Thursday, 3 April 2014

C/o Yorkshire Pudding

Lazy blogging today...... Thanks to Yorkshire Pudding's questionnaire

What is your greatest fear?
Heights, as I have reported before. Flying too is a more recent worry the older I get.
What is your earliest memory?

Some strange looking woman looking down at me in a cot. ( she had pearls on) she looked a bit drag queen ish..go figure?
Which living person do you most admire and why?

Hummm that's a tough one......I have plenty of people on the list who have died....
After some deliberation , I would have to say my best friend Nuala. 
She grasps life by the balls every day
What was your most embarrassing moment?

Too numerous to mention......farting in front of a disabled lady as I was leaning over a large freezer in Aldi was high on the list
Property aside, what's the most expensive thing you have bought?

I am such a cheapskate....I never lay out money for anything...ask Chris!
What is your most treasured possession?

My dogs.....oh and Albert of course!
Where would you like to live?

My fantasy home would be a large apartment in New York City. Somewhere expensive in Midtown....I would insist that I have a cleaning lady that looked and acted like Thelma Ritter from REAR WINDOW a group of friends like Diane Keaton & Woody Allen and a mystery to investigate at least once a month.
However my reality fantasy home ( if you get my meaning) would be a small holding such as Pen y Cefn Isa, which is a small farm just up the lane.The farmhouse has a large farmhouse kitchen with its own dairy scullery. There are a few outbuildings, a small barn and several acres of land.
Space for a few cows, goats and more dogs. I would like a house, stables and land to act as an island
What would your super power be?
I would like to be "slimming man! "A chap who could  eat any old rubbish without putting on an ounce......
What do you most dislike about your appearance?

How long have you got? Sit down, let's discuss this over morning coffee
Who would play you in the film of your life?

Russell Crowe of course.........when I am old a grey.....Shelley Winters
What is your most unappealing habit?

Emotional masturbating
What is the trait you most deplore in others?

Meanness of spirit, drunk rudeness,spitting when you talk, queenie strops,
What is your favourite book?

My family and other Animals by Gerald Durrell, 
What is your favourite smell?

More taste than smell...but it would have to be coriander
What would be your fancy dress costume of choice?
What a bleeding stupid question....
To whom would you most like to say sorry and why?

I am pretty good at apologising when it's needed....so I will have to say I would love to apologise to
my previous bulldog Mabel....I always felt that I had let her down somehow, when she was ill.
Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
I always punctuate a sentence with " hummmmmmm"
What has been your biggest disappointment?

Being overly shy when I was a younger man
What is your guiltiest pleasure?

I will have to say scotch eggs.....mind you...I never feel THAT guilty when I bite into one
If you could go back in time, where would you go?

I would go back to see my grandparents for one last time
What is the most important lesson life has taught you?
Always sit down on the toilet on a middle of the night pee run.
What do you consider your greatest achievement?

Running my own ward and coping with the headaches of 50 staff and a nhs squeezed to its limits
What makes you unhappy?

Ill health ,conflict, ........not that much......
Tell us a joke.
Ok

Two nuns, Sister Mary Agnes and Sister Mary Vincent, are
traveling through Europe in their car, sightseeing in
Transylvania. As they are stopped at a traffic light, out
of nowhere, a small vampire jumps onto the hood of the car
and hisses at them through the windshield.
Quick, quick! shouts Sister Mary Agnes, What should we
do?
Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the
abomination, says Sister Mary Vincent.
Sister Mary Agnes switches on the wipers, which knock the
mini-Dracula around. But, he hangs on and continues hissing
at the nuns. What shall I do now? she shouts.
Try the windshield washer. I filled it with holy water
before we left the Vatican, replies Sister Mary Vincent.
Sister Mary Agnes turns on the windshield washer. The
vampire screams as the water burns his skin, but he hangs on
and continues hissing at the nuns.
Now what? shouts Sister Mary Agnes.
Show him your cross, says Sister Mary Vincent.
Now you're talking, says Sister Mary Agnes. She then
opens the window and shouts, Get the fuck  off our car!

53 comments:

  1. Your jokes just made me chuckle out loud.

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  2. I think Yorkshire Pudding must have barred me - can't think why.

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    Replies
    1. What have you done now? Sigh

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    2. Don't ask me. Louder sigh than yours.

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  3. WHEN I AM GONE I WOULD LIKE FOLKS WILL SAY SHE WAS A BIT BATTY BUT NICE WITH IT

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    1. To be fair I know her..... she is batty.. poor old sausage probably has no clue she is shouting (she has the same problem out shopping,,,has no clue every one can hear her breaking wind) Bless!

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  4. Hum...now how am I going to translate the joke into French for the five people who are watching me laughing ?

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  5. Hum...now how am I going to translate the joke into French for the five people who are watching me laughing ?

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  6. One of the many things I admire about you is your ability (and willingness) to share truths about yourself while at the same time displaying you brilliant sense of humor.

