I never liked Boney M when I was 18 but
Loved this interpretation
It’s 6 am and I’m doing my first long day at the hospice today in two and a half months !
My arm weakness is no better….physio booked for Thursday
😟
And changing the mood somewhat ……..
It was Father’s Day in the Uk two days ago.
I wasn’t really a good son
I was angry and petulant at my father for the most part when he was alive
He was distant, and often angry and not skilled in the art of parenthood
We were not a good fit.
I reconciled much with him, in the year of his death
But it was never quite enough.😞
Years later I know I compensated when I was a good son-in-law to my ex husband’s father
We talked often after my husband disappeared to bed on his father’s visits to wales
Sat in the living room together, or on the back patio, with the dogs on our knees
We put the world to rights
And he shared family worries to someone who didn’t judge.
A flawed man who knew he was flawed
As we all are….
I remember him telling me, after many gin and tonics how proud he was at me joining his family and we shook hands clumsily in the dark like conspirators.
Me and my father in law in the early days of the Ukrainian village
I still, remain proud that I always made an effort with him.
That’s why I went to his funeral, an event I should never have put myself through
Hey ho
I wish I had known my father as well as I knew my father in law
I wish I had been a father too🙏🌈
Hello There Sir.... this is Tommy from Louisiana. I wanted to reach out and tell you how much I appreciate you placing me on your blog list.... That's a true honor for me to be listed on Your Blog List Thank You.
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed my visit my friend xxx
DeleteMy heart goes out to you, John. I also had a very dysfunctional father, and I know exactly what it is like. After my mother died and he was alone , not having spoken to me for 38 years - he expected me to carry him despite having my own family and living 120 miles away, and the older he got, the more horrible he became; you at lest had the chance to mend fences, however late. And I know that is no consolation, but the best alternative I can offer.
ReplyDeleteA good father in law is a lovely thing to have experienced. His funeral may not have been a good memory, but if you had not gone you would have kicked yourself even harder and forever.
Sometimes you just have to shrug your shoulders, admit things are just what they are, put it behind you and keep moving forward. But yes, you would have been a good father. Do not dwell on it. It is like continually picking the scab off a grazed knee. God bless.
I forgave my father, the year he died, so I’m not eaten up with any regret
DeleteGreat music. I did like Boney M, but had really forgotten about them until now. In hindsight, I’m more forgiving of my father’s failures, although he was brutally verbally abusive and even after all these years I can at times hear his voice in my head. That sucks. He never once hit me but as a child I was terrified of him just the same.
ReplyDeleteIt’s the fear that matters and what damages
DeleteFor myself, with father...read mother.
ReplyDeleteTwenty years next month since my father died...we didn't always agree..who does..but we could work together.
One positive point...your arm hasn't worsened.
It feels weak tonight, I’ve used both hands to lift my soup
DeletePoignant John 🙏 No words, just love to you. Jan in Castle Gresley
ReplyDelete🙏🌈
Deletenever knew my dad, he died when i was like 1 year old.....sometimes wonder what it would have been like but can't say i miss it cos i never knew what it was like..... i am, however, very intolerant towards my mum for some reason.... she just winds me up!! I should be better!! You've made me all introspective now.....
ReplyDeletein other news - i was never a boney m fan either..... i have watched (in the last couple of days) Lang Lang playing a load of Disney tunes at royal albert hall...... and an orchestra playing the music of Gerry Anderson's TV creations..... both of which were great
I love watching music and songs I’ve never been drawn to before,
DeleteIt broadens up mr fox
My father was very 'old school'. Stiff upper lip, but always did his best for his children. I hope I'm a good father myself. I love my children and tell them so as often as possible. We get along very well.
ReplyDeleteYou speak affectionately and often about your relationships with your nicknamed children
DeleteI always love reading those posts cro
https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/48419/this-be-the-verse
ReplyDeleteI’ve quoted this one before
DeleteThis poem of Philip Larkin might give you the same consolation like I have when I worrie about the difficult relation with my late parents.
ReplyDeleteThis Be The Verse
DeleteBY PHILIP LARKIN
They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.
But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another’s throats.
Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don’t have any kids yourself.
