Saturday, 26 November 2016

Royal Arse



After sorting out the valve system on the radiators I was just getting all testosterone and full of myself when the council  bin men lorry pulled up outside the cottage and one of the hairy arsed bin men knocked loudly on the front door .
I was half expecting them to be in a pissy mood after all I had left half a ton of plumber's packaging and bin bags out for collection but the binman wasn't bothered about the rubbish, he was more upset than anything
" One of your birds has smashed into our van" he told me
Apparently they had just turned the corner at the bottom of the lane when " a soddin massive black bird" had appeared from nowhere and had bounced on the roof of their refuse lorry, just above the windscreen.
The bird then " shat" down the windscreen ( probably in shock) then bounced into the hedge.
" It's still alive" the binman told me " it was hissing at us"
" It's probably Camilla Parker Bowles "I told him " She's a crap flyer"
The binman looked confused.

I could have done without another little drama. I was still getting used to the heating system more complicated than the average ITU ventilator and had already fixed a leaking radiator single handed a few minutes before, so with slightly heavy and irritated heart I followed the binman down the lane to where his three colleagues were peering into the hedge.
" It's in there" one man chirped up pointing to a goose sized hole in the hedge
I looked in and sure enough Camilla looked back at me with her big black solemn eyes.
As I reached in and picked her up, the binman who had knocked on the door turned to his friends and said" her name is Camilla Parker Bowles !" They all nodded with interest in a chorus of " ooos and arrhhhs"

Apart from a massive crap stain on her back end , Camilla looked shocked but unhurt. So I thanked the binmen and apologied for any damage caused.
" It will have to be logged " , the senior binman said " she's dented the roof"  but they were soon on their way and Camilla was soon sat in a dark calm goose house under observation"

I wonder what the binmen would log in their incident file?
"Camilla Parker Bowles crash landed on our bin lorry today and she shat all over the windscreen "
Dirty girl.......

71 comments:

  1. Great story to start off on a Saturday morning. Thanks John!

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    1. Hari ini saya ingin mengunkapkan tentang perjalanan hidup saya,karna masalah ekonomi saya selalu dililit hutang bahkan perusahaan yang dulunya saya pernah bagun kini semuanya akan disitah oleh pihak bank,saya sudah berusaha kesana kemari untuk mencari uang agar perusahaan saya tidak jadi disitah oleh pihak bank dan akhirnya saya nekat untuk mendatangi paranormal yang terkenal bahkan saya pernah mengikuti penggandaan uang dimaskanjeng dan itupun juga tidak ada hasil yang memuaskan dan saya hampir putus asa,,akhirnya ketidak segajaan saya mendengar cerita orang orang bahwa ada paranormal yang terkenal bisa mengeluarkan uang ghaib atau sejenisnya pesugihan putih yang namanya Mbah Rawa Gumpala,,,akhirnya saya mencoba menhubungi beliau dan alhamdulillah dengan senan hati beliau mau membantu saya untuk mengeluarkan pesugihan uang ghaibnya sebesar 10 M saya sangat bersyukur dan berterimakasih banyak kepada Mbah Rawa Gumpala berkat bantuannya semua masalah saya bisa teratasi dan semua hutang2 saya juga sudah pada lunas semua,,bagi anda yang ingin seperti saya dan ingin dibabtu sama Mbah silahkan hubungi 085 316 106 111 saya sengaja menulis pesan ini dan mempostin di semua tempat agar anda semua tau kalau ada paranormal yang bisah dipercaya dan bisa diandalkan,bagi teman teman yang menemukan situs ini tolong disebar luaskan agar orang orang juga bisa tau klau ada dukun sakti yg bisa membantuh mengatasi semua masalah anda1.untuk lebih lengkapnya buka saja blok Mbah karna didalam bloknya semuanya sudah dijelaskan PESUGIHAN DANA GHAIB TANPA TUMBAL

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  2. Never a dull moment around your place.

    Has Camilla had other such impactful moments?

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    1. Numerous over the years frances. She once crash landed on the other side of the village and had to be carried home. She has also injured herself catching the telephone wires which cross her field

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  3. Poor Camilla! I hope she is ok! Still couldn't help LOL!

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  4. Poor girl...I hope she's all right.

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  5. I shouldn't laugh - after all CPB got hurt - but I am laughing fit to burst :) Thanks for sharing xx

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  6. Having that image in my head, how am I ever going to get rid of it? (The image, I mean, I often lose my head). Thanks so much for the giggle

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  7. You must find a mate for her and call him Chuck Windsor or something.

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  8. One can only hope they will enter it in the log like that. Smashing... so to speak.

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  9. I just laughed out loud reading that! I think it's the first time since the election!
    Hope she is okay, and you sure do have a exciting life there in Wales.

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    1. Do I ? The last 30 hours have been a real yawn

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  10. bwhahahahahaha! a brief respite from house chores here (yeah, cause I'm so butch). oh well, back to disco music (for motivation) and chores...

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  11. If I can't say anything nice, I shouldn't say anything at all! Great name! So funny, John.

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    1. She was named by a girl in the village when she was but a gosling

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  12. I just choked on my 3 o clock chocolate biscuit. I recovered thank goodness Camilla did too. Bet she didnt laugh tho!

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  13. I wish cameras could follow you around for a week and film your adventures, it would make for "must see TV".

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    1. You would have been bored titless with most of my week believe me

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  14. Love your stories . . .
    Great story teller . . .
    Would love to hear the binman's logged tale . . .

