If You Can't Say Something Nice ...don't say anything at all

Stans garden in spring

My mother used to use this statement a lot when I was a child. She' was referring to gossip in the main and how some people always remarked about someone else's negative points rather than their positives.
This was rich as my mother could be waspish as they come, but you sort of get the gist of where she was coming from.
One of the trophies in the flower show is in need of replacing . It's a cheap looking cup and so the committee were unanimous in the decision to change it and it seemed fitting that the cup was renamed as a dedication to someone who has supported the flower show so well over the years.
The name of Stan H was mentioned and agreed upon, as he always produced the most beautifully kept pensioner garden in the entire village and yesterday,, I had the opportunity of asking him if it was alright if we did so.
Typically Stan, who is in his nineties , was gardening when I asked him and at first, he slightly misunderstood what I was saying, thinking that I wanted him to purchase the cup for us.
When I explained that the committee was buying it and wanted to rename it as a mark of respect of what he had contributed to the show over the years, he grew silent and seemed greatly moved by the gesture.
He offered me his hand still in its gardening glove and we shook firmly.
" Thank You" he said quietly.

68 comments:

  1. My mother too quoted that phrase, though she didn't always abide to its dictum.
    Love the gesture to Stan. I am certain he was moved.

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  2. We have a lot to learn from people like Stan !
    I can hear my mum saying the same to us, she was not wrong.

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  3. Anonymous8:48 am

    Very sweet tale. I once, possibly inappropriately, wrote your mother's statement as a blog comment. Wasn't a good idea.

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  4. That really moved me. You've most likely made his year ... and made an elderly man very happy. I hope he's there next year to see it awarded for the first time.

    And I strongly agree with the saying, too many people jump in with both feet giving their opinions without a thought when the right thing to do would be to scroll by if online and keep schtum if in real life.

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    1. Great word.. schtum... if only people did!

      Jo in Auckland, NZ

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  5. Obviously a deserving person. I hope his family will be proud.

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  6. How very lovely to honour Stan in this way. Is there a cup or shield that honours Aunt Gladys in the same way?

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    1. Not yet but it will be on the cards YP

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    2. I wondered the same but it is lovely that you could honor Stan while he's around in mind, body and spirit to appreciate it.

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  7. Somebody said something nasty to me in the pub last night when they were drunk. I got home and thought about it, then worked out the obvious which was people say nasty things when they are actually worried, anxious or just generally unhappy about their own lives but are scared to admit it. They quite often drink too much when in this state, and that tends to make matters worse. The thing which snaps me out of this negative state is recognising that I am not the only one who is worried about the future, or unhappy about the present. Not many people are born nasty. It's the old 'kicking the cat' thing.

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    1. Nicely put. And saying something nice, positive and supportive when there is a need to rebounds on yourself so easily.
      It was a committee decision about Stan, and I had the benefit from it....I walked away from that encounter with a bounce in my step.

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    2. Agree with both of you and can't say it any better.

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    3. Hurt people, hurt people 😩

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    4. We need to remember ... kicking the cat is never a good choice (just ask Albert). Very well said.

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    5. Nicely put... I was mouthing something similar when I read it...

      Jo in Auckland, NZ

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  8. Beautiful. My mother never used that quote. And that’s all I’ll say.

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  9. pretty garden; I needed some color in my life this morning. a nice gesture on the flower show committee's part.

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  10. I am dead suspicious of people who say nothing unless they have something "nice" to say. Arselickers are made like that. Ulcers are grown that way.

    I think it important to distinguish between being frank and being spiteful. Frank, if taken in the right spirit, is useful. Spiteful? Well, spiteful is despicable. Though let no one tell me that ALL of us aren't capable of the latter. By way of example, LSF (longest standing friend) is frank to the ouch factor. In your face. Eyewateringly so. Mostly an eye opener. Helpful to see another perspective. Occasionally? Occasionally, I'd say it borders on spiteful or indeed is, ie a deliberate attempt at not so much undermining you as showing you who is top dog. I have given him the benefit of the doubt for decades now that he isn't actually aware of how stinging he can be as he is one of the kindest people, a stalwart in a crisis, I have ever known. The type of person who heaps nothing but scorn on you whilst holding out his hand to help you out of a shithole.

    I came across a Stan the other day. Gardening, John, gardening is where it's at if you want to live a long (and fruitful) life.

    U

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    1. The problem with some people is that they mistake being frank with being cruel .....it often happens with people who are rather bitter with their lot, I've always found

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    2. That is what I experienced ... when I was in my first few months of widowhood followed by my mothers sudden death , I was told that I wrapped myself in mourning ,
      and this was someone who was a "friend" for years .. whose own family had caused her grief of a different sort. It makes it hard to be a real friend to people .. you never really know .. and John, that is so very true, very bitter with their lot ..

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    3. I hear you, Notes from Abroad, but don't you think that if WE (forget the other person's shortcomings) consider ourselves a friend then we have to nurse the bitter through their bitterness?

      In my experience people throw in the towel too quickly, give up too quickly on friendship if it doesn't float their own boat at every corner. Something, and I feel for everyone at the receiving end of my friendship (not least those like good old John trying to rid themselves of me), I most certainly cannot be accused of. I never give up. On anyone. It amounts to a character fault.

      One thing that often baffles me when people complain about their friends: How many of us actually ask ourselves the question: How good a friend am I?

      U

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    4. U ... I spent years patting her back and pep talking because her son is a drug addict .. I gave up .. and a comment like that is rude from anyone, friend or stranger ..

