Thursday, 7 January 2016

Secret Feeder


My old muckers Stephenson & Rachel are down in the dumps because of the weather....having said that Rachel got two dozen comments after a one line comment about rain......go figure.....
So in an effort to brighten the mood, I posted the previous energetically rude video ( which I found a delight) and now I shall talk about obesity in cats.
The other day The Prof lifted Albert onto the kitchen window ledge where he always eats his kitty nibbles and remarked pointedly that the long suffering Tom was " piling on the pounds"
I hadn't really noticed before, but on closer inspection there was no denying that Albert had indeed " filled out" from his normal " Sammy Davis Junior" look.
Now, he's not been eating more than usual at home, nor has he been killing rabbits to scoff ( he usually enjoys an extra  meal of adolescent bunny every spring time) so after a few moments contemplation, I came to the only logical conclusion that Albert was being fed by one of the neighbours.
This morning I decided to find out who is was.
I fed the dogs as usual ( which is a remarkable bunfight in itself)  and pointedly ignored Albert as he
stood impatiently waiting for his breakfast on the kitchen table. (My idea was to leave him hungry to see if he would bugger off to whoever was supplementing his diet.)
I fed Winnie, Mary and George then spooned William's expensive wheat free food into a bowl with Albert giving me the evil eye from the table top, and as I pretended to do the washing up ( ignoring Albert's paw tapping at my t shirt) he let out a snort of disgust and stalked off out of the cat flap.
I followed at a safe distance.
Albert walked down the path, through the gate and across the lane and I watched as he scooted up the six foot wall into the Churchyard.
Crouching, I pegged it up the lane and up to the Lychgate, just in time to see him slipping under the Rectory gate. I thought, then that I had got him, for he was either heading for Mrs H 's Bungalow, Wendy's Bungalow next door or to the Rectory itself.
I followed as it started to rain.
I crept down the path with my hoodie up and caught myself peeping over a succession of garden fences before realizing that I must have looked like an overweight burglar, but I thought that I would persevere even though I was soaked through.
I lost sight of Albert at the same time as Pippa's dogs started to bark at me from the Rectory dining room window, so I jogged back down the path to the Church where I promptly slipped on a wet Gravestone which had been placed flat on the ground, and rolled into the grass like a fat pudding.
Thank god no one saw me . I shot to my feet and feeling somewhat defeated and very wet and muddy, I returned to the cottage, non the wiser.
When I opened the back door, I was surprised to see Albert already standing on the kitchen worktop.
He was enjoying the last bit of William's expensive hypoallergenic food I had left out.




64 comments:

  1. Oh dear John! What you won't do for your dear animals.

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  2. You wouldn't have passed for a cat burglar. A different consonant would be needed to replace the "c".

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  3. My parents used to have two cats, one of whom had delusions of seniority by prior presence. She attempted to starve the other cat out by eating her own food and then scarfing down the other cat's as well. The other cat neither left nor starved but the first cat grew balloon-like in shape.

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  4. I'm thinking Albert knew exactly what was afoot and showed you who's who and what for. You've been one-upped by a four-legged feline.

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  5. I'm thinking Albert knew exactly what was afoot and showed you who's who and what for. You've been one-upped by a four-legged feline.

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  6. I am going to be giggling for the rest of the day now at the image of you following the cat.

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  7. You wouldn't have passed for a cat burglar. A different consonant would be needed to replace the "c".

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    1. lol...don't be mean .. LOL .....giggling helplessly.

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  8. Not that I take any pleasure at all in your falling down, possibly hurting yourself, feeling foolish for falling down ... but I did get the best laugh out of this. Not just a laugh .. Big Gaffaw !! it was as good as watching some Python-ish prat fall ...
    Thank you so much .. everyone needs a good laugh in the morning. Even if the cats are disgruntled by it.

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  9. Aggghhhhh! The eyes...!

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    1. And to think, that with his 'Sammy Davis Jnr look' one of them must be glass!

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  10. did you hurt yourself? Cats are funny.

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  11. Kitty treats and dog food...those are most likely the culprits. Dear Albert.....a little extra weight won't hurt, he'll just be more cuddly.

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  12. No one saw you, but the image you paint is possibly worse (or better - depends on how people see it). :)

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  13. Oh, Albert! You wily old devil!

    I'll bet he IS getting fed elsewhere. Cats are famous for that. I'm also quite sure he knew you were following him and led you on a wild goose chase through the mud for revenge over not getting fed this morning. Cats can be assholes! :)

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  14. Oh, well done, Mr. Gray. I let out a chortle and a snort and now all my co-workers in the surrounding cubicles know I'm screwing off instead of keeping nose to grindstone.

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  15. Naughty Albert ! Could just imagine you creeping down the lanes after him ! Take care though John, dogs can eat cat food, but there is something in dog food that is dangerous to cats, and can cause serious problems.

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  16. Oh, John, outsmarted by a cat.

    Glad your fall did not leave you there.

    I'm ashamed to say, I did laugh.

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  17. Cats are no dummies! They are quite resourceful :)

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  18. The thing is John CCTV is everywhere these days, Will you pop up on youtube? hehehe. Think puss is winning 1-0

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  19. A million years ago when I was at University, the Art Department was right by a main street, with two lighted crosswalks.
    There were two beautiful Basset Hounds that would cross the street with the students. They would lounge around the Art and Music Departments. One day they had little signs around their necks that said "Please Do Not Feed Us". Everyone would feed them.
    Of course this would never happen today with much bigger roads, crazy drivers and with more traffic, much to my sadness.
    They were terrific.

    cheers, parsnip and thehamish

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    1. This reminds me of a dog we once met on holiday in Cornwall. We had a lovely slim (overactive) Labrador pup at the time, and went into a pretty, dog friendly café for coffee and cake. Lying in the sunshine was a very overweight Labrador of a "certain age" and round her neck was a sign - "My name is Bramble, Please do not feed me, I am very overweight, and very weak willed" ! Of course she was got treats from everyone ! Wonder if the same thing would work if we humans put a similar note round our necks?