    We had a cleaning lady just like Thelma Ritter. Her name was Agnes. It wasn't all it was cracked up to be.

    By the way, I AM "Slimming Man." I had no idea it was a super-power.

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  7. John,
    I love the joke so much. I don't know if it is something to do with going to a convent school or what but I would love to rub their faces in it, if you can rub faces into a joke. Thanks for making my day.

    I also like your fantasy home in New York with Diane Keaton and Woody Allen. Rachel

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    Replies
    1. I have always wished my life was a movie....

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    2. I've always felt that your life IS a movie!

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    3. All Creatures Great and Flatulent?

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  8. You would go mad in a month in Midtown, without your own Bosoms to putter around in.

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    Replies
    1. Well just for a month a year then!

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  9. You could offer to be Woody's bodyguard (though he might already have some), ever on the look-out for a vengeful attack from Mia or her appointed heavies.

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  10. Being overly shy? I'd say you got over that! xoxo

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    Replies
    1. Oh I don't know susie... I keep it well hidden

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  11. Two nuns cycling down a quiet cobbled street one says to the other
    "Ive never come this way before" the other nun replies
    "me neither, must be the cobbles"
    Two nuns a a bath "wears the soap?" the other replies
    "does doesn't it"
    Sorry I just had to share!....

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    Replies
    1. I love school boy humour

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  12. I could have easily answered with Scotch Eggs for you *smile* xx

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  13. I saw the title and thought it was a questionnaire ABOUT Yorkshire pudding and got excited.

    Your answers were still exciting, but now I'm craving Yorkshire puddins. The nun joke was hilarious.

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    Replies
    1. Yorkshire pudding( a large one) with gravy
      Lots of it

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  14. Now, I know a lot more about you. Maybe too much.

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  15. Just told my teen son your nun joke - he loved it!!

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    Replies
    1. Almost 16 with a fantastic sense of humour. More jokes please. We all need a smile and a laugh and that's what I love about your blog. My son just wrote a wonderful essay at school about anti gay laws and behaviour in other countries. I was so proud of him for being so open minded. and passionate about such issues.

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  16. Hahahahaha!!!!! Never heard that one before. Great!

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  17. Your joke made me laugh! Well done!

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  18. I remember the words Yorkshire Pudding being mentioned in my grandparents' home when I was a young girl - I really think my grandmother made it, but I've never remembered anything about it. Now I finally googled it - I still don't remember seeing it, but I know it was mentioned when we had a roast of any kind. This was in Upstate New York - as opposed to your love, NYC.

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  19. Great list, great joke!
    I just came across this link to 'scotch eggs' and immediately thought of you, lol (baked scotch egg - is that an abomination?) Anyway, had to forward it on to you in case it enabled you to enjoy them all the more frequently, lol And if a baked SE is horrid then I pre-offer an apology! Issy

    http://news.yahoo.com/healthy-very-not-healthy-scotch-egg-120610066.html

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  20. Re apologising, I wouldn't apologise for anything that happened more than a week ago. As far as I'm concerned, by then it's all water under the bridge. But some people nurse grievances for a very long time.

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  21. I needed that laugh. I've got to have a colonoscopy on Saturday morning. Saturday for gawd's sake! No toilet jokes please. I've heard them all already. Funny how folks can be so funny when it's not happening to them. Sorry to sound so mean-spirited. I can't help myself lately. x

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    Replies
    1. Email me nana jgsheffield@hotmail.com
      X

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  22. A lovely short bio as it were...about a lovely man!

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  23. I will be sharing that joke. That was hilarious.

    Loved your answers. What is it about getting older and flying?? I think it is becoming the norm.

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  24. I am with you on the fantasy home. I am not sure though that I would want a dead actress to clean it. Diane Keaton would be a great one to have as a friend, but not Woody. He is too neurotic and I wouldn't be able to invite my granddaughters over when he was there.

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  25. I remember the post about farting in Aldi. Careful wishing for 'slimming man', else Stephen King will send you a pie.

    Blasphemy! Funny as it is! Haha

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  26. In a weird coincidence, I bought a muffin tin yesterday so I could learn to make Yorkshire pudding for the first time. The last time I had Yorkshire pudding was Christmas a couple of years ago... I was having dinner with some good friends whose mater familias, now sadly departed, was a proud Yorkshirewoman (as she put it, she was the type to "call a spade a bloody shovel").

    Her son two-meter Peter turned out some perfectly baked Yorkshire puddings, much to mum's delight. I guess I'm feeling nostalgic.

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    Replies
    1. The secret is to get your oil absolutely sizzling hot before adding the batter. And the earlier you make your batter and let it stand for a while, the better. Good luck! I make a big Yorkshire Pudding in a glass lasagne dish.

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  27. All good jokes are improved by being ascribed to NUNS. That's a belter!

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  28. Love the joke…a good laugh over breakfast sets me up for the day!

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  29. My eldest son has the 'Slimming Man' power .... how he inherited that from me I have absolutely NO idea!

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