Eleanor

I’m tired tonight 

We had a nice long walk with Eleanor earlier today 

And we are all dozing early 

I’m off to bed shortly and it’s well before nine

Chic Eleanor made my day, 

She took my arm when we walked, 

And didn’t let go

And she hugged me long and hard when we parted

It was lovely

 

Birthday Garden

 The removal and subject of masks in Wales has ruffled a few feathers since yesterday and last night I received a few messages ( mainly from nurse friends who are totally opposed to the legislation) I’ve reflected on it and feel ok with the decision , especially from a hospice’s perspective.

If I was a nurse in the acute sector, I would keep my mask on

Throughout the pandemic our hospice was the only healthcare facility I know, that remained open to visitors. We had to maintain a strict policy, regarding numbers and track and trace and PPE but every patient who was at the end of their life, could have their loved ones with them to say their goodbyes. 

I visited many family homes when working on the community , where a house was packed with grieving relatives and I had to balance my own safety with the fact that syringe drivers needed changing and patients needed turning.

The taking off of our masks yesterday was almost symbolic. 

The nurses, the doctors, our physio, social worker, community nurses and support workers as well as the admin staff and housekeeper all looked at each other….properly ….and collectively we saw each other smile with our whole faces again…..

Anyhow today is dull…weather wise ….I’m meeting Chic Eleanor for lunch which will brighten the proceedings then I need to catch up with Gorgeous Dave in order to discuss Italy .

It’s choir tonight too.

While I was at work my sister has been beavering away planting the garden borders out, as a birthday gift.

It seems that hundreds of shrubs and flowers have suddenly appeared, including a lovely Japanese acer in a pot. My cousin Karen left me a beautiful yellow rose to incorporate into the design ,

Thank you to people who have sent me cards and unlabelled gifts . I will open them tomorrow before I go to work . My friend Ruth who is in Scotland and Ben in South Korea will be zooming together at 6.30 am over breakfast.

Masks

Finally after 24 months

No masks at work

We've organised a pub crawl to celebrate

 

  The woman was around 80 I suppose

She had bright orange hair which had been dyed within an inch of its life 

And she had been a psychiatric patient for most of her adult life.

Me and my fellow student nurse Paula ( a cheerful scouser with a foul mouth) were student nurses back then and we were on placement with the occupational therapy department  at the West Cheshire hospital where the patient  with orange hair visited daily.

We were being taught how to shampoo and set hair that day! 

Now, even back then, I wasn’t known for my sartorial elegance, but I was game to learn a new skill and so with the equally clueless Paula we set about shampooing and setting the patient’s hair and rolled layer upon layer with curlers that looked like rigid hairy caterpillars. The OT in charge told us to pin the curlers and to treat the lady with a cup of very sweet tea and some Jaffa cakes.

I remember Paula telling me that the hair had to be “wrapped” very tightly around the curler so after a good three quarters of an hour wrapping the patent resembled a German mine and was placed for a long heat under an industrial sized hair dryer. 

We knew something had gone slightly awry when the OT angrily called us back after she had finally “unwrapped” the patient an hour later, finding  her covered in a bright orange mop of near steel strength red curls 

She looked dreadful but the patent grinned widely at everyone as the occupational therapist shrieked at us “look at her !!! …LOOK! What have you got to say about this?” 

I just blushed

But Paula with her Liverpudlian wit spread her arms out wide 

And sang 

“ THE SUN’l COME OUT TOMORROW ! BET YOUR BOTTOM DOLLAR THAT TOMORROW !!!!”

Sunday

 It’s a grey morning, and wet.

Even though is almost summer, it feels like Autumn.

It feels like a back-to-school day.

I’m not making my bucket of coffee this morning. I will buy some on the drive through as a treat.

I’m working with new bank staff today.

We are short staffed again

Healthcare feels as though it’s gone tits up following the pandemic 

I was talking to Nu about it yesterday 

So many nurses have left, retired, resigned, moved on….burnt out and tired.

She worked in the big teaching hospitals in London

She knows.

