Wednesday, 9 November 2016

Iago was right


It's a miserable morning on either side of the Atlantic today.
I won't bother discussing the new leader of the free world
The whole thing beggars belief.
But , hey...I don't live in America....

Today's Going Gently is about jealousy.
Jealousy in a relationship.

Occasionally I meet a friend in the village for lunch.
She makes homemade bread, or soup, or cake and I bring an hour of silliness  .
It's a good deal all round.
I have noticed, however, that every time we are sat at the kitchen table, the phone will go and her husband will there catching up with a snippet of news or a job that needs sorting.
Recently I casually asked if he was bothered that I occasionally popped in for a chat and my friend replied " oh no, he always rings me during the day"
Something in what she said and how she said it triggered a tiny alarm bell in my mind.
" Is he jealous? " I asked her
The grenade had its effect and the words tumbled out
Apparently her husband had always been jealous. He often sulked for days if my friend went out on an evening with friends, so much so that she no longer leaves the home without her husband on her arm. Male colleagues were often viewed with suspicion and bad mouthed constantly and often when my friend  was out working she felt obliged to call her husband to " check in" so to speak.
This all had been going on for many years.

I leaned my elbows on the kitchen table and uncharacteristically for me , I said very little  as my friend's conversation ran down like a clock. I think this was the first time she had shared this information .

" I know....you make the life you live " she said finally
And I nodded taking a final sip of my coffee

67 comments:

  1. Oh dear. There's much we don't know that happens behind closed doors. Maybe this was the first step in making a change. -Jenn

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    1. Saying it out loud is s vital first step?

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    2. It can be.

      Sometimes hearing the words coming out of your mouth instead of rattling around in your own head is a very important and suddenly clarifying first step.

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  2. I have an acquaintance in a relationship like that. It seems like such a terrible weight (and possible threat) to live under.

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    1. To me it sounds tiring

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  3. Yeah, I grew up in a house like that. Does he give her an allowance too? This situation is a little too borderline domestic violence for me. Hope she is okay.

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    1. not borderline, just abuse

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    2. I think sofifi....it's one aspect of a happy marriage from what I can see, but an aspect that should have been addressed years ago

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  4. Her words are true .... but occasionally we have to step out of that life for our sanity .... or safety.

    She should try making baby steps to loosen the 'loving' cords that he is binding her with.

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  5. Thank you for really hearing her, asking the right questions, listening to the answer.

    Somebody did that for me once and I am overwhelmingly grateful to this day

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  6. Woah! I'd be very tempted to do something to make him jealous. What a tool!

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  7. My cousins partner was controlling. It spiraled out of control, to the point where he called her constantly checking up. It came to a head and he beat her up in front of their toddler, breaking her cheek bone and eye socket... She was very lucky and a neighbor heard what was going on and stepped in. Your friend should be very worried if he starts to get worse.

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    1. I wonder how much insight he has,he may just need some talking therapy to explore why he's doing it

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  8. I can't & won't judge her for her choices. I was in her shoes for 12hrs (1st marriage), and it was brutally emotional when I finally left - but the FREEDOM was exhilarating. You were a good friend to see beyond the facade, to ask the right questions & really hear her.

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    1. I think you must mean 12yrs, indigo.

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    2. Like most issues, things can surface in subtle ways at first....almost unnoticed amid the ups and downs of life

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    3. Thanks, Rhymeswithplague - I did mean 12 years.

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  9. That's too bad. Hopefully she will have enough of that and walk away. The mind games involved with jealousy hurt as bad as a beating.

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  10. Thank you for being there for her and listening, John. I don't have a jealous spouse fortunately. But then at our age, we seem to be together 24/7. In recent months Grant hasn't been well and I've become the unofficial carer. xx

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  11. How sad for her. Lovely that she has a friend like you but to have a spouse so insecure and controlling is horrible. I had one of those , for a couple of months .. I learned the hard way .. get out while you can. Much much better is waiting out there for you/her.

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  12. I lived under the cloud of jealousy and controlling behaviour for 16 years. I finally walked out of it, it took a lot of courage and determination that I did not know I had. He divorced me within two to three months and remarried. He did the same with his second wife and without children involved she could walk out more easily. He rang me once after years apart and asked if he could see me behind our partners backs! I said no, I did feel very sorry for him at times but the feeling of being released from the cage was mind blowing. Anyone in any doubt please just do it and become a person in your own right again. Love Andie xxx

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    1. I have been there too. The feeling of release is exactly as you say... mind blowing...

