Friday, 25 January 2013

BitchWars

Jess and Meg in happier times
For most of January I will be popping into my sister\'s house on a daily basis to walk her patterdale terrier, Jess.
Jess and our Meg have hated each other ever since they met some five years ago and all it needs is a look in the wrong direction and the two of them can be found noisily locked together biting the f@*k out of any anatomy part that manages to come to hand.
Bitches are like the females of most species, for they never forget a slight and they NEVER forget a nasty bite up the arse.
Unfortunately Meg and Jess are both terriers (and terriers for those that don\'t know never EVER back down)
Having said all this, things have seemed to have settled down somewhat over the last year , so when I called down to Prestatyn to walk Jess on Monday,I thought I would take the chance to give her a further break by allowing her to come on a bit of a drive in the car.
Things went well all week. Jess was tied into the back seat with the ever calm William and George and Meg was given alpha female status in the front seat next to me. Everyone looked happy..and everyone got along. We have been out together all week long now and have visited the beach, the animal wholesalers and even been on a jaunt to my friend Eirlys\' farm, everything has been fine... That was until I made the mistake of taking my eye off the ball by putting a scotch egg into my mouth as I started to drive out of Sainsbury\'s car park.
I think it was the delightful aroma of egg and sausage meat that finally did for me, for as I took my first heavenly chew, all hell let loose.
OUT OF NOWHERE Jess started to manfully drag a barking Meg into the back of the berlingo by her face fur.
I slammed to a halt ( blocking the road as I did so) and spattering scotch egg everywhere tried desperately to separate the two as a small crowd started to form to watch. William was happy enough to each the shrapnel as it fell and I could hardly yell at any of them as it is almost impossible to utter anything bit a faint squeak when you have a mouthful of boiled egg.
For god\'s sake I could have choked to death but after a minute or two I did manage to separate the bitches and re tie them to their respective seats after vacating the car and clambering manically into the back .

during all of this palava, I have to note that George being the opportunist that he is, clambered into the front seat and managed to steal my last remaining scotch egg from its resting place on the dashboard.


51 comments:

  1. driving, eating and 'dogging' is bad for ones health!

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  2. Are you MAD? Four dogs and only one scotch egg? In a confined space? You got off lightly.....

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  3. Talk about distracted driving lol.

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  4. That almost sounds like a plot. Jess gets to chew on Meg, and George and William get the eggs.... hmmmm

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  5. George!!!! Such a funny little man he is!!!
    Hope Meg has survived. That Jess is NOT a very nice pooch – next time I would put her in the trunk!

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  6. And, oh, scotch eggs... I can't remember the last time I had one. They are so delicious!

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  7. so all in all this is your fault not the dogs then!!!! I think it't time for you to sit on the naughty step and consider what you did wrong....

    Gill in Canada

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    1. We were recently at my son's (overcrowded) house for a birthday party. My husband sat on the bottom stair to get a bit of space. Imogen (middle, switched on grand daughter) then asked WHY? is Grandad on the naughty step? you've got to love them!

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  8. Has anyone ever thought anymore about a film of your life? In the right hands it should be a winner!

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  9. re the bitches; maybe Joanna Lumley could offer some advice!

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  10. Sounds like many of the vacation trips we took with our four children years ago.

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  11. Terriers don't back down Jon, you're right. They are canine pocket battleships.

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  12. The moral here is quite simple - stop eating Scotch Eggs...

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  13. John you do kill me with your descriptions ! Ha I don't even allow the girls out together too often any more, as the bitch fight at times takes me forever to break up!

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  14. Imagine the carnage if you'd had a faggot in there?

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  15. Was the crowd all folded arms,pursed lips and tutting?
    Jane x

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  16. I wish someone had caught that scene of film! Hahaha!

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  17. Anonymous1:50 pm

    My 8th grade students are laughing their collective asses off. dianne

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  18. I think this was a canine cunning plan worked out by all and sundry to get at those Scotch eggs John - they are not daft these dogs you know and they probably like Scotch eggs almost as much as you do.

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  19. My old girl of 15 is still like that. She's a Bedlington whippet and the terrier side is still alive and well!

