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| The former vicarage gardens where the show is held |
Of course there are always a few difficult customers.
" How much to come in love?" One old bag asked
" £ 1.50 " I said giving her big smile
" HOW MUCH?" She shrieked
I repeated myself and added in my best PR voice " there's lots to see and enjoy"
" You can bugger off" she said huffing away.
So I couldn't resist a call of
" have a nice day" as she left
She wasn't my favourite bad tempered customer.
And Chris can verify this story as he was stood feet away from the exchange, which had to be seen to be believed ( he has actually left his first (AND LAST) comment on GOING GENTLY below!)
Very old lady in a blue mac. She walks firmly up to my " meet, greet and pay " table and plonks down a one pound coin.
I smile and say in my best Nanette Newman voice
" I' m sorry admission is £ 1.50 I'm afraid"
She starred at me long and hard
" I am not going to be very long" she muttered
I smiled again
" Admission is still £1.50, you can't just have a pound's worth of a look"
There was then a bit of a stand off.
The pressure was on
The queue was starting to form and she knew she had me at a slight disadvantage
She gave me another long stare
I thought I would play it hard ball
So I looked the old bat straight in the eye and said slowly
" ONE....POUND.....FIFTY.....PLEASE"
She then played her trump card
And I am not exaggerating when I say this,
For suddenly she started to make a noise I can only liken to Robert Newton's Pirate voice from the film TREASURE ISLAND
" arrrhhhhhhhh arrrhhhhhhh arhhhh" she croaked ( thank fuck she didn't add " Jimlad" ....) and I looked helplessly at Chris not knowing just what to do
It's not often you see an old lady giving a pirate impersonation....and a good one at that
" arrhhhh arrrhhhhh" she repeated gnashing her gums at me.....and I did what any self respecting Flower Show admission steward would do in that sort of situation
I waved her through the gate.
John O
Old pirate lady 1
You just dan't resist a charming, sweet old lady!
ReplyDeleteI mean can't, of course.
DeleteWhere's me glasses.........
You want to come up against these dear old ladies at a jumble sale. They have elbows Boudicca would be proud of. How do I know, obvious really... I sharpen mine before I go. Well shiver me timbers John lad!
ReplyDeleteLLX
P.S. I hope you palmed the pound?
I LOVE THE FINAL VIDEO
ReplyDeleteThe fat guy with the mad eyes cracks me up
I have been asked to verify the truth of this story, which I can. The only thing he missed was that her false teeth fitted none too well, so the oooohhhh and ahhhhss were interspersed with a high pitched whistling of air. Delightful.
ReplyDeleteHAHAHAHA! Brilliant!
ReplyDeleteThat old bag was my auntie!
ReplyDeleteOnly joking :-)
Hilarious!
ReplyDeleteWhy are pirates pirates? Because they aaarrrrrrrrrrr!
ReplyDeleteLove it all! "Former" vicarage gardens....what is it now then? You were robbed on the veg basket....probably belonged to the pirate! Nx
ReplyDeleteNis......!
DeleteJust writing your birthday card!
It's a private house now!
( the owners have chickens!)
I sell the programs for the village music festival which spans Thursday to Monday. Two pound fifty - not bad for a four day event but people still grumble, " I'm not staying long" is the usual excuse.
ReplyDeleteI reply,
" Well you are here now and this is your ticket "
If you wore your poncho you could have charged all the old biddies to have a peek underneath.
ReplyDeleteLove that idea!!!
DeleteWhen she refused to pay you should have forced her arm up her back and marched her away. You are too soft for your own good my lad!
ReplyDeleteP.S. Now I understand where the expression "going for a Burton" comes from!
'Old bag'? 'Old bat'? Didn't you used to be a geriatric nurse?!
ReplyDeleteMaybe if you'd asked her for 30 bob, she might have been more willing.
ReplyDeleteToo funny--Did she have nice shoes??
ReplyDeletei didn't figure you would be a guy to go belly up to an old biddie!
ReplyDeleteWIMP!
ReplyDeleteJane xx
Reading your post aloud to mr. Once again I'm starting my day laughing because of your brilliant.." Tales from Trelawnyd "!!
ReplyDeleteYou guys are tough. Here in the U.S. we give geriatric pirates a discount to all flower shows.
ReplyDeleteargh...
ReplyDeleteNot even a 'cheap shoes' comment for the first broad.