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  13. That doesn't sound good. We never know what is truly going on in someone else's life.

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  14. Sounds like she's adjusted/adapted to it...still.....

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    1. There is still room for improvement ...

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  15. My first husband was just like that. He would sulk for days if I had a night out with friends. He once locked me in the house and told me that I would have to climb out the window...... I was going to church. He had seen me walk back from church the previous week with the young minister who was lodging with a neighbour. I could tell you a hundred stories of his jealousy.... I escaped to the womens refuge in the end.

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  16. If I were her, not and never will, I would remain grateful for your hour of silliness. An hour to switch off bar interruptions of course. Aaaargh.

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  17. Regarding Cherie K's comments. I was accused of going with men in their cars whilst my three children were with me. That was one of the more ridiculous accusations. Some of the others were so hurtful and violent (in every way). Make no mistakes, jealousy is self love mixed up with poor confidence. It is the controlling mind games that these people play and the convoluted suspicions that form. Dear Cherie, I am so glad you are out of it, well done. Anyone out there thinking about it, well, it will never get any better and it might get worse. Love Andie xxx

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    1. It took me a long time to leave. oh but how glad I was when I did. It was humiliating though as the police came and took me to the refuge... I bet my neighbours thought I had been arrested

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  18. The result in America is called democracy. Have you forgotten what that is. Thank God Clinton didn't win.

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    1. I guess Treey is right....the power of the vote is evident....I do think however, that Trump has been somewhat manipulative of the dispossessed and the fearful .....and he is seen to be homophobic, racist , masogonistic and in one unbelievable moment , mocking of a disabled voter!
      He may be what most of America wants but let's be clear..he is no statesman

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    2. This post was about jealousy not Trump btw

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    3. It won't make me feel bad if you delete those posts John, the ones that were obviously posted in the wrong place and they will be so glad you removed them so they won't be embarrassed.

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    4. The Majority of us in the US are extremely happy and relieved that now the New World Order may be less likely, the Fema camps may remain empty, the population may not be culled as rapidly as planned. That is our hope for the future for all.

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    5. John raised the topic of the US election in his opening paragraph, and left no doubt as to what his opinion was. As they say in the justice system, he opened the door.

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    6. Don't worry John, a lot of Americans are really rattled today. But understand, our country is sorely divided and will most likely stay that way. There will be no healing, no groups coming together. Some of our citizens voted in a person so heinous and so unprepared for their various reasons, I don't want to go into them here, at the expense of everyone's else's safety. I have said it before, all Empire's have to fall, I feel like our time has come.

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  19. my ex was a controlling paranoid asswipe. after 6 years I had enough and left.

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  20. I think most males are more common to be paranoid than women. But there is a line where you go from being reasonable to crossing the line.

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  21. This is not an otherwise happy marriage, she has had her spirit broken. Thank goodness your intuition opened a crack in the wall. Please keep up the gentle probing John, it is very embarrassing and humiliating to admit these things but I expect you will eventually see the fear and despair. I'm so glad she has you.

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  22. It is a black, heartbreaking day in America. I did not foresee this at all.
    I'm sorry for your friend. I'm glad she has you to confide in.

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  23. The strangest thing: yesterday I was out with a friend and she told me of another friend whose husband was in a care home, far gone with Alzheimer’s and almost totally oblivious of her existence. This friend of a friend visits him daily, driving 20 minutes there and back, and spending the whole day with him.

    During their marriage he was abusive and insanely jealous. Yet she goes on her daily pilgrimage.

    Warn your friend not to end up like this lady, even bad habits don’t always die.

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  24. I am so sorry for your friend. And glad she could (finally) talk about it. Your sometimes silliness is a bleasing.

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  25. A good job you were there to witness her husband's behaviour and ask the question. Talking something through can sometimes create a realisation that things are not what they should be. She might try and do something about it, one hopes.

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  26. How hard for her. I just could not make a life for myself without trust.

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  27. My dear John, what is so awful is that "control" (let's forget about jealousy for a moment though, of course, it's how "control" often does manifest itself) takes a hold before you know it.

