Friday, 25 November 2016

Oh Brenda

With the cottage full of workmen, I spent yesterday out and about.
After a trip to the animal feed shop, pet store , B&Q and walk on the beach . I called into the local supermarket to ." Go to the loo" 
I don't know about you, but I do so hate public toilets, and so, if at all possible I will always seek out the disabled loo in which I can have a sneaky number two in total privacy.
I know I shouldn't  but there you have it.
I'm a bad person.
Anyhow you will be glad to know that I got my comeuppance yesterday, as after a somewhat large " movement"  the door handle rattled loudly and I heard a woman's voice trill "There's someone in here Brenda"
I got up, flushed the loo and washed my hands, and as I glanced around , I noticed with horror as the toilet bowl filled with water and almost overflowed onto the floor.
The previous " user" had effectively blocked the U bend with what looked like a mixture of things both human and paper in nature.
In panic I tried to unblock the " bung" with the loo brush but that just made matters worse, then came the knock on the door
" Excuse me , but will you be much longer ?" The woman's voice came again and very very reluctantly I opened the door.
Two women , both pushing those triangular walkers on wheels were waiting outside
" The loo is blocked" I told her, my face burning red " I will go and report it, don't go in it''s not very nice" and I marched off , ostensibly in search of a supervisor.
The first woman pushed her trolley past me , and as I darted for the exit all I heard was a rather shocked
" Oh no......Brenda !!!!!"

The shame of it all.........

44 comments:

  1. This post has everything - probably your best yet.

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    1. I totally agree with Tom here. This one gets a gold star. I do wonder how it qualifies as a sneaky number two now that the whole world knows about it? Ha!

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    2. He is obsessed with baring his arse in public. I am almost getting used to it now. The lengths some people will go to to grab attention.

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    3. Dying here laughing so hard Tom Stephenson!

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    4. A classic in blog-world.

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    5. Hari ini saya ingin mengunkapkan tentang perjalanan hidup saya,karna masalah ekonomi saya selalu dililit hutang bahkan perusahaan yang dulunya saya pernah bagun kini semuanya akan disitah oleh pihak bank,saya sudah berusaha kesana kemari untuk mencari uang agar perusahaan saya tidak jadi disitah oleh pihak bank dan akhirnya saya nekat untuk mendatangi paranormal yang terkenal bahkan saya pernah mengikuti penggandaan uang dimaskanjeng dan itupun juga tidak ada hasil yang memuaskan dan saya hampir putus asa,,akhirnya ketidak segajaan saya mendengar cerita orang orang bahwa ada paranormal yang terkenal bisa mengeluarkan uang ghaib atau sejenisnya pesugihan putih yang namanya Mbah Rawa Gumpala,,,akhirnya saya mencoba menhubungi beliau dan alhamdulillah dengan senan hati beliau mau membantu saya untuk mengeluarkan pesugihan uang ghaibnya sebesar 10 M saya sangat bersyukur dan berterimakasih banyak kepada Mbah Rawa Gumpala berkat bantuannya semua masalah saya bisa teratasi dan semua hutang2 saya juga sudah pada lunas semua,,bagi anda yang ingin seperti saya dan ingin dibabtu sama Mbah silahkan hubungi 085 316 106 111 saya sengaja menulis pesan ini dan mempostin di semua tempat agar anda semua tau kalau ada paranormal yang bisah dipercaya dan bisa diandalkan,bagi teman teman yang menemukan situs ini tolong disebar luaskan agar orang orang juga bisa tau klau ada dukun sakti yg bisa membantuh mengatasi semua masalah anda1.untuk lebih lengkapnya buka saja blok Mbah karna didalam bloknya semuanya sudah dijelaskan PESUGIHAN DANA GHAIB TANPA TUMBAL

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  2. I just wrote a post that disappeared! Oh well! John, next time you use a public toilet take with you a pen, paper and some blu-tac. If the toilet happens to have an unfortunate blockage you can stick an authoritative 'out of order' sign on the door without having to explain to a waiting 'Brenda'!

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  3. Number two in a public lavatory? The very thought of it...surely best kept for confines of one's own bathroom. Perhaps you need to think about adult nappies.

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  4. Disabled parking spaces are for disabled drivers and disabled toilets are for disabled people. As those irritating meerkats say, "Simples!"

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  5. I hope they were wearing their incontinence panties!

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  6. JOAN AGAIN! As a user of disabled loos. I really love you for your honesty. For me Lad you rock [ Sues Mum from our new life etc...]

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  7. This made my day John. My mother's name is Brenda, and she uses a walker. Hope it wasn't her !