Dorothy knows I’m going to work and is unhappy .

Thank god for Ewan ( Trendy Carol’s hubby) who will be collecting them soon.

Dorothy loves him too

Dusk

This is my favourite view of one of the roads into Trelawnyd

Cwm Road from the South.

My cottage is the at the end on the left

It’s heading towards dusk but is warm and peaceful 

I had a date today. 

Just a walk and a coffee along the prom.

There was no spark although Dorothy seemed to like him.

I thought about it all I walked up the lane towards home.

Animal helper Pat, stopped to chat .

So we laughed a bit and I forgot what I was thinking about

Nothing important

 

Catch Up

 Like the meaning of the song Send In The Clowns, I’ve always been baffled of just how untidy my cottage becomes when I am on a run of long shifts.

It looks like a midden.

I’ve just worked two long days and today is my day off between two more.

And so it’s  a cleaning day.

Doors and windows open

Music on

Tidying and cleaning is a repetitive, mindless and also mindful chore

Everything ordered 

Everything in its place

Albert’s snot marks on his window refuge gone

The sad underpants in the wash

And with the kitchen smelling magnificently of lemons and bleach 

Full Circle

 

60 Some Thoughts

Sixty.

I know it’s such a boring platitude but I have to say the words always said at these times…

Where does the time go?

I’m writing this at 5 am Albert and I are the only ones awake. Dorothy is gently chewing my pj bottoms, she’s dreaming she’s a puppy

Where did the time go?

I couldn’t tell you…I really can’t.

So , I have been reflecting …….like you do .

I’m reflecting until Wednesday when it actually hits me albeit gently ….square in the face

On the 1st , I’m working all day and we are short handed

I won’t have time to feel anything but fucked.

Here are just 20 thoughts, thoughts in the middle of the night just after Dawn 

1. Working where I do has made me realise that people who “hate getting old “ are idiots. 

You are allowed to hate becoming ill, becoming infirm , becoming depressed ….but don’t hate getting old.

I am lucky reaching 60 , I know that, and I am grateful.

2. Memory is a fickle friend. 

3. Strangely as it may seem sex is better now  than when I took it for granted ….however it is unfortunately more infrequent 

( refer to point 2!)

4. Certain memories last a lifetime and they will never leave you……I dip into a score as I lay in bed….

1968 Janet and I doing Tarzan impersonations out of our bedroom window. 1972 my grandmother smelling of love and cold cream 1973 my first viewing of The Poseidon Adventure 1980 a family party at Ann’s house. 1992 …..getting drunk with Nu in a Galway pub…… Dancing on a Sheffield hospital roof in the dark 1996 seeing New York City  from the air 

2002 meeting my first dog Finlay…..true love 

2015 getting married, 2016 Watching the cor de ballet in Giselle at the Royal Opera house 

Salsa dancing in Sheffield 

Happiness….a flash of realising I was happy, truly happy .

5. Being a nurse …and seeing people at their very best often when they are experiencing their very worst .

 

6  Now realising that when someone starts a conversation with “;I’m not being ……”; they always are

7 Actions always speak louder than fucking words

8 I miss not being a dad but I can now be a cool sort of uncle and grandadish …..a couple of weeks ago My “teenage” nephew Leo texted after a date and excitedly told me he’d just had his first kiss. 

It made me insanely happy.

9 friends are life …but at 60 they start to leave you…please treasure them

10. The Walking Dead needs a Uk Version, and I soooooo want to be in it 

11. I no longer have to pretend to put up with bad behaviour , bad music, bad films or toxic people 

12. I Don’t expect good news coverage on breakfast tv. I say what I think more  when I deal with any services and I won’t put up with shitty management at work 

13. Never talk about politics, gun law or post a seemingly innocuous blog without thinking about it on line. And if I do, expect a load of shitty responses 

14 I now recognise that real friends are real in so much that they don’t rationalise affection or praise or support. They just accept you. 

15 sleep if you can in an afternoon….every afternoon.

16 what did we ever do without phones and internet ?

