Thursday, 14 February 2013

Things I Have Never Done

Last night I read with some interest Angola Tom's Wild West adventures on A HIPPO ON THE LAWN. His latest blog entry outlines what only can be described as a brawl between himself  and a shop customer and reading the blow by blow details I realised that at the age of 51 I have never actually had a proper fight with ANYONE.
Now sure I have had my fair share of lively disagreements in my time:-
(Many years ago I actually had an animated few words with the RFWF which on reflection could have resulted to my hasty admission to the local A&E)
But , the limits to my testosterone has kept my aggression to  the shouting kind as well as the odd flounce.

This whole subject has gotten me to thinking.
What other things have I never done or experienced after living on this planet for over half a century?
( and I am thinking experiences that I wish I had done)

1. I have never walked up Snowdon ( which is at 3,500 feet is the highest mountain in Wales)
   As a native Welshman this is a terrible omission on my part.

2. I have never walked out of the sea in blue budgie smugglers like Danial Craig from CASINO
    ROYALE

3. I have never made a quiche Lorraine without it having a soggy bottom

4. I have never climbed a ladder any higher than the sixth rung

5. I have never owned a car with a clean interior

6. I have never finished off an attacking zombie hoard with technically impressive brain shots

7. I have never caught a fish on a line

8. I have never owned a proper suit

9. I have never eaten a meal without dribbling something where it shouldn't go.

10. I have never miked a cow or been on a jury


What I have done!

I have seen 4 babies born
I have sipped cocktails in a swanky New York piano bar overlooking the Manhattan Skyline
I have hand reared three goslings to goosehood
I have had my fat arse filmed during a TV documentary
I have chased a psychiatric patient around York Minster
I have walked a bride to be down the aisle
I have been mugged
I have caused 3 minor car accidents
I had had 4 serious girlfriends ! ( a long time ago!)
I have had three serious boyfriends
I nearly chocked  to death on a mint imperial


59 comments:

  1. I can tell you from experience, that whilst walking up Snowdon is fun, it would be a lot easier to take the train!

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    1. And see Nigel's comment below.... I shall be doing this later in the year

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  2. Are you planning to do anything on your 'Never have done list'. I would like to hope you would choose somewhere warmer than Talacre to take some blue budgie smugglers for a dip.

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    1. Down at Talacre? I shall need a full anti sewerage suit on

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  3. what you have done, makes you for what you haven't done too my mind. Oh and by the way I am ready to move back to the city as I am fed up of the bloody wildlife around here.........I blogged about it today.

    Gill

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    1. I am off to have a look

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  4. John, dear john!

    You have done so much (unlike me, most of it good) but like all the rest of us, you can’t fit everything into one short lifespan. Sure, me old son, there are things you would love to have done and still want to do but as both you and I know, the will is still there but the body isn’t.

    So let’s go through your wishlist.

    1. Snowdon. I was run up there as an Army recruit. It was horrible and when I got there I couldn’t even see my Dad’s house. It’s not worth the effort, trust me.
    2. As soon as I am open and flush again, you come here. Bring yer own budgie smugglers and you can walk out of the sea and into a Fat Hippo’s full of gorgeous bikini clad girls and ‘Arty Type’ men (also dressed in budgie smugglers). I do not wear budgie smugglers, by the way, because I really have nothing worth smuggling.
    3. Soggy arsed Quiche. Blind bake it first. Apparently this requires you to form the base, line it with grease proof paper and then fill it with dried pulses, stick it in the oven and get it more or less ready. How the hell you do that with a tea towel tied across yer eyes, not setting fire to yerself or placing the dish in the front loading washing machine instead of the oven is anyone’s guess but apparently it seems to work and earns you a Michelin Star.
    4. You have never climbed a ladder higher than the sixth rung? What’s the point? If the building has more than a ground floor, I tend to use the stairs. If it is a question of changing a light bulb or putting a fairy on the top of the Christmas tree, that’s what maids are for and since I encourage them to wear short skirts and string knickers they know I have their safety at heart when I hold the ladder for them.
    5. You have never owned a car with a clean interior. Neither have I, it just confuses the dogs and is another good reason not to wash so often.
    6. Head shots to attacking zombies. Well, that’s an average Saturday night at Fat Hippo’s except we use ashtrays and furniture and not Glock pistols.
    7. You have never caught a fish on a line? Come to visit me and while you are satisfying desire number two of yours, we’ll attach some bait to your budgie smugglers and you’ll catch a fish on a line.
    8. Suits. I gave them up three years ago. They are expensive and uncomfortable. When I wore them to work, the secretary’s knickers would spontaneously combust… Hmm. I am sending all mine to the dry cleaners and am going on a diet. Buy a suit. We’ll walk in together. I’ll go for the girls and you distract the boyfriends.
    9. Dribbling food? It is a sign of affluence. You score more points if the tie is genuine silk and the shirt from Pink’s. The stains are called Dinner Medals.
    10. You are cheating now. This is two desires in one. How can you lump milking a cow in with jury duty? Why don’t you get over here pretty sharpish and you can sit on my jury Saturday? Afterwards I can show you how we milk goats in Bentiaba Prison.