The kids I have and I hope our relation is a good one, but you never know…
DeleteI do not know if the link works, but the poem is called: this be the verse
ReplyDeleteNo it doesn’t
DeleteAm I the only one who had a wonderful gentle father. I don’t think I ever got to really know him as he travelled a lot for work, worked till 5 ever night when home, came home , read the newspaper, ate dinner, then my brother and I were allowed out to play. He died when I was about 30 and raising my family and working many hours as well so hardly ever saw him. He was quite henpecked by my mother as I recall. Every kid should be lucky enough to have a sober kind father like I had. On to Boney M, I always loved the music and your version, I love too, so different. Gigi
ReplyDeleteWe all, if we are lucky , will find our own role models in this life. Teachers, coaches, older siblings ,
DeleteJust remembered when I ran marathons, I used to run listening to the Boney M Rasputin music a lot as the beat was just right for my steps. Hope all was well on your first night back to work. Gigi
ReplyDeleteIt was a day shift and I’m fucking knackered
DeleteWhen people talk of their fathers as being dysfunctional or distant I wonder how many of those fathers were military men?
ReplyDeleteMy father was military, UK army, then my first husband a marine and now my partner is military too, commando, special forces.
Thing have changed for the better but the military have always been a 'family' first and foremost and once a military man has experienced warfare they see things they can never unsee, a bond that ties them to their 'family' or in some cases sadly breaks them.
I recognise my own father's "disfunctional" behaviour for what it was, never being able to unsee what he experienced.
Where would we be withut our brave ad dedicated military.
My father was wartime airforce , he had a Victorian father himself who probably was physically abusive to all of his sons
DeleteI think you misunderstood anons comment, military life doesn't make anyone abusive to their families.
DeleteI don’t think so either,
DeleteThe music was great for early morning flashbacks. I hope the day goes well at work. My father was gentle and quiet for the most part. I seldom disappointed him, when I did he was quick to point it out.
ReplyDeleteCritical parent mode😢
DeleteMost of us have regrets and feel we should have, could have done better. I know I do, but that's life!
ReplyDeleteWoulda coulda shoulda
DeleteThe Boney M music was terrific. You will always remember the chats you had with your father in law. He accepted you, which now is the way of the world for most parents.
ReplyDeleteHe did , and I’ve always wondered if my father could have, I honestly doubt he would have
DeleteYour choir's enthusiasm could make any music enjoyable!
ReplyDeleteI had a good childhood, with loving parents. I guess I'm one of the lucky ones. I do wish I'd told my Dad how much I loved him, and looked up to him. Just before he died, I said "I love you" to him and he mumbled something back, which I interpreted as "I love you, too". He was in the late stage of dementia and had lost the power of coherent speech and probably didn't know who I was, but I cling to that memory. xx
I hope he said that, I’m sure he did xx
DeleteJohn, I hope you don't have what is called a frozen shoulder. I had it once and it took 2 years to fully heal. Look it up and mention it to your doctor. Enjoy your trip to Spain.
ReplyDeleteIt’s been mentioned xx
Delete"we shook hands clumsily in the dark like conspirators" -- brilliant! You're so good at capturing a moment in a single phrase!
ReplyDeleteHe was embarrassed owning an emotional moment, I felt and understood that , even then
DeleteI'm glad you had that relationship with your father in law. I had a poor relationship with my father, mainly because I was the wrong sex. He counted the boys as his real family, the girls were there to ignore. I tried so hard, but oh well. Both parents gone in the year I was 21. So there's a lot I don't know. Good luck with your first long day back.
ReplyDeleteMy father had his own demons , my strict and angry grandfather, a man I never properly met
DeleteSo many "I wish"es. I have lots of those too.
ReplyDeleteI loved my dad, despite his gradual decline into alcoholism and then dementia. He deserved love so much more than my wicked and selfish mother ever did.
Flawed but loved
DeleteYou would have made a wonderful father.
ReplyDeleteI hope so, we shall never know will we x
DeleteYou'd have been a wonderful father as Leo can attest. Fret not at things long past as that only brings you down in the present.
ReplyDeleteI love this version of Boney M, too. No children singing this.
Wishing you well during today's long shift and hope you get some answers soon.
Big hugs!
God I’m knackered babs it was a busy shift
DeleteSweet dreams and restful sleep, my friend.
DeleteHugs!
Biological parents do not always work out.
ReplyDeleteThankfully most of us have alternate father or mother figures in our lives. Your father-in-law sounds wonderful.
He was, like I said flawed, but he loved his sons and grandson deeply
DeleteWell, I can see why it was important to you to go to your former father-in-law's funeral -- and even if it was a difficult experience, at least you didn't leave that desire unfulfilled.
