Thursday, 29 September 2016

Sisters


In the village we have perhaps thirty or so social housing bungalows.
Most are occupied by older people who have lived in the local area for most of their lives.
Two bungalows are occupied by two sisters, both in their late seventies. If you crane your head from ones front door you can almost see the other.
Neither sister is on speaking terms with the other.
I noticed this when I spied that one sister drove  past the other who was standing at the bus stop one day. There was not so much as a flicker of acknowledgement from either.
Their coldness intrigued me.
I have spoken to both, in passing.
One is warm and generous and rather sweet natured socially the other slightly prickly, bitter and sour.
And apart from being physically very similar the two women could be more different.

I am lucky, I have never fallen out with any family member on a scale remotely similar to these two sisters. I could not envisage it,but I know it happens...look at Olivia de Havilland and Joan Fontaine,
They seldom spoke for 70 years.



94 comments:

  1. With any relationship, it should be either all embracing, or not at all. Anything in the middle would be tedious compromise. Well done those sisters!

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    1. An interesting take cro.....not sure if i agree but interesting

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  2. How sad and what a loss to hold a grudge for so long. The fact that they live so close to each other makes me think that one did that to annoy the other.

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    1. Apparantly its been a life long problem

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  3. I am trying to hide my disappointment in my sister's behaviour and trying to manage a bad situation between my partner and my sister and her partner to ensure our family is never broken up. It is not easy but I will do whatever I have to to avoid any sort of family separation.

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    1. It often has to be the work of one side to sort things out, to make the first move, to bite the top lip

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  4. who knows what the reason is but odd that they still live next door to each other. my father-in-law disowned my husband and didn't speak to him til the day he died, about 18 years.

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  5. I was watching Olivia on Tuesday evening.

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    1. Dont tell me..........gonewith the wind?

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    2. That's strictly winter viewing. Actually it was Hush Hush Sweet Charlotte - much better than I remembered.

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    3. She 's fabulous in it,...that face can got incredibly " hard" when she wants it to

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    4. I really had forgotten just how good she was in it. Been having a bit of a De Havilland retrospective recently. Even The Snake Pit!

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  6. My middle sister fell out with our mother over who-knows-what - they didn't speak for over 10yrs. Then one day she (sister) was there and laughing like nothing ever happened. Go figure.

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    1. Did you ask her? I would have

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    2. Yes, I did ask. The falling out was over money. But the story is different from each of them.

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  7. I fell out with my brother for a while, a lot of years ago. We aren't close so it took a long time before he even realised.
    Looking back, I was justifiably hurt but I handled it poorly. I suspect thats often how these things happen

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    1. Yes, slights perhaps amplifiy childhood fall outs and spats and envy...then get out of control

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  8. Blogger is playing up so that i cannot reply individually? Whats happened anyone know?

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  9. my sister and I are total opposites; we leave each other alone. I like it that way.

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  10. I have a brother I'd just as soon not speak to for the rest of our lives. I never thought I'd say that but it's true. Not really any one's fault. Our coping methods, growing up in the horror of a home we grew up in just clash horribly.

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    1. The first thought is that abused children would be close.....not always the case

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  11. I can't imagine . . . yet sitting next to a gal last evening at a movie she spoke of this very thing. I passed this post of yours on to her . . .

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  12. When I was younger I would of said of what a shame....now though I think you can be better off without some people in your life, even family. Who can imagine how unhappy they may make each other feel, each for different reasons and how much more happier they are with the distance. Life isnt always sweet and rosy.

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    1. I agree if that relationship is toxic..often it isnt, just like kylie said, often the fall out has been handled poorly

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  13. I've seen that too often in my extended family. Fortunately, my immediate family never had that ugliness.

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  14. I have had no relationship with my sisters and parents for 20 years. When I told them I was gay, they decided my partner and I could not be around their children (we have three daughters ourselves). Twenty years later, our daughters are compassionate, well educated and successful. Their children are right wing idiots. Can't think of a circumstance where I would ever want to see them again. Life is SO good without them.

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    1. My mother quit speaking to one of her sisters, some childish family quarrel years ago ... sadly the sister died before Mom could ever speak to her or make up with her and my Mom mourned that .. you don't want to end up feeling like you should have handled anything differently, when it is family.

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    2. Happyman , how sad for your parents to loose out on their son, son in law and grandkids....

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    3. I had a friend who married a lovely Mexican-American girl. Unfortunately, his parents (from the Deep South) refused to accept her. My friend and his wife have been married well over 40 years and have two gorgeous accomplished daughters. (One is a physician.) How sad to lose out on what could have been years of joy over a stupid prejudice against people of a different skin tone and background.

