to use their car vacume cleaner and got all excited that there was an attachment that dispensed a " fragrance" liquid spray for an extra £1 coin....Not being " au fait" with the equipment , I put in my pound , picked up the gun and promptly sprayed myself in the face with it. Now two Eastern European looking men who were watching me from a nearby path promptly burst out laughing causing me to blush like a schoolgirl, but at least I had the good grace to laugh with them.

The best double entendre is always an unintentional one.......Years ago, I remember Look North news anchor Clair Frisby commenting on a report from a bonfire night celebration somewhere in Yorkshire.....she said
"There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this"

Hey ho

43 comments:

  1. Children are the best at double entendres although unless you have another adult around to giggle with it's not as much fun.

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  2. I am a bit of an innocent John and these double entendres often completely go over my head.

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  3. LOL, was visiting with my nephew and his partner a few weeks ago; she was rambling on about her latest obsession: clean eating. My nephew, having left the vicinity when she began her monologue, called from the bedroom "What? I washed it!'
    Not to be outdone, the skinny Crank leaned forward and patted her hand, then said: "My dear, good cooking is like good sex; both are messy if they're done right."

    We made our escape whilst she was still blushing and tongue-tied.

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  4. bwhahahahahahahaha! "may I split your top and butter your buns?" dirty minds are the BEST! now I bet you smell all pretty!

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  5. I live my life like an episode of 'Up Pompeii'.
    Luckily the wife, son and workmates share my enthusiasm!

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  6. I have vague memories of a Blue Peter one - a male present back in the late seventies, early eighties saying 'what a lovely pair of knockers'. The knockers were two antique door knockers I believe, the rest was history.

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    Replies
    1. I remember seeing that one at the time, and thinking…ooer !

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    2. Yes - they showed that again on a programme not that long ago. You could see by the presenters (Simon someone??) face that he just couldn't think of any other way to phrase it, and realised he'd talked himself into an embarrassing corner.

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  7. A double entendre is always funnier if it comes from someone like Mary Berry. When I was at school I had a frumpy old R.E teacher, one day instead of saying organisms she said orgasms instead and then nearly had an orgasm in her flummoxed embarrassment!!! The whole class were in fits of giggles!

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  8. Would that time that I tasted something in the bakery and turned to my husband and said 'Here, Bite this '.... be a double entendre?
    When those who understood English giggled ...

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  9. You have such a wonderful way of turning an embarrassing situation into a funny moment. It reminds me of when as a teenager, a school boy in my class was trying to tickle me when I said, "will you stop it, otherwise I'm going to make you feel a tit!" (In vulgar Italian it means, a fool). Only after everyone in class burst into laughter did I realise what I'd said. Greetings Maria x

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  10. For some strange reason I'm suddenly craving a Brokeback Burger....

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  11. A woman walked into a bar and said, "Give me a double entendre!”. So the bartender gave her one.

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    Replies
    1. Kerrrrrchinggggggg

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    2. Damn. I was going to do that joke. Good job I checked.

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  12. In a quiet drawing class at school I needed an eraser and innocently said out loud to my friend 'do you have a rubber Fanny?'......after 2 seconds the whole class was in gales of laughter.

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    Replies
    1. Rubber and fanny are cracking words are they not?

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  13. Ha! That last one was the best.

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  14. I live a double entendre. They pop up all over the place. ..or is it my mind?

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  15. Not a single witty comment in brain at the moment.

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  16. Takes me back to "Are You Being Served?"

    Mrs. Slocombe [on the phone]: Hello, is that Mr Akbar? Mrs Slocombe here, your next door neighbor. I wonder, would you do me a little favour? Would you go to my front door, bend down, look through the letter box..... and if you can see my pussy, would you drop a sardine on the mat?

    OR

    Mr. Peacock: "This man is Japanese and has trouble getting his tongue around his "R's"...

    Mr.Humphries: "I thought it would just be a matter of practice ???"

    Or of course when Mrs. Slocombe exclaims: Twiddle his knob, somebody! He's out of focus!

    -invisigal

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    Replies
    1. I wondered when mrs slocombe's vagina would rear its ugly head

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    2. Indeed. I think anyone would drop a sardine on the mat at the sight of it!

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  17. If it wasn't for the gutter, my mind would be homeless!

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    Replies
    1. You sound like Tallullah Bankhead

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  18. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977
    'Ah, isn't that nice.. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew..
    . Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:
    'They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.' XXXX

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    Replies
    1. And the prize ggoes to you !

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  19. I used to be the queen of double entendre but too many sterile environments have got me out of practice and now my kids laugh at my innocence.
    This is a fab post, marvellous comments.

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  20. The cat flap made me chuckle. Rather like the time I went to the pet stall on the market and asked the man "do you have fat balls?". His wife turned and said very drily not last time I looked love lol.

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  21. This was fun . . .
    Laughter is the best . . .

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  22. My latest and best accidental one? Ordering car stickers for my fire brigade that say, "PROUD MEMBER of Sawyers Valley Volunteer Bushfire Brigade." Yes I even capitalized them like that! Ah well, will hopefully get some people smiling as they follow along behind our cars, and will get them noticed, which is a good thing since we always need new members... hopefully proud ones! :)

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  23. I'm so glad I'm not alone in never growing too mature for these.

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  24. My mate was sitting in an exam and his pacer pencil broke. He stood up and told the supervisor ' I don't have any lead in my pencil' ! As you can imagine the room broke out in laughter.
    Another funny one. Years ago I was at a celebrity go cart fund raiser for scouts. The local celebrity fell off her go cart and ripped a hole in her jeans. Sadly she was commenting over the loud speaker and stated " I have an incredibly large hole in my bottom' . Of my I nearly died laughing. As it was a scouting event full of young scouts , it was deeply embarrassing for her.

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  25. The unexpected ones are the best giggles.
    I had everyone tittering in the shop when I said an item needed a Durex. I meant Duracell

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  27. When I was a trainee accountant working in an open-plan office I caused general mirth by my reply when somebody asked aloud to everybody "Does anyone know where so-and-so is?", to which, ever wanting to be helpful, I replied "He may have just gone to the toilet. He often hangs out there!"

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  28. OK, whose menu is that?!

    Laughing at the "Are You Being Served" jokes above...

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  29. Oh, the double entendre that go on at my office, ha. But we laugh hysterically and that makes the day fly by.

    I do remember a local weatherman describing out cold weather one winter, he had video of a squirrel digging in frosty grass and he says, very nonchalantly, "look at that little guy trying to look for food, those nuts are going to be frozen". There was a look of horror and then he started laughing.

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