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  20. When will men learn ... they can't get one over on women OR cats ;-)

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    1. Don't think they ever will Sue, my hubby's still trying !

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  21. John. Have you ever read Peter Mayle's A Year in Provence - an old paperback now but about life where he lived in a village in France. I keep telling you that your blog is full of perfect anecdotes for a book - every one of your hilarious stores is perfect

    Hasn.'t anyone ever told you that cats are far cleverer than humans?

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    1. That book was very, very funny.

      Cats really do rule us at times.

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  22. There are tears streaming down my face, of laughter, not sympathy. Just the tale needed after a particularly trying bout of maths homework. Bless you x

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  23. Oh bugger. Well, at least you didn't pass wind while falling. Thanks for the giggle. :)

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    1. Or perhaps he did and forgot to tell us.

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  24. Great photo, great story.

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  25. Jazz n Jewel both have 'fat pads' as well. We had a cat when I was growing up who regularly ate at two (that we know of) homes. Both households thought she was 'theirs'. She had her kittens with us though, which I thought nailed it.

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  26. well, at least one of you got a little extra exercise this morning.

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  27. Cats were once worshiped as gods... Albert 'smote' you with that fall as a reminder.

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  28. he's a dedicated cat flapper , we have the ginger porker variety, my other half says it wouldn't be right for two porky folks to have a skinny cat

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  29. I found out our cat was "pinging" on the neighbours screens to be let in, and they DID let him in. Much to my horror I found out he was jumping up on the counter at the neighbour's house, something he gets yelled at for at ours.
    Thanks for the laugh, with you, not at you. -Jenn (oh, question- why do you feed him wheat free food?)

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    1. All my dogs eat wheat free food, it's surprising the difference it's made to them Much healthier and happier. Dogs wouldn't eat wheat at all if we didn't force it on them.

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  30. OH DEAR GOD THE VISUAL!!
    "Where I promptly slipped on a wet Gravestone which had been placed flat on the ground, and rolled into the grass like a fat pudding."
    Does no one who read this blog not know anyone at a movie studio or work in television? This MUST be a series. I can't stop laughing over here. Oh, and good on Albert!

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  31. Well, he cannot be that fat if he can still get past through the cat flap and... beat you back home again. Greetings Maria x

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  32. He's still faster than you evidently :)....You need a body cam hooked up!

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  33. The little beggar. The little fat beggar. Fooled you.

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  34. Next time, you should attach a GoPro to see where Albert wanders. It will save you from slipping on a gravestone...or perhaps Albert will catch it, turning you into an overnight YouTube sensation.

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  35. The situations you get yourself into! You have such a life.

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  36. Nothing short of hilarious.....I hope William got some dinner.

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  37. I got accused today of not liking dogs (won't go into THAT), but I could only reply that cats are so much smarter and don't give a damn... your story just proved that!

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  38. I had something of the reverse problem. I have a small greenhouse, a frame covered with plastic. On the workbench was an uncovered plastic tub containing granulated fertiliser. Being Autumn and early Winter I hadn't been in there for a month or two. I went in looking for a plant pot for a christmas cactus. I was surprised to find the tub filled with fur and cat turds. Someone's cat had got in there under the plastic greenhouse side and mistaken the fertiliser for cat litter. Judging from the mess it had clearly been a regular for quite a few weeks.

    I can only imagine the confused owner thinking how their cat had stopped shitting.

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  39. My bestie had a ginger cat in San Francisco who used to come home 'stinking of lamb', as she always said. She tracked the cat to the Greek neighbor's house. They loved him! When she moved away she asked them if they would like to keep him, since he was so happy and well fed there... they said yes and she sniveled and let him go.

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  40. LOL I read this one out loud to my husband - we are both chuckling over here in Montana...

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  41. It's always a little ego-deflating when the cat pulls one over on the homo sapien.

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  42. He has probably been eating the leftovers from your own menagerie.

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  43. Well he gave YOU the slip, didn't he? It sounds like an elaborate plot, meant to unfold just as it did. Cats are crafty!

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  44. This would have made an excellent Halloween story! Dark and stormy night....black cat....grave stone...slip and fall in a graveyard! Did you get the name of the grave you "visited"? Might add to the coincidence?!

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  45. John....you're stalking the cat!!! This is the perfect game of cat and mouse. Guess who the mouse was. Squeak Squeak!!

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  46. Hi, I am number 930 in your follower thingy.. I came here from Gail at the farm and your blog is everything she said it is. thanks for the morning chuckles.. i have this image of you creeping around out there and i loved it. you have a way with words.

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  47. I have a rotund black cat called Humphrey- a neutered rescue cat which the vet politely described as slightly tubby last year. A year on he's put on more despite being rationed on the lightest cat food. I suspect he's topping up the snacks with rodents at nighttime sigh! Arilx

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  49. oh to have seen that all take place! you made my day yet again, John

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  50. My cat Tiger Lily (rescue kitty) is 21 lbs now and the vet actually said he has a big skeletal for a house cat, course Eartha Kitty (lovely rescue coon cat) that was named when we adopted her, keeps him on his toes. We all broke out laughing! Love reading your stories every day. Cindy

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  51. My cat Tiger Lily (rescue kitty) is 21 lbs now and the vet actually said he has a big skeletal for a house cat, course Eartha Kitty (lovely rescue coon cat) that was named when we adopted her, keeps him on his toes. We all broke out laughing! Love reading your stories every day. Cindy

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