17. Don’t be unloyal to yourself . I’ve done  it for too many years now. Don’t do things you don’t want to do. Don’t be what you don’t want to be and don’t expect others to do the same 

18  Eat a scotch egg , when I bloody well want one 

19  if you love someone , tell them . Tell them as often as you can 

20  to now move forward into my 61st  year by embracing a new skill ( professional counselling ), a new career , and new experiences …..I realise that inkind of deserve it ….

Hey ho, I’m almost sixty 

And I’m off to work…….soon……

So wish me a happy birthday next Wednesday  , I’m shallow enough , to enjoy every single comment 

Adv

Tidy Up

I’m working the next four out of five long days ( the hospice is getting the most of me before I go part time in four weeks) so I may not be blogging every day. We are so short staffed, a symptom of post covid too, me thinks ….so many nurses have left nursing after the last two years 

In health care masks are still to be worn and it’s playing havoc with my beard which has morphed from being a trimmed goatee to something like Father Christmas would be proud of,

Perhaps I will leave it and wear purple, and shout in the street…..I’m 60 on Wednesday

 

Herbivore & Benediction

 

The cafe in Chester’s Storyhouse doubles as a library and a study area. Consequently it is always busy with tables filled with students on their laptops and diners eating Trendy bites.

I found a table only frequented by one academic type at his computer and asked if I could share. He readily agreed and made room for me when I returned with my Americano. 

As I sat down the man pointed to my T-shirt and asked if I was being ironic

I told him that I was but added that most herbivores were big boned.

He laughed and said he wasn’t inferring anything.

The man was slim and smart and was in his forties. He looked Middle Eastern or perhaps Egyptian but had a crisp radio 4 accent.

I looked at my phone and I could feel him looking at me. 

We fell into an easy conversation .

He asked me what I did for a living and mentioned he had done some work in Chester’s Hospice collecting recorded thoughts and reflections from patients. I shared that I had done the same from older residents in Trelawnyd .

We discussed the use of memory boxes in hospice care ( they are boxes of memories some patients like to prepare for their loved ones to reflect upon after their death) and my companion shared that he’d often thought about videoing messages for his children to see after his death .

As I sipped my coffee, he looked at his watch and said he had to go.

“ You have a happy face” he said as he gathered his bag and I laughed in genuine surprise 

“See you again in here” he said before leaving.

And he left me pleased and intrigued

The conversation was as refreshing to me as a very cold beer is to a tired man on a very hot day.

Jack Lowdon

I went to see the rather sad drama Benediction which is the story of the wartime poet Siegfried Sassoon from his invalided exit from the army, his subsequent unhappy relationships with Stephen Tennent and Ivor Novello, through an unhappy  marriage ending with his conversion to Catholicism as an older man .

The narrative, especially the ones of the wartime years, is told in a series of cinematic tableaux where music and poetry, photographs and live action build a picture of a man haunted and angered by the horrors of war but as the story moves towards Sassoon’s search for love the plot becomes a little more traditional.

Jack Lowdon is impressive as the angry and eventual rather lost Sassoon. Mathew Tennyson is heartbreaking in his short but pivotal role as the gentle Wilfred Owen who Sassoon meets in the Scottish “neurological/ psychiatric” hospital and Ben Daniels gives the bleak first half some warmth as his role of Dr Rivers, a gay psychiatrist who sees the world with some welcomed benign pragmatism 

Terence Davies has produced an impressive but overwhelmingly sad film about failure, survivor guilt and sexual shame.

Tender Heart

I didn’t finish choir tonight. 

I was stood next to the village hall’s burning hot radiator and it set me coughing my post covid cough and made me feel quite faint.

We had finished the tricky Tender Heart so I sat outside listening to the singing before coming home. 

I only missed 20 minutes.

Heulwen from the tenors, called in this evening to check if I was ok. 

I had told fellow bass Brian I was taking some air but I’d forgotten he’s deaf in his right ear.

I bought a hydrangea and some bedding plants for Trendy Carol today as a thank you for dog sitting.