    You have known me long enough to know that I am not exactly a pushover nor a doormat. Yet, "control" will creep up on you, insidiously, almost unnoticed. Emphasis on "almost".

    One of my favourite films (black and white), depicting the chilling effect of "gas lighting". Those "marvellous" moments when you wonder whether you are still ticking alright.

    U

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    1. Insidious is the word du jour

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  28. My sister-in-law's husband was insanely jealous and possessive. He wouldn't even allow her to work more than a couple of afternoons a week and sometimes turned up at her workplace to check that all was in order and she wasn't consorting with other men. He also tried to control her clothing choices. He died at the age of forty nine and in a way she was then freed.

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  29. My violent, alcoholic ex was jealous - though God knows what of as I didn't have the energy to even look at another man. Eventually he admitted he suspected I was meeting a lover every Saturday while out grocery shopping because "you take too long to do the shopping"! And get this, I started speeding up until I thought "what the f..... - the problem is his not mine"! Next time he accused me I told him yeah I was screwing the fishmonger - that way he wouldn't notice the smell! That got me another beating but it was almost worth it. One time, for the first time ever, I was going to England to visit my elderly mom (in her 90s) on my own, without my kids. I had put my suitcase on the bed to pack and when I moved my pillow I found a packet of condoms under there. We didn't use condoms so he must have gone out specially and bought them. Later that night, the idiot had started a fire in our fireplace using gasoline from the lawnmower. It had spilled over the floor and he was passed out drunk on the sofa. Well there was no way I was leaving my kids in that situation so I just didn't go to England. Someone had to be sure to get up in the middle of the night to make sure asswipe wasn't about to burn the house down. Like others have mentioned, there are so many other examples but those are the ones that spring to mind - oh and BTW, he was the one screwing his ho down at the OK Coral! Projection much! I have to admit that other than my kids, my divorce was the best thing that ever happened to me! Wish I had never met his sorry ass though - although he's someone else's problem now. Anna

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    1. A powerful story.......I know it's all about degrees .......but this was a doozie. Glad you survived the relationship x

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  30. That kind of jealousy is a leading indicator of other, worse, issues.

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  31. Jealousy is a sign of insecurity. We all crave security in some way.

    We are shocked and surprised by the election. I can complain and cuss about it, but he will be President for four years anyway. I am thinking of ways I can cope and stand tall. I'll start working on a blog post for a few days from now.

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    1. Perhaps he will grow. Into the role?

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  32. It may be democracy but I still want to cry.
    Of all my faults jealousy is not one of them. Our neighbor used to come over to talk about her husband, a long haul truck driver. I was at work and did not care.

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  33. Oh, I am sad for your friend. No one should have to live with a jealous boor. I hope you continue your lunches with her. I'm sure it is a bright spot in her life.

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  34. Odd isn't. it. Hubby and I swap texts and emails back and forth most days, and photos of what we are up to at times too, but neither of us is the slightest bit jealous. We just like having the chance to keep in touch during the day that technology is allowing us. I wonder what it was about her body language or speech that let you realise there was more going on? I was in an abusive relationship for a few years way back in my youth. Luckily I had the good sense and ability to leave the first time he escalated it to physical violence, but by then the emotional and mental abuse was rife. Getting rid of your friends and family by never liking them and being grumpy when they visit or when you go out with them should be enough of a warning to any person. It is always the first step of abuse, to isolate you ready for what will follow.

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  35. Oh dear . . .
    Not sure if I could live that way . . .
    How sad.

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  36. My comment doesn't seem to be here ... I feel sad for the woman who has stopped seeing friends because of a jealous husband. I hate controlling people; I had controlling friends who control me no longer & I do not miss them at all.

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  37. I don't understand jealousy, it's such a destructive and vicious emotion. My father was a jealous man who was endlessly suspicious of my mother's whereabouts, who she was with and what she was doing. He suspected her of totally imaginary lesbian relationships and hated her having any close friendships.

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    1. My ex had reached the stage where if a woman spoke to me he would accuse her of fancying me... he had run out of men to accuse. I didn't dare make eye contact with anyone in case they spoke to me.. I would then suffer the sulks for days as he was convinced that they (total stranger of either sex) fancied me. I am ashamed of how weak and pathetic I must have been to put up with it for as long as I did. I am actually a very strong and confident person now... thank God.

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  38. Hope he doesn't read your blog

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