ReplyDeleteI must say for the pirate lady, I'd have to have told her No, not even an Edward Teach impersonation will get you in for less than the admission.
She's probably loaded too......the well to do keep their money by being 'careful'.....and I did expect a 'nice shoes' comment too!
ReplyDeleteI was too gobsmacked to comment
DeleteI ALWAYS enjoy my visits here. Yet again a great laugh to start my morning.
ReplyDeleteI once was so intimidated by an old lady screaming at me at a whist drive in church, I gave her 'my' prize, just to shut her up ;)
ReplyDeleteNo false teeth....just no teeth.
~Jo
You have the most interesting old biddies in your town! Since I'm a senior myself, I shouldn't laugh! But then I am of the gentler sort - I take advantage of my age with a smile and a wistful look!
ReplyDeleteNancy in Iowa
Use pirate speak
DeleteIt's easier
Hello John from your absent Alaskan friend! I just today checked on my blog. We are all well here, but blogging became just too much. All the dogs are well. Halle, now age 14, has her good and not-so-good days. But she is still eating, drinking her water and happy to be with us. I have borrowed a stroller now for walks. Her arthritis does not permit her walks of any length.
ReplyDeleteI have discovered that Facebook is a much easier forum for me. If you are also on Facebook you can keep up with our shenanigans, if not, there is always email. My Facebook name is: Ina Pizzolato Offret and always keep in touch via gmail at ijoffret@gmail.com
Hugs to you my friend. I would love to keep in touch with you. I will be shutting down the blog officially soon. xo
Sorry to see you go ina
DeleteXxx
I'm disappointed in you John. You had age, weight and osteoporosis on your side, you should have whooped her ass.....
ReplyDeleteShe had surprise on her side wanda x
DeleteThank you again! Now, I've got my day off to a great start. Fancying herself a dragon, my daughter lets out a "Rawr" from time to time, but it is her evil, creepy, "mwuahaha" little person laugh that gets me to do whatever she says. =D
ReplyDeleteWelcome aboard Yvonne
DeleteThose old bags will get you all the time. I bet she gets into a lot of places free with that act.
ReplyDeleteAnd rolling in dough no doubt
DeleteYou are weak John! You should have asked someone in line if they were willing to give the old witch the fifty!! If no one was generous, well then, so sorry you can't come in!
ReplyDeleteHangs head in shame
DeleteMan, I am fast turning into an old bat. It frightens me. I want to retain some semblance of decency.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Janie
Aye matey you right know she had ya on the plank lol
ReplyDeleteOn a different note ... I am impressed you know your chickens John. You are right that Roo in my post is barely 4 months old ...not grown into his comb yet.
"I'm so sorry you can't afford the full price. Please go in without paying and I'll be happy to pay your entrance fee myself" is the line for next time. She'll pay up.
ReplyDeleteUnless she sweeps through muttering "sucker," of course, in which case my apologies.
If the old bag had been a little mor3 polite ...I would have let her in for nothing
DeleteHee hee hee. Amazing what happens at flower shows.
ReplyDeleteHi John,
ReplyDeleteNeed to ask some things about rearing chickens but can't see how to message you. Is it possible at all?
Gary
DeleteEmail me on
jgsheffield@hotmail.com
Haha. Good you let her in, John. No telling what might have happened. ;)
ReplyDeleteHave a great week!
Seniors don't have a discount? SCANDALOUS!!
ReplyDeleteWell, being married to a descendant of pirates (and the middle grand daughter being ABSOLUTELY convinced that she is a pirate) a little bit of ARRR goes a long way in this family. In fact, Mr O is decorating the spare bedroom at the minute and has a plank ready for us to paper the ceiling tomorrow. The girls came round today, disappeared with granddad and came down, informing us that they had been walking the plank! This is what happens when you marry a mad descendant of Irish people. Wish I could have been on that gate, I could have out-ARRRD her without the whistling teeth!
ReplyDeleteYou seem to have some fantastically odd characters in your town.
ReplyDeleteThat's a clever idea, I hadn't thought of it before. The next time I'm asked for some exorbitant admission fee like £10, I'll just ask for a fiver's worth as "I won't be very long". But I won't bother with the pirate impression....
ReplyDeleteNext year they'll all be doing pirate impressions if they know it will get them cut price admission!!
ReplyDeletePlease, you need to start filming your daily life. Forget a book, I see a film and a darn good one too!
ReplyDeleteI am crying with laughter! I can just picture the scene!!!
ReplyDelete