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  20. Mmmm, Scotch eggs! I can see why that would send them into a feeding frenzy!

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  21. Is there anything more thrilling than negotiating rush-hour London traffic while a dog vomits down the back of your neck and then affectionately licks your ear?

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  22. Snippet, who is half Patterdale, only needs a growl from another dog and he's in for the kill, even with dogs five times his size. I find hoiking them into nearby water very effective if there is any. Inside the car, not so good. I'm feeling an urge for a scotch egg....

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  23. Oh, John the dogs, thanks so much for the laugh! I love all your dogs and would be hard pressed to pick a favourite, but i must say, today it's George.

    So, Jess was just biding her time, i see. Well, a Scotch egg, Meg was MUCH closer to it than she, and it was a wrong that HAD to be redressed.

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  24. Well, being a female, I can testify that I certainly haven't forgotten a particularly nasty bite up the arse many years ago and I would most definitely fight to the last over a scotch egg.

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  25. Sorry I forgot to mention Wales in my latest post!! :)

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  26. What a crazy, wonderful, chaotic life you lead, John the dogs!

    No one in the car could resist the lure of the Scotch Eggs!

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  27. No flies on George. That last scotch egg was doomed the moment he spotted it.

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  28. We had the same prob when we inherited a terrier. Huge sense of entitlement and in no way was going to adjust to the pet pecking order of our house. Fortunately we were able to find him a nice home where he would be the only pet, and I expect he made sure it stayed that way.

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  29. Those Scotch eggs will be your undoing John, one way or the other.
    And never underestimate a bitch called Jess.

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  30. If we toss a goose or a couple of Runners in the middle....now that would have been something! Thanks for the laugh.

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  31. George is clearly the winner. I do understand. We call our Isadora aka Izzy, the Jack Russell Terrorist. Hearty little bastards aren't they? Glad you were alright. And I did laugh as I read your story.

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  32. I think I see the problem here.....you got cocky. You thought, "This is going so well, I can relax". Then you got even braver and introduced food during of a barely contained truce. You are lucky you still have all your fingers!! I would pay good money for video footage of that little "drama". Good Lord you make me laugh.

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  33. And THAT my friend is the seedy side of Scotch Eggs, deemed trouble-makers by most.
    I think you were set-up, and George paid Jess to grab poor Meg, in order to be 'one' with his Countryman, they're not called Welsh eggs are they ?
    The situations you get yourself in boyo :)
    ~Jo

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  34. Good old George. Life is a bitch sometimes - but I do love your stories.

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  35. Think you were begging for that one, John...

    Good on George!

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  36. That's like our Kane. Always an opportunist.

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  37. gotta love that george!!!

    I laughed at this post of yours - because you knew better...LOL

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  38. Never underestimate a Scottie. He knew what he wanted and zoomed in on it ! Good Boy George !
    I have got to try and make some Scotch Eggs. I am so craving them right now !

    cheers, parsnip

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  39. Anonymous8:44 pm

    My two girls (Welsh Pembroke Corgi and Boston Terrier) are amazingly forgiving . . . UNTIL a certain point is reached, as which time they will never voluntarily hang out with the offender again.

    And introducing food into a vehicle with four dogs and not sharing? Pretty cold of you! :-)

    Deb

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  40. Dogs are the best opportunists.

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  41. Oh gosh, John. Haha.
    You DO have an exciting life. ;o)
    Thanks for sharing it with us, as always. ♥

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  42. Your life is full of hilarious drama - well done George.

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  43. Four terriers in a confined space with a couple of scotch eggs. You were lucky to escape with your life. I do love George - the ultimate quiet achiever!

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  44. LOL. Don't you just love them.

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  45. Hats off to George!
    LOL! taking the eating of a scotch egg to a whole new dimension!

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  46. Sounds like you need windscreen wipers on the inside of the Berlingo to wipe away your scotch egg spittle and other interior deposits.

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  47. I just moved my foster dog Humble because she kept fighting with 'my girls' and all I can think of is that saying 'there's a reason why they call them bitches!' :-)

    I've just got to try a Scotch egg....

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  48. LOL one of the funiest Blogs that I have read.

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