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  15. Canada Geese are rather "shitty" creatures, here in their homeland. University campuses have ongoing wars with flocks of Canada Geese. My daughter's residence window was hit with a huge goose smear. I couldn't even figure out how the goose had to be flying in order to accomplish it! I hope Camilla recovers quickly. -Jenn

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  16. That made me laugh out loud!! Hope she's ok

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  17. Poor Camilla. At least the man had the decency to let you know. What a funny old life you live John.

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    1. If I didn't own animals it would be exceedingly mundane believe me

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  18. I felt guilty laughing at this as I hate seeing animals in pain, but the incident itself is quite funny. I am sure the entry in their file will cause a stir of some sort.

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  19. I hope she is really okay. She had to land pretty hard to make a dent and mess her bottom. I imagine she was quite surprised!

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    1. I never really understand it as physically Camilla can fly....she just never quite got the hang of it

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    2. Perhaps she, too, has dyspraxia. Not joking.

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    3. Like most of us dear. Personally 6 inches off the floor, and I am totally discombobulated (Or I would be if I could dpell it)

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  20. I'm glad she's ok...but this did make me laugh out loud at work!! I second the notion of must see TV...your life is hilarious! Or a book...or maybe...a calendar featuring a different animal each month with a story... you can do them on Shutterfly..come on, John...would be a sell out at the annual Flower show for sure!! (I'd definitely buy some as presents)

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    1. Fuck all of interest has happened to me save one embarrassingly large supermarket bowel movement

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    2. It's in the telling of the story! I made my sister subscribe to your blog after yesterday's post...waiting on her reaction! She needs a few laughs

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  21. Years later they will find that log book and wonder...

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  22. Are we all funny with our expectations that then get tossed upside down. I was laughing. Happy to know she is fine.
    Very nice of them to know it was your CPB and then alert you.
    I would love to be there when the boss read the report.

    cheers, parsnip

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  23. You can't make this stuff up, folks. Priceless!

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  24. This story will become a legend.

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  25. Sorry, I laughed out loud too, but glad CPB is unhurt. Let's hope the press don't get wind of this - they'll be parked outside your gate......

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  26. But did her hat fall off? Come on, the nation should be told!

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  27. Poor girl! I hope she is none the worse for wear!

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  28. She is a beauty!
    Greetings Maria x

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  29. I can imagine the binmens conversation as they left but I had better keep to myself I suppose.

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    1. Fat old poof etc etc

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    2. The queers at the cottage ....

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  30. One tough old bird (won't say to which one I am referring

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  31. We can always rely on you for arse, shite or fanny cloth stories John.

    I would have sh it down the windscreen if a big goose had hit my car. Poor Camilla.

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    1. I am at work all day tomorrow so the prof will be on goose watch

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  32. I am pretty certain that Camilla's name sake would approve. And hope your Camilla is ok.

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  33. Oh dear, poor Camilla. I hope she makes a full recovery.

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  34. I've not smiled this hard in ages! Wishing Camilla (the pretty one) a speedy recovery!

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  35. Great story. Will have given the bin men something to talk about - probably brightened their day. Hope Camilla is recovering.

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  36. One day nothing will happen in your life and you will have nothing to write about.

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  37. Oh when will I learn not to read this when drinking tea? So dangerous. Have sat watching Strictly and sniggering to myself whilst tea flew over the cat who gave me a dirty look. Hope CPB is OK.

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  38. Poor CPB, her dignity will have been dented. Hope she suffers no after effects.

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  39. The report will continue... "then a Prince Charles lookalike pulled her out of the hedge and goosed her in a dark shed as we sped back to the depot in Rhyl"

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  40. Ha ha, good one. Thanks for the laugh.

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  41. Love your selfie with goose, I know those can be tricky... Glad she was okay.

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  42. She could well up being Queen of England soon enough. Though I hear they are going to call her princess-consort instead.

    I'd rather see Kate Middleton up there.

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  43. Put in a claim, on her behalf, for 'Whiplash'.

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  44. They are right you lead an exciting life. Your animals need a sitcom of their own. They are sooo funny. I get impression the Prof is the straightman?

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  45. By the time this stroy gets told round all the pubs it'll be giant eagle escaped from the mountain zoo at Colwyn Bay. The binmen will be plied with ale for weeks to come for the telling of it.

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  46. Hysterical log in the municipal log, for sure. Thanks for brightening my day. I hope CPB is not too hurt.

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  47. I believe CPB can hold her own!

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  48. I do hope they log it that way, it will make the day of the dear soul who has to read the log someday. I hope she is well.

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  49. This is a Perfectly Perfect story .. I will probably grin like an idiot now, every time I see a goose.
    I am so very happy that Camilla is bruised but not seriously damaged.

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  50. Not just whiplash, but PTSS

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  51. Hi, have you discovered bad lip reading on Youtube? There are some hysterical clips of The Walking Dead, I have spent/wasted a few hours today crying with laughter.

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  52. Delicious. She'll be tenderised for Christmas<

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  53. Poor Camilla! I hope she isn't hurt and has recovered completely!

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  54. Absolutely brilliant.

    Could you clip her wings to stop her taking off in the first place. She seems to spend most of her life walking anyway.

    Hope she's okay now :-)

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  55. Yes, that will be the next viral news headline!

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  56. Oh, gosh! You made me laugh so hard! Thank you.

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