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    Replies
    1. Thomas..... One day I may take you up on your invitation.... As long as I can bring my own bleach and other anti bug devices

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    2. Oh it's a bug free environment, John. We are not bound by the same EU rules that allow UK supermarkets to sell horsemeat so we use DDT and powdered depleted Uranium. Four year old Alex glows in the dark, can change channels on the TV with a snap of his fingers and you shuld see him zap spiders.

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    3. Wonderful reply Hippo. It all makes really good sense to me and you seem to have most thing covered.... except I vote for Oz for that budgie swimmers debut. We have just the right type of beach and there are some pretty big "fish" swimming around in it too!

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  5. I've only just stopped choking on my lunch at the thought of no:2!! Mr Craig in 'budgie smugglers' is the one reason I am a James Bond convert. You on the other hand - words and visions escape me.
    I have a 'Bucket List' of things I would really love to do in my lifetime. Some of the things we've never done in life really aren't that important and I think the list of things you've done is already pretty impressive. Be proud dear chap :) And thanks for reminding me I have another bucket list entry to add - I want to see a calf being born

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    1. I have you know. I cut a very fine picture of a full blooded Welshman in my briefs

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  6. Sounds like fair exchange.
    p.s. blind bake the quiche pastry shell before adding the custard...no more soggy bottom.

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  7. Well, this is my first exposure to the term budgie smugglers and I can only assume that you are referring to the smallish bird. Really? Why not robin smugglers? Seems maybe closer in size....though I wouldn't claim to know I'm sure!

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    1. I think they chose budgies cos they have a longer body and therefore more of a resemblance to what should be in a blokes speedo's - or so I'm told

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    2. Possibly the saying originated in Australia where budgies are a native bird?

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    3. I am so never going to look at parakeets aka. budgies in the same way again... ;)

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    4. I thought I had acquired a good handle on British English from my 3-week vacation in the UK a few years ago, aided by a 50-year pen pal correspondence with a Brit. But I am constantly stumped by the magnificent expressions in your blog, John. Even after the Bond reference, I was thoroughly mystified by "budgie smugglers". Sigh. Maybe I'm just an innocent. Took several of your and your readers' comments before I got it!

      Nancy in Iowa

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  8. I'm more interested in the RFWF incident!
    Jane x

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    1. That was BEFORE I knew he had been known to joyfully throttle Anyone who crossed him

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  9. That's an impressive 'have done' list...the other one doesn't matter.

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  10. I'm still not sure if getting into a real brawl is something you want to do...surely not? Or at least wait until you're toddling around with a cane, so you have an extra advantage with that weapon.

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    1. I have rally wanted to bitch slap someone..just the once and in public

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  11. 1. I am shocked, really shocked. That is easily rectified when I next visit, if you want. Or, if you insisted, get the train up and walk down.

    2. And I really hope that you never do.

    3. There is a trick to this, but I am not going to tell you (a secret ingredient). Quiche? For pity’s sake John, what’s wrong with you? Pull yourself together man.

    4. Easily resolved at my house. I will hold the ladder.

    5. Easily rectified, if you could be bothered.

    6. I have no idea what this means.

    7. I have (when I was 9 or 10)

    8. I have no idea why someone would “want” to. Unfathomable.

    9. See 5. above.

    10. I have miked a cow (when I was 9 or 10). Justice is for pussies.

    Nx

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    1. You actually said pussies Nigel!
      I had to sit down at that a laugh( loudly)

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  12. You know, I can still laugh out loud at that wide angle shot in the documentary. In fact, I am!!! Priceless television!

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    1. It WAS MY BEST SIDE I MUST ADMIT

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  13. You really must do #7
    It can be habit forming though.
    No more peaceful time with your maker
    Than FISHING!

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  14. By the way - I was turned down for Jury Service and they said they'd never approach me again...

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    1. You would have stood out too much anyway in your Zara suit and careless scarf

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  15. John as usual you added mirth to my day. Re number three, get an Aga and cook the quiche on the bottom of the oven. (but watch it or it will burn)

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  16. Wow, what a list! I've never been in a fight either and I'm thankful for that! I guess girls don't get in fights too often, unless there's a boy involved of course :) I've never seen a baby being born before but I think that would be amazing.

