“John does find positive comments difficult to hear and has a tendency to be more comfortable with negative feedback, this continues to be work in progress for him.”
I am reflecting on this sentence. Just one from an excellent three page report from my supervisor , she’s perfectly right, that this continues to be a work in progress for me.
My 1970s childhood was devoid of parental praise and that’s why it feels awkward when I’m praised by authority figures. I’ve always understood that dynamic it’s the go to dynamic of me returning to negative praise that’s I’ve now understood more and more, even I though I’m a man rapidly approaching his 63rd birthday
Stopping yourself returning to what you know ( but also what you despise ) can be difficult but it’s perfectly doable with practice.
I’ve reread my supervisor’s report and have accepted the positives therein
Hey ho
It’s my birthday on Sunday ( Janet’s too) I think her birthday gift will feature another London trip or somewhere further afield .
Mary is back home, where she should be, Trendy Carol and her hubby, loved having her, I have a sneaky idea that they would love to adopt her
But she’s home Roger watching her carefully
I think many of us find it hard to accept praise. Imposter syndrome at work! I'm glad you're working on that, because you are a good man, Mr Gray. You just have to believe us all when we tell you such! xx
ReplyDeleteI do believe
DeleteI suppose we know what we should do or think but just can't stop ourselves experiencing that initial natural gut reaction. Well, that's me anyway. Negative strokes and all that ...
ReplyDeleteBut we all can change that reaction xx
DeleteI’ve noticed that about you, too. I’m not great at accepting praise either. So difficult to change those behaviors. But we can always continue to try. Being aware and owning it certainly helps. SG and I have a routine. When he compliments me and I start to make a face or say something snarky in response, he gives me a look and in the smarmiest voice imaginable I say, “Thank you, Jerry.”
ReplyDeleteI’m getting better at pausing now
DeletePausing and letting the praise in
I, too, found it hard to accept praise but one time an older woman told me to just smile and say "Thank you". You can think about the comment praising you later.
ReplyDeleteI'm trying to have a bit of a clear out and just yesterday came across a box where I'd put many cards and notes thanking me for something I made, did, wrote, or said. I re-read them all and have put them all in a drawer for a time I may need to read them again. It's good to have made a difference for someone and isn't that a point to living?
Hugs!
Nicely put x
ReplyDeleteGrowing up with brothers, a compliment was always followed by a punchline. All these years later if someone pays me a compliment, I'm still waiting for the punchline. I'm trying to change that and say 'thank you', but you know, old dog, new tricks etc.
ReplyDelete.My beloved mother used to say self praise is no praise and I understood that from an early age. I don’t like praise, I know if I have done something well but I also know I could do better as well. It’s good to strive to be better, and I often find praise condescending particularly if don’t b respect the person gving it . Know thyself is my motto .
ReplyDeleteYou however John are a good listener and your blog attests to your kindnesses and good intentions
Years ago I asked you about this, how you are so self deprecating. Even on blog comments, you laugh off loving, positive praise with a put down--and you said that was just male humor or mind set that was a universal trait of British men.
ReplyDeleteThese counselors' insights are interesting, aren't they! Even if we disagree .
Choir night now?
So you want some negative feedback? Okay man! Why are your socks so smelly and why do your underpants always seem to have skid marks in them?
ReplyDeleteYep, my family was also focused on negative criticism in a big way, and was interested only in school work accomplishments, but there were never positive remarks about even that. I remember a semester where I got all As except for a B in a course that had been deemed irrelevant (but was of interest to me so I took it, damn the torpedos) and the only feedback about grades focused on that B vs the 6 As. Many years ago but you can see I haven't successfully let go of THAT! Something to work on.
ReplyDeleteCeci
We are all products of our past. Let's acknowledge, we are all works in progress and that's okay.
ReplyDeletePerfectly imperfect; that's how I describe myself.
I was always told I was too much, by both my family and my exhusband. When I ended up at he cancer institute, I was shocked that my coworkers liked me and enjoyed working with me. They thought I was nice. It was strange but it was good for me to see myself through a different lens than the one my family had always used. Turns out I'm not a bad person and I'm not too much.
ReplyDeleteI, too, find it hard to accept praise and tend to turn the praise into some sort of self-deprecating attempt at humor.
ReplyDeleteI totally understand your feelings about 'praise'. I have received very few flattering comments in my life; about THREE I think. However, I do now remember each of them very kindly. At the time I was rather embarrassed.
ReplyDeleteI think I tend to smile, say thank you, and follow it with a little humour as I am a bit embarrassed.
ReplyDeleteI have often wondered why it is easier to accept negative comments over positive ones. Xx
ReplyDeleteI understand the acceptance of negative over positive comments old lad, though I couldn’t explain to you why!
ReplyDeleteBut if it makes you feel better I always happy to oblige ya tubby little bugger 😉
Positive comments and praise can be difficult to accept after a life of being prepared for the worst... But you'll get there...it is such a relief when one realises what has been happening...now onwards and upwards!! xx
ReplyDeleteIt seems that your difficulty in accepting - or even believing - praise is shared by many of your commenters. Is it a British trait, do you think?
ReplyDeleteJohn, I am just like you. I have a hard time excepting praise, and I am very hard on myself and very critical of myself too. The older I have gotten, the more I have learned to just say "thank you" and not retort with some sort of self-deprecating line.
ReplyDeleteThe wounds of childhood are many and while difficult to heal, it is possible to heal them. I say this from experience. I never understood any of this until counseling. My counselor has healed her childhood wounds through counseling, and therefore is perfectly skilled at knowing how to help others. You will be a wonderful counselor, John. You will be able to transmit what you have experienced, and in a kind and loving way.
ReplyDeleteI think the comment reveals the depth of her understanding of you and is meant as a helpful supportive thought as you move forward. It’s something to tuck away and think about. You will make a great counsellor. Your clients will benefit from your depth of understanding and support. Jean in Wpg.
ReplyDeleteThe only praise I can remember from my mother was in front of her friends, never at home, and I just knew it was phony. I was never good enough, smart enough, etc. etc. My first husband always found ways to put me down. Only when I met my second husband, did I get some praise which I found a bit hard to accept. Now that I am alone, I find that I can praise myself for a job well done. Today is my youngest daughter’s 60th birthday and I will try harder to praise them more often , I feel that I was quite hard on my kids, but they say I was an old softy. So please accept all the praise you get John, it is well deserved. Gigi
ReplyDeleteA deeper understanding of ourselves and the world, is the wisdom of age. Treasure it. Learn from it. We may be old dogs, but we can still learn new tricks.
ReplyDeleteThe hardest praise for me to accept comes from my children. Isn't that odd? They do praise me and tell me often how much they love me and although that is wonderful to hear, my mind always goes directly to the many, many times I felt I did a horrible job as a mother. I have apologized about a lot of those. That comes easier than accepting their sweet words.
ReplyDeleteI think we're all like you, not used to and embarrassed by compliments. What I find difficult is it being defined as a fault that needs to be worked on rather than an observation. I'm happy being humble.
ReplyDeleteBalance as in all things! Modern kids are the opposite and can't seem to cope with comments that aren't positive!
ReplyDelete