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  15. Just because we are family doesn't mean we have to like each other lol.

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    1. I agree completely. Why does being related mean we should automatically get along?

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  16. Oh I am holding a grudge right now and it will be until the end of time. I can understand people getting annoyed or wanting to take a break from friendships/relationships etc but there is a way to do it that is not as hurtful as possible, as cruel as can be or as childish as possible.
    So when met with that sort of behavior from someone you thought you could trust, the behavior you show in response should be whatever makes You Feel Good.
    And to tell the truth, shunning someone can end up being very freeing and a relief. You realize how much of a burden that "friendship" really was ..

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    1. I think we have all experienced this situation sometime in our lives......

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  17. My 2 aunts - married to my 2 of my mother's brothers - lived just down the road from each other. They fell out over one of them wearing the wrong length dress to the wedding of the other's daughter and didn't speak for decades, putting much strain on the the 2 brothers. The brothers did manage to remain close to each other. Such silliness and such a waste.

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    1. The sibling problem was pobably there well before that wedding......like most families, most things, upsets etc ar deep routed and hiddn away

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  18. My sister and I had a falling out over a slight that neither of us can now remember. We didn't speak for 13 years. Then my husband died and she was by my side immediately. I was by her side when her husband passed three years ago. To this day we can't figure out what the issue was....

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    1. Did you discuss te fall out ?

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  19. Am aware that outside my close family circle the elderly cousins are a hive of hatred and poison to each other. Glad I have no reason to be involved.
    I wonder why the sisters live close to each other?

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  20. Tis sad indeed, but more common, I think, than not. I have two brothers that I rarely speak to except when they beg for money. Alcohol and drug problems that I simply did not want to live with in my life.

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  21. I attended a memorial this weekend for a 50 something man whose only remaining family member was his sister. Nobody else. Luckily, he had fostered a group of tight, wonderful friends whose lives he had a positive effect in. I cannot imagine what it would be like to be the last. Alone. Then I remembered we can choose our "family" and develop deep relationships that go deeper than many siblings will ever know.

    I wish your friends would reconcile just the same.

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  22. My cousin passed away n Monday (badly let down by the NHS). He was adamant his sister was not informed of his illness, death or funeral. (she hated HIM). There will be fallout. And I will feel the full force because I abided by his wishes and did not let her or our other cousins, including my brothers, know.
    Sigh.
    xx

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    1. Well they shouldn't shoot the messenger......

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  23. That so many commentators can't even remember why they had a longstanding grudge with a sibling illustrates the powerful effect of family dynamics even in untraumatised families. My 87 year old mother still retains a grudge about her 94 year old sister. I think it was something to do with the latter's academic and professional success. Little does my mother realise how much her childless sister admires my mother for successfully raising 10 children (I'm number 6 and we all get on, regularly all meeting up together).

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    1. Like i said before, i suspect many of these " fall outs" are just reflections of unresolved childhood rivalries

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  24. Be careful of the warm, generous, sweet sister. She'll probably eventually murder the other one.

    Echoes of "Whatever Happened to Baby Jane".

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    1. Hush hush sweet charlotte!?

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  25. In my shortish period as carer with St John Ambulance, there were two sisters living together whom I used to visit regularly - at that time one in her late 80s, the other mid-90s!. They also had non-speaking bouts with each other which, I think, upset me more than it did themselves. It's horrible being witness to such unkindnesses between siblings though I, like you, J.G., despite my being one of five children, never once ever had a non-speaking experience with any of the others, and neither did they to other members of our family. I guess we were some of the lucky - or sensible - ones.

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    1. Raymondo , looking at the other comments we are in a minority!

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    2. Yes, and I've got to say I'm surprised, and a little disappointed that it is so.

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  26. My husband has 3 brothers and one is shunned by the others, having met him I believe he has some form of mental health issues, his lovely wife is the one who spat in my face at my MIL's funeral.

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    1. Bloody hell...a spit in the face at a funeral must weigh pretty high in shitty family feuds.

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  27. As an only child I always wished I was adopted and that a big brother and a little sister would one day appear ( I was an odd child!). I do have a lovely sister-in-law as compensation.
    My mums family have feuds that last for decades, I'm more of an argue-cry-forgive sort of gal x

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  28. My husband & I had a falling out with his parents over twenty years ago which went on for a few years but we did rekindle a relationship with them.

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    1. Who reached out to who?