Tomorrow I’ve booked a ticket to see Benediction 

CBM measured the patio dimensions and will give me a quote for the new roof.

He liked how I’ve titivated the bathroom

 

The Ladies

 

Lady Eleanor Butler (1739-1829) & Sarah Ponsonby( 1755-1831) are well known in North Wales as the famous Ladies Of Llangollen. Famous just as much today as they were in the 1800s, these two recluse eccentrics moved to Wales from Ireland to set up a home together at Plas Newydd in what was always presumed ( but never really proved) in a lesbian relationship.

Last night I went to see the premier of Celebrated Virgins, a new play by Kati Elgin Salt . From the get go the play informed the audience that it was going to redress history by telling the true story of Eleanor and Sarah from their privileged Irish start to their goldfish bowl existence in the picturesque Welsh town of Llangollen .

I will try not to give much away but the play has two very differently paced halves. The first is set in Ireland and effectively sets up the meeting of these two amazing women where as the second , and lighter half looks at their lives in Wales. 

There is much marching around the stage by the cast , which is a bit distracting , but the love affair between Eleanor ( Victoria John) and Sarah( Heather Agyepong is rather movingly told to be honest but I must admit Emma Pallant steals the show with her duel handed role as Sarah’s adopted mother and as the Ladies’ foul mouthed personal Irish maid who kept the two women afloat financially when she died in service .Her asides to the audience provided the much needed humour of the play. 

It’s such a privilege seeing the opening night of a new play. 

I’ve already twitted my thanks to the actors involved and I hope it does well.

Two old broads with tiny feet

Borders Of White

 Almost overnight the lane outside the cottage has been bordered with wild flowers.

Predominately white at the moment but the red valerian is making a comeback in between the cow parsley and the aubretia which has survived some over zealous grass cutting by the council workmen.

The lane is softened by the white drifts of flowers and May into June is the best time for the garden too with eight types of aquilegia lifting the borders into pastels once again.

I got up early today walked the dogs then naughtily went back to bed at 10 am 

I’m now up and around and feel better for the catch up after working the weekend.

Tonight I’m meeting a friend for some historical lesbian drama at Theatre Clwyd

It’s about the famous Ladies Of Llangollen so I suspect there will be no bodice ripping in sight.

Chairs and Carpets

 

I was late home tonight.

I witnessed a road accident in Colwyn Bay and stopped to help.

The girl was ok in the bashed mini but I had quite a lot of blood on my hands from a laceration on her knuckles 

She told me I looked like her dad as we waited for the police 

She was in shock 

I needed the last of my Christmas gin when I got home.

The bats were out in force in the lane as the dogs returned 

My friend Nigel sent an email about his birthday gift to me 

We have the same birthday 

Under his message was one from a furniture company 

I bought a chair from them  a few months ago and they cheerfully told me that it should be delivered tomorrow

A friend had a similar one and I loved the way it felt when I sat in it 

I’m a sucker for nice chairs 

Just the living room carpet to change,

I’ve toyed with a hardwood floor

But you bloody well  can’t have slippy floors with bulldogs around……

They just can’t fucking corner

Andra Day - Rise Up

I love this song, obviously inspired by Maya Angelou.

An anthem for keeping going.eh?

It’s Saturday night and I’ve just had a delightfully hot long shower after work. 

Covered in dogs I’m now watching the 1971 The French Connection and I’ve forgotten just how good it is .but I need to go to bed soon as I’m up in the morning 

I can’t wait to go part time. Only a month or so to go.

It’s almost dusk and a man is shooting rabbits in the field with a powerful air rifle 

I can’t find Albert in the cottage so I’ve just called over for him to be careful as Albert too is hunting rabbits.

The man didn’t look pleased

I didn’t care.

For Albert limped up out of the grass when he heard my voice .