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  17. I wouldn't worry about what you haven't done, what you have done far outshines the first list :-)

    Sue xx

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  18. Budgie smugglers? Haha! I've only heart them called "plum smugglers" LOL

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  19. I would love to climb Snowdon....I'll go up the mountain with ya....have the H2O mask ready and an ambulance waiting....I'm there with you on what I haven't done but I'm on the short side now so may not get it all in.

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  20. I've had to do jury service twice. There's no justice in this world.

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  21. Oh I love this post John.....and why was your arse on tele? I have climbed Snowdon......you really should give it a go I think...and do you keep in touch with the old girlfriends?

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  22. Just sitting with Claire and we have done our own list of things we have done and things we have never done . The j represents me , the c represents Claire :

    1.C : outwitted paparazzi in Rome to get personal meeting and photo with Kevin Costner

    2. J : got drunk with former middleweight champion of the world Martin hagler ...... And I never bought a drink !
    3. C: Served room service to Eric cantona when he was staying secretly at a hotel after doing a Kung fu kick on a crystal palace fan ......he ordered a pepperoni pizza , a fruit salad and two bottles of spsrkling water ..... I got a pair of his Nike training socks in return ..... And never washed them !
    4: J : swam with sharks
    5 C: been the cover girl on a holiday magazine
    6 j : was invited to meet prince Charles ! And had to undergo security service scrutiny as a result of accepting
    7 C : had the umpire tell me to be quiet at a Wimbledon men's singles semi final ........ I got a but over excited

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  23. 8:J: fallen asleep in the dark inside the cellar of a haunted house whilst the others have moved on to do a seance elsewhere in the house ...... I was alone and cold but none the wiser
    9: C : been surfing in Australia , when a large fin exited the water not two feet from me ...... It was a dolphin but I wasn't to know
    10: J: been on live tv in Australia surrounded by dwarves ..... The comedy dwarf segment of a popular tv programme

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    1. Well that pisses on my list

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  24. If you add Snowdon to the list you'll be just about perfect.

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  25. Things we have never done :

    C. Never owned a cat!
    J. Never acted on a stage
    C: never been in a yellow taxi
    J: never played rugby
    C: never drank a glass of milkr , or drank a cup of tea or coffee ......I am 37 and that is true !
    J : I have never watched downtown abbey
    C: never been on a motorbike
    J : never broken a bone in my body
    C: Never been in a helicopter
    J: never sang the national anthem

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    1. Not even the welsh national anthem?

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    2. There are certain anthems which I hum along to , the welsh one is amazing when it's sung by a welsh rugby crowd ..... But I am not welsh so I can't claim pride from it ..... I love the Italian anthem , the german , the USA and the Russian ..... The English or gb one is a joke , hate it with a passion and being non royalist it merely adds to what I think they deserve ..... Shit anthem !

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    3. I learnt the welsh anthem off a tea towel in 1988

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    4. Funnily enough , my respect for the welsh rugby fans came from a short stay in bargoed in south Wales during the then 5 nations rugby tournament ...... The pubs were heaving and the beer was flowing but it was something else to see those people sing ! I am not patriotic in any way at all but I do admire it in others , though I don't have much time for English patriotism ...... I

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  26. I have recently managed to get out of jury service. I've had a few punches thrown at me once, but I couldn't bring myself to punch back. I am not an agressive person.

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  27. I've milked a cow and sat on a jury twice. I've owned a proper suit but only the one, which I discarded about 40 years ago. But I'm with you on not climbing a ladder past the sixth rung. Very scary things, ladders.

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  28. Unrelated to this post... but I just found some sterling serving utensils at my Uncle's house that is stamped "Sheffield, England"... and thought of you

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    1. Sheffield cutlery circled the world

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  29. The list of what I have not done would probably fill a book!
    The things you have done are quite interesting as well.
    Have a great Friday, John!

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  30. So, what's on your list of things that you'd like to do John?

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  31. You have done so many things that are so funny.. I just love reading your blog and reading about how you take care of all your animals.. I love reading about Aunt Gladys..I love reading about walking your dogs..You have a great blog and it's very interesting~! Somedays your blog just makes me laugh...Have a great day~!~! ta ta for now from Iowa:)

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  32. I too want to hear about the RFWF incident! Ooh - and the york minster chase. :-)

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  33. Sipping cocktails in a bar that overlooks the Manhattan skyline is certainly a delight. I hope your experience of being mugged did not happen on the same trip.

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  34. John next village im slowly working my way threw my bucket list---finaces permitting!

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  35. Hello carol
    Lovely to hear from another nurse from the next village .....do you now live in trelogan?

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