Tact is the art of saying nothing, when there is nothing you can say.
So many people cannot cope with this skill
It doesn’t feature in their arsenal
Some need to either fill a void with a platitude,or emoji or prove to themselves they are worthy by trying to say the right thing.
Invariably they make things worse by failing to reading the room, or by not seeing the bigger picture.
Silence is part of counselling culture and training.
It allows a look to convey concern or empathy or just acceptance
It gives space, and allows pain to be shared without heavy handed words and meaningless phrases
Silence is ancient
It is powerful
And it is not used enough
Thank you for this reminder. I am not a big talker, and often wish some would not comment on everything. I so enjoy your posts.
ReplyDeleteThis is a personal post today
DeleteYou are so right.
ReplyDeleteA rarity sometimes but I agree lol
DeleteI'm sure I don't use it enough. I try to, but sometimes the thing I want to say just won't stay unsaid.
ReplyDeletePerhaps an answer is pausing a little and giving yourself a question…..will what I say be useful ?
DeleteI’m sensing a great deal of pain in this post
ReplyDeleteLee
You sense right
DeleteDoes this mean that a counsellor can earn money by saying nothing and just sitting there sagely, occasionally nodding or raising the old eyebrows? Even Yosser Hughes could have done that.
ReplyDeleteI’ve know some do exactly this
DeleteA song from my mental jukebox John: " When You Say Nothing At All"- Ronan Keating. The lyrics are brilliant.
ReplyDeleteIt's amazing how you can speak right to my heart
DeleteWithout saying a word, you can light up the dark
Try as I may, I can never explain
What I hear when you don't say a thing
The smile on your face lets me know that you need me
There's a truth in your eyes saying you'll never leave me
The touch of your hand says you'll catch me wherever I fall
You say it best, when you say nothing at all
All day long, I can hear people talking out loud (ooh)
But when you hold me near (you hold me near) you drown out the crowd (out the crowd)
Try as they may, they can never define
What's being said between your heart and mine
The smile on your face lets me know that you need me
There's a truth in your eyes saying you'll never leave me
The touch of your hand says you'll catch me wherever I fall
You say it best (you say it best) when you say nothing at all
Oh, the smile on your face lets me know that you need me
There's a truth in your eyes saying you'll never leave me
The touch of your hand says you'll catch me wherever I fall
You say it best (you say it best) when you say nothing at all
That smile on your face (you say it best)
(When you say nothing at all) the truth in your eyes
The touch of your hand lets me know that you need me (you say it best, when you say nothing at all)
(You say it best, when you say nothing at all) nothing at all
Love it! Was this song in the movie Nottinghill or Love Actually or ... ?
DeleteHugs!
Notting Hill
DeleteThanks to you, I'm now trying to think before I dive in. Trying to teach myself to read their body language and judge when words are needed and, more importantly, when they're not. xx
ReplyDeleteI’m not a silence lover, I’ve chosen to embrace it more
DeleteTact cannot be taught, and neither can empathy.
ReplyDeleteMy point exactly ( xxx)
Deletehttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1SCOimBo5tg
ReplyDeleteIsn’t she lovely
DeleteSometimes, the act of being there, without the need to offer solutions or words, can be profoundly supportive. A sense of normalcy and an unspoken assurance that a person is not alone. This form of silent support allows for emotions to be felt, expressed and worked through without feeling pressured to articulate feelings or entertain the friend/relative. It takes being comfortable with yourself, with your own feelings and emotions, and those of others. Not everyone is and that need to fill the silences is often too painful.
ReplyDeleteWestern communication with the need to speak, read, and write so extensively that even short pauses can feel awkward, prompting us to fill the gap with small talk. In many Western contexts, silence can come across as a void that must be filled or a sign of disengagement.
DeleteYet in numerous Eastern, native American, Scandinavian, and Polynesian cultures are quiet cultures with more emphasis on affective communication, such as expressing their feelings about something, rather than just verbal communication. The tradition of story telling, listen, observing is the golden silence.
An interesting and astute perception
DeleteThis is so interesting and I agree. A lot of food for thought in this post.
DeleteAs Ulvmor said, such silence is friendly. It is comforting just being able to "be" with those closest to you. I'm from a tribal/indigenous and Scandinavian family, where constant noise from chatter (people, radio, TV) makes me feel uncomfortble and anxious. Back home, I cherish time with my loved ones because we do have comfortable silences. However, I live in a western culture that never seems to sleep, and my need for quiet solitude is more than is seen as "healthy" here. On the flip side, the act of ghosting, where one party suddenly cuts off communication without explanation, illustrates a more negative aspect of silence in our modern interactions. This form of silence can leave individuals feeling confused and abandoned, highlighting the emotional weight that silence can carry in relationships. The lack of closure often leads to lingering questions and unresolved feelings, emphasizing that not all silence is golden.
DeleteSo very true, John.
ReplyDeleteFrom my childhood, "If you cannot say something nice, say nothing at all."
Hugs!
I think it’s more , if you are not sure of what to say , say nothing
DeleteI had a longtime friend who was a devout Quaker........she taught me the true essence of *tactful silence*...... It is a process that takes time....but I am working on that
ReplyDeleteSusan M/ Calif
In my career in broadcast journalism I learned the art of not saying anything to allow the interviewee to fill the space. I would think it would be the same in counseling.
ReplyDeleteNordic culture is much more quiet than other western cultures (if you say Scandinavian you leave out Finland and Iceland). In Finland you can sit the whole evening with your closest ones and not say a word, and it's ok. Swedish do speak more, but even Danish can be quiet if the moment is there.
ReplyDeleteIt's frendly quietness, accepting, being there.
Ulvmor
Yes, but screaming also helps sometimes!
ReplyDelete((0))
ReplyDeleteI had one session of therapy years ago and didn't continue as the counsellor was silent. It doesn't suit some people. I wanted some kind of acknowledge that he was present, understood what I was saying etc. I don't think it suits everyone in therapy. It didn't me.
ReplyDeleteI found the counsellor's silence quite disconcerting at first, I would just carry on talking and usually would end up saying what was really on my mind. I no longer have counselling and I miss someone just listening to me. I don't want advice or sympathy or dismissal I just want to be heard.
ReplyDeleteThat last comment about silence in therapy was by me - Ruth
ReplyDeleteJust to add, as it still annoys me 30 years later, I spent that 30 minutes or hour feeling more and more pissed off with him. If you're a counsellor you have to adapt to what the person wants, not what you think is best. Ruth
ReplyDeleteTotally agree with you, John. Silence leaves the space many people need, and gives them the chance to open up.
ReplyDeleteIt takes work to avoid filling the void of silence.
ReplyDeleteMy sister was uncomfortable with moments of silence and always struggled to try to fill them with something relevant. My dad would hold the phone in his hand while she cheerfully chattered away because he couldn't bear the mindless one sided conversation.
ReplyDeleteOn the other hand, when I would visit him at his assisted living home, we would often sit in silence. And while it was quiet, I would watch him watch the baseball game on TV (no sound) as he relived his life when he was a pitcher for the local town team. Sometimes silence is golden. Ranee
In so many ways, tactfulness has gone by the wayside. Decorum went with tactfulness.
ReplyDeleteWhere did diplomacy go on the world stage?
Over speaking makes the individual look like a hot mess.