Mrs Trellis left a phone message worried about the war memorial inside the Church 

My elder sister messaged asking what I wanted for my birthday

I asked for a super king sized lightweight duvet 

Another two friends have messaged me but I’m tired so I promised myself to answer them tomorrow night ….I ate some cold sushi rice with chicken then  drank a gin and tonic on the patio before returning to Gene Hackman 

It’s almost dark 

And the pipistrelle bats are roaring up and down the lane like a Top Gun video with Mary watching them as though she’s sat at Wimbledon 

'Still I Rise' by Maya Angelou

The poem is new to me 

It slaps you hard when heard for the first time does it not ?

The words AND the performance 

It’s Nu’s birthday today, she’s in Turkey 

Off to work

First Kiss

Kitchen table

Coffee.

The bantam cockerel is noisy next door which is strange as it’s 10.30.

I’m planning my cooking for the weekend as I’m working both days

Katsu curry, sushi and mushroom noodles.

Tonight I’m out to dinner for a colleagues leaving do .

The 1970s Italian in Conwy, Alfredo’s 

More coffee, me thinks, then I need to post some birthday cards.

Amongst others it’s Nu’s birthday tomorrow.

My nephew texted me yesterday

The message was simple and to the point.

“ Julie and I had our first kiss today” 

I was touched he had shared the milestone with me and managed a exuberant reply of “ OMG !”

“ Yep “ came the economical and proud response.

I told him to keep on practicing if he liked it 

And he sent me lots of laughing emojis 

😆🤣

Now my first kiss with a girl was a somewhat overblown and unpleasant affair, Her name was Eirian  and the kiss was wet and sloppy and passionless. She had a bosom that acted as though it had a brain of its own and I felt somewhat hemmed in by it and Eirian’s lips as I lay prostrate on her parents couch.

I was sixteen and disappointed 

I was 18 when I was kissed by a man. 

It felt like a one off as it was by the brother of my then girlfriend and although it felt right in so many ways, it totally felt wrong in others. 

It was six years later when I was more grown up when I had my second , proper snog with a man.

Now this too was a strange affair which happened after midnight in the back entrance doorway of Bootham Park Hospital’s psychiatric wing.

He was a policeman with a thick black beard who had stopped for a cuppa at our mother and baby unit

I was showing him out when he unexpectedly pushed me against the door and kissed me.

If there was more to the moment, like the build up of flirting or any furtive blushing , I can’t recall it. 

I always remember him as being tall and cheerful, and full of manly smiles.

I wonder now if he was just a security guard. 

But his kiss was a million miles away from the ones I had experienced before.

And one or two since.

Downton ( Spoilers)

 

 I felt like a Sunday afternoon film today.

Nothing too taxing.

Just something to wash over me .

It had to be Downton Abbey a new Era .

Now watching Downton is a bit like attending a works reunion or a night out with old school mates. 

You are visiting with people that you like but you haven’t really got enough time to talk to.

24 main characters within a two hour storyline? 

Therefore everything plot line is hurried and save for a couple of scenes, most of the pathos and drama is lost.

It must be slightly annoying for some to watch their favourite characters, for instance  Anna, Mr Bates and Danka who just stand around muttering the odd word and I had to smile at Imelda Staunton who popped up in three scenes only to say something like I need a cup of coffee and I’m off to a sleep before exiting stage left.

But it’s very silly and lovely to look at , what with Downton being used as the  backdrop for a cinema shoot as most of the toffs relocate to the south of France to take possession of a villa left to Dowager some seventy years previously.

And in good fairy tale style all the romantic loose ends are tied up with Baxter, Mosely, Mrs Padmore and 

Barrow finding happier endings.

Of course it is Maggie Smith’s swan song as the wisecracking Lady Dowager and rather movingly her final scene with the glorious Penelope Wilton ( her nemesis for all of the tv series ) is sweet and unhurried and incredibly poignant 

Take your tissues

It was sunny in Chester when I left the cinema and it was nice to sit in the sun on Northgate street and listen to a busker playing a Spanish guitar

I fell asleep 

Sewing

 

Gawd it was a busy shift, somewhat fraught and rather stressful 

I’m now drinking a huge gin with a wonderful long slice of cucumber 

Watching Sewing Bee

I’d love to meet the three presenters over dinner