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    5. Were you not her friend your answer would have been "That means then that you must wrap yourself in misery, as I understand misery loves company?" There, two wrongs won't make one right comes to mind. She was cruel and cruelty has no place in friendship. We were brought up to understand what friendship really is or should be when we were very young by people who fortunately practiced what they preached, telling us that friendship is like blood, coming to the wound without ever having to be called. We were to think carefully before reacting to an insult or a nasty comment. Words are like sharp blades that once we use will hurt us far longer than the one to whom we tell them to. I do believe that to be true, when that is the reaction gently and silently move away remembering that silence is the wisdom and gift of the wise.

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    6. Thank you A.Smith ... it was a good answer :)
      And she is no longer a friend ..

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  11. How many years until the Gray-Burton Cup joins the collection?

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    1. We have one cup in the show already The Wynyard Cup ! It was named after the street We lived on insheffield

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  12. What a meaningful thing do. I am positive you and the committee put a bounce in his step.

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  13. The quiet “thank you” and gloved hand shake said it all . . .

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  14. I think that if you have something nice to say, please do. It’s the small niceties that can lift up people and make a positive difference in their lives. What a lovely honor for Stan and I am sure it meant a great deal to him.

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  15. That phrase became popular in our house after we saw Bambi. I kind of abide by that - as I can get quite raucous if I have a bone to pick. It's better to keep my trap shut.

    How lovely for Stan, I'm sure he smiled every time he thought of it.

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  16. He sounds like a dear, sweet man. How nice that he is to be remembered in this way. I hope someday, there may be a cup to honour Auntie Glads contributions to the society and the village in general. That would be a lovely token of remembrance for her.

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  17. I think you got all of us with this tribute. Thank you for honoring him.

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  18. Its the small kind gestures that can really brighten a person's day. We need more of them in this cruel world.

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  19. What a lovely garden in your photo. Made me smile today.
    How wonderful that the new cup will be named for him. What a fabulous idea.
    I grew up with that phrase and try to follow it. Along with treat other as you would like to be treated.
    What I find interesting is now that some clever (?) people can "speak" on places as blogs or other sites. Snarky, nasty or just plain rude comments can be posted not just on their blog but other blogs and if you try to explain your point of view they and their friends will jumpy on you with glee.

    cheers, parsnip

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    1. Here in America, Im afraid its lost its way. Bad taste has taken over rather than polite public discourse. Plus the fact that when someone has to diminish someone else's being in order to feel special about themselves, it says a lot more about them then the person(s) they are hating on :( A civil world has no place for bigotry, racism or prejudice.

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    2. Oh how I miss polite discourse. You and I may have different views politically, but we should be able to talk about them. Now it is all screaming in your face, insulting remarks, slandering, lying...Politics has never been pretty, but how I hate it here now.

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    3. Dignity in an argument is a great strength, unfortunately it seems that he who shouts loudest wins

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  20. This is what we keep telling Trump, but he just won't listen.

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  21. Stan sounds a lovely guy x

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  22. That is beautiful - and a honor that Stan recognizes-
    immortal when we are honored that way...

    IMO as a middle aged woman, its really important to select who you keep company at this age. I have been trying to "clean house" as they say, but in a gentle manner. When you go through many hardships at once, the "friends" who are not nice tend to shine like a beacon to bitterness LOL I almost lost my way! I am back on track now, and wish I had more John Grays around...we shall make you immortal too, somehow, John Gray! ;)

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    1. I guess going gently makes me and everyone I know immortal in some small way

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  23. What a nice gesture! I'm sure he appreciates it.

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  24. It sounds like the committee chose the perfect person for the honor.

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    1. The next cup for cookery that is needed will be for auntie glad

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  25. My mother also used that saying frequently!

    Yet again, one of your posts has made me well up, not because it's a sad story but because it's touched me. You have a rare ability John, you write about emotions without being sentimental and I almost feel I know the villagers you describe. Thank you for lifting my spirits on an otherwise somewhat challenging day.

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    1. I thought it was rather a jolly story!

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  26. What a perfect tribute to Stan to name the cup after him, and I think he will often think of this honor. Nice you were there to tell him.

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  27. I really liked that story and I am not just saying that to be "nice" lol. Seriously it's touching.

    There's that joke, if you can't say something nice, you must be a lot of fun to talk to. I always think however, what does that person say when "I" walk away.

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    1. I can be as much as. Bitch as everyone else

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  28. My first thought was...'what a true gentleman' I was thinking of Stan but then i thought Stan and John are both 'true gentleman'

    Love a gardening story.

    Mardy🇨🇦

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    1. Thanks mardy... have you heard of the saying " mardy bum"
      ? It means someone who is bad tempered

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    2. Not familiar with that term. I am not usually bad tempered but have been known to give the 'stink eye'

      Mardy

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  29. What a lovely gesture John.

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  30. What a nice gesture. I love that a handshake still means so much.

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  31. Ah . . . a good-news story, much needed and appreciated.

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  32. What a lovely accolade to a village stalwart. I'm sure Stan is quietly proud and pleased as punch.

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  33. That was a lovely gesture on all your parts. Well done.

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  34. We have the same mother. Hi brother. My mum was mega critical and very waspish.

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  35. Millicent2:37 am

    Just wonderful. And an honor for Stan. It is good to have done this while he is still gardening.. We need more kindness while living. He know his efforts are appreciated.

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  36. You brought tears to my eyes, and it wasn't about dogs!! I hope that Stan is able to enjoy seeing " his cup" being presented for some years to come!

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  38. You made him happy. I so enjoy hearing simple touching tales like this.

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I love all comments Except abusive ones from arseholes