ReplyDeleteI tiny bit of my decision was shear bloody mindedness
DeleteYears ago when my arm ached for no obvious reason for a long time, I bought one of those magnetic bracelets and within 2 weeks the ache was gone. Lately my left hand had been weak - again for no obvious reason - and I waited a long time for it to pass, with no luck. I put the bracelet back on, and my hand seemed to be back to normal again without me even noticing the change. Some may say (and have) "It's all in your head, Kathy," but if that's what it takes, so be it! I hope improvement will come as easily for you, however you go about it.
ReplyDeleteKate I’m putting my money on the physio, who I see on Thursday
DeleteHope you can get some answers about your arm soon. I'm proud that my three sons that are fathers are very good fathers.
ReplyDeleteYou’ve brought them up right obviously
DeleteThat was a touching post.
ReplyDeleteYes I was upset writing it
DeleteInteresting post: I finally understand why you were so motivated to go to your exFIL's funeral. And now, w more understanding, i think you did the right thing---he was important to you, beyond your relationship w your now ex husband.. I'm glad you had a later in life good dad.
ReplyDeleteAlso I was his advocate too, and I was saddened that when his son left, he pulled away too, which I understand now is often a normal behaviour
DeleteAt the time it hurt badly
Your ex FIL looks like a good down to earth man. I'm glad you were friends.
DeleteMost parents will I think put their own children first, ahead of spouses. It seems a natural result.
My brothers in law were horrid to me after ex DH left; I was surprised and pleased tho that my MIL remained friendly and gracious, always arriving when invited, enthusiastic to celebrate holidays that were not her own culture. We never spoke about her son, my ex, in any way. And I was never invited to her house for Passover etc, or to weddings, not that I wanted to go.
My mother in law and father in law dumped me after the split
DeleteIt hurt greatly but I get it now
Thank you for that honest post. As a child I was terrified of my father but eventually I came to see why he was so with-holding and why he held his family to such an impossible standard.
ReplyDeleteWhat I do know is that you have been (and continue to be) a good father - you've just spread it out to many. It might not feel as satisfying, but I know I've received much of my parenting from caring souls such as yourself. And that can be life changing. XO
My brother in law fathered me too, a role model for sure. My grandad did the same
DeleteMy father did what he could
Very thought provoking John. My father shouldn’t have been one, very selfish and manipulative with an unfortunate addiction to drink that he never wanted to give up for long. Not even for his daughters. I realised years ago, when I was very ill and he didn’t care about that, only what I could buy him for Father’s Day, that I was done. In the years since I haven’t missed him or regretted it at all. Some people, no matter their tie to you, just aren’t good for the soul. He’s still living as far as I’m aware but I’ll not see or suffer him again in this life, nor subject my children to him.
ReplyDeleteI have a wonderful relationship with my father in law, a truly kind, gentle, thoughtful man who has made the most amazing grandfather. I truly couldn’t wish for better.
Families are often complicated things aren’t they, sometimes wonderful and sometimes not at all but it all shapes you in ways you wouldn’t necessarily expect.
Once you understand the dynamics and the patterns in your parental relationships you can isolate things that aren’t healthy for you
DeleteWell done you
I am a counselor and my advice always is you were a good son. Your father did not know how to encourage you to be one, but you were already one because you recognize the difference so don't beat yourself up. There was no fault on either side your father just didn't know how to nurture a son and you didn't know That you were good because you kept trying
ReplyDeleteHow we get along with our relatives doesn't always conform to the stereotype, but what in life does?
ReplyDeleteWe all have regrets, John. Best to recall them but to get over them. Your life is what you make of it.
ReplyDeleteMy dad died two weeks ago. I wouldnt say we were close, mostly because he just wasn't demonstrative. I now think he was dedicated but underappreciated. I did my best to give him the support and comfort he deserved in his last weeks.
ReplyDeleteI think we judge ourselves harshly in hindsight but I'm trying not to.
A poignant post, John and despite your regret, I feel like you might have always regretted if you hadn't attended your FILs funeral
At first glance, I thought that was a picture of The Pet Shop Boys.
ReplyDeleteIn a field in wellies
DeleteYeah right lol xx
John, you've been a father in many ways. Every time you've expressed concern, compassion, affection, and care for someone, it's a fatherly moment. Nurturing professions like nursing and teaching are full of parental moments. Ask yourself: when I leave this earth, will I leave it better or worse? I can give you the answer in the affirmative!
ReplyDelete