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  8. Karma was bound to get you in the end!

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  9. I have to sit and consider this .. it has so many elements of shame, nervousness, worry and discomfort.
    And I am trying not to laugh.

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  10. Oh, the horror of being human sometimes.

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  11. And have you ever read this story? I think you would like it.
    http://www.esquire.com/entertainment/a129/sedaris-big-boy-1199/

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  12. In the very olden days I exhibited at craft shows in malls. One morning before the mall opened it seemed a lot of we exhibitors had tidied our boots and headed to the the restroom for that last call before showtime. Another person came in, sized up the state of all the stalls and shouted "Oh, yes, let's all go the the mall and take a shit." It must have been a civilian; no other artist would have been so rude.

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  13. I have a horror of public toilets too John - would you believe that in spite of going to Beijing several times (usually refuelling at Sharjah) I never went to the airplane loo - just sat with my legs crossed! Scared of getting locked in basically and thus making a fuss.

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  14. Toilet humour. You can't beat it. Ben Elton would be proud!

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  15. your fecal feats never cease to amaze!

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  16. "I'm a bad person"...: I don't agree, John :-)!

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  17. For all they knew it looked like that when you went in and you were heroically trying to fix it for the next person who needed it. Think positive.

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  18. Why were you usig the ladies bathroom? One of my biggest fears is having a toilet overflow, especially when not at home. So far it hasn't happened but the anxiety remains.

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    1. It was a disabled unisex toilet!

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  19. At least you admit to your strange ways ;-)

    If you had just used the Gents, the disabled loos would have been available to disabled folks ... and you wouldn't have added to the blockage!!

    Slapped wrists!!

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  20. To me using a disabled loo is not he same as parking in a disabled space. I have been toilets with a queue and there is no one in the disabled cubicle because no one in the queue is disabled.....barking!

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  21. I am thousands of miles away, laughing hysterically about a man's adventures in pooping. God I love your blog.

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  22. I also try not to use public loos but I do have to use the disabled. My walker usually can not fit in regular sized stalls.
    I always flush first just to make sure it is working. yuck yuck yuck!

    Also have to use the disabled parking. To tell you I am more upset by the able-bodied using that parking space. I have to open my car door wide so I can lift and swing my legs out, while not trying to dent the other car. If I an driving my car I need to open the door wide to get my walker out of the back seat. If I am driving my son's car I can use the trunk so it is easier.
    Going anywhere is such a huge deal for me (oh boo hoo ho poor me gag me lala la la ) but truly I am so lucky son is a big help.

    cheers, parsnip

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  23. As they say, shit happens. :)

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  24. We've been having a similar thing going on over here. There must be something in the air?

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  25. Quite a bit of over-sharing there, John. I'm cringing and laughing at the same time - very funny. x

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  26. And have you learned your lesson? The able-bodied have alternatives; the disabled don't! The Golden Rule and all ... but thanks for sharing, because for every embarrassment you write about, there are probably at least a dozen of us who've done something as bad or worse. I think that's one of the secrets to your popularity - you make us feel not so alone or so ... so ... what's the word I'm looking for? :)

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  27. Just spat tea over my Hudl. Please could you do a humour warning so I can spit elsewhere?. Let's face it we've all done a sneaky use of disabled loo. You got caught.

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  28. Today we got back from a day at a local art gallery to find the cat had decided the bathroom floor was more conducive to her (multiple) toilet needs than the litter tray - a whole load of disinfectant and loo roll later I flushed and then watched in dismay as it rose and rose and...... thankfully did not overflow. My thoughts are with you. :-)

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  29. Not pleasant having a botty blast in a public lav, but I'm sure the shame will pass.

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  30. John next time you use a disabled toilet I suggest exiting with a pronounced limp.

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    1. Omg sometimes I do!

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    2. you could get one of those fold up walking sticks just for this purpose and keep it in your car! lol

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  31. Goodness John, I am indeed grateful to hear that I'm not the only one having massacred the public loo. This story was hilarious!!And my worse moments have been walking out after such a disaster finding some young, attractive man slipping in directly after me. Absolutely worse, however, when the electric doors in the trainloo failed and slid up, exposing my humble self to the crowd outside...

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  32. BwaHahahhahah !! Glad I had finished my breakfast before I read this. This could only happen to you. !!

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  33. Like I have said . . .
    Best storyteller ever . . .
    And one of my fears . . .
    I might block a toliet . . . IN PUBLIC . .

    Reminds me of the time I walked out with toliet paper hanging from my back side . . . Oh my, oh my . . ,

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