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    2. Oh it's a big story but a new baby, and a wonderful aunt helped a lot xx

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  29. It is always stupid John - I guess what they fell out about is so long ago that they can't even remember what it was now. Often these quarrels are about family money.

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  30. My sister fell out with my brother and was furious I maintained a relatonship with him so then turned her vitriol on me-I had been close to her up to this point. Years later I rarely hear from her but she socialises with my brother regularly. I have reached out to her several times BTW but nothing improves. It has made me very sad but I don't know what else I can do.

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    1. Send the silly cow a copy of this post and its comments...that should help

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  31. Oh dear, John. There I was thinking that I am one of few forced to mourn my siblings whilst they are still alive. And yet, it appears - judging by your readers' comments, that family rifts are more common than I thought.

    Happily the Angel is an only. And I am happy for you that you have been able to not have been subjected to irreversible conflict with your siblings. Having said that, I do think you the type of person who avoids conflict at all cost; other than cost to yourself, cost which will not speak its name.

    U

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    1. You are wrong about conflict...although i do not relish it, i am happy to initiate things if I feel something NEEDS to be said.
      Other than that, i think its important to " pick your battles"

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  32. My family is small and getting smaller but we are all close. My grudges are saved for people who claimed to be friends and then got caught being anything but.

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  33. I fell out with my father big-time. He hated me being so different from him, he just wanted me to be a chip off the old block. We hardly spoke to each other for around 30 years and when he died we were still estranged.

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    1. Was it ok for you nick, or did you feel things were " unfinished" ?

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  34. I haven't spoken to my family for nearly 30yrs. Missed my mothers death and funeral also one sisters funeral went to the youngest sisters but did not go to see her before she died, cancer. I have a lot of real friends who love me. and have never missed my family. Maybe looking back I could see that this is the way it was always going to be.

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    1. Could I dare ask why it all happened?

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  35. Family can be a minefield. An uncharted and dangerous minefield.

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  36. I haven't spoken to my family for two years. This is the only way for me to feel at peace, as much as I can. I hope they feel the same.

    I'm glad, John, that you haven't had to endure something like this with your family. It tells me that the world works right sometimes.

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    1. Oh my goodness, so many people here have been estranged

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  37. My father left home in a huff at 18 and never spoke to his family (10 siblings) again. Never even told me their names. After he died, I found them online and met them all. It was more than 50 years after he left. They loved him and missed him and wondered where he was all that time.

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  38. My father left home in a huff at 18 and never spoke to his family (10 siblings) again. Never even told me their names. After he died, I found them online and met them all. It was more than 50 years after he left. They loved him and missed him and wondered where he was all that time.

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    1. Chania , why did he leave, did he actually remember?

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  39. As one of your Mister Man names in Trelawnyd is Mr Nosy, I have a feeling that you will one day discover the sisters' secret and what drove them apart. Please share that secret when it is unearthed.

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  40. I care for a mentally disabled sister. We have a middle sister. We are all 5 years apart. The middle had the youngest for 5 months 10 years ago. I traveled cross country yto get the "baby sis" because they could not get along. A few months later i received a $9000.00 itemized bill from the middle sister. Needless to say, i did not pay her more to look after the youngest.
    I had already given her $5000.
    IT IS ALWAYS ABOUT THE MONEY.
    The youngest is about the equal of a 9 to 12 year old with no physical handicaps. Just a big child. And is an amazing folk artist. I started her painting and her work is truly outstanding.

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    1. Have you ever seen the film FIELD OF DREAMS millicent?
      " if you build it they shall come"
      Same with blogs...give em a subject and your followers furnish you with better stories.
      Thank you and all my commenters

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    2. Ive seen the film. My avocation is making memories for my sis. My job is still being a civil servant.
      When we vacation, we pack the trunk with her art and give it away or exchange it for others art. We have made wonderful friends. And everyone remembers her and is kind.

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    3. Ive seen the film. My avocation is making memories for my sis. My job is still being a civil servant.
      When we vacation, we pack the trunk with her art and give it away or exchange it for others art. We have made wonderful friends. And everyone remembers her and is kind.

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  41. My mum is toxic, sadly I,m like a moth to a flame, as I love her.
    Mum deemed me overweight size 14 so decided I deserved no new clothes growing up!. My sister was pretty n thin so mum lavished clothes n nice things on her!.
    My sister and I are really close n best of friends, adore each other!.

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  42. Three family feuds that I am unfortunately and uncomfortably close to have been about money, specifically about someone elderly, or recently dead. Nasty, ugly stuff that comes down to morals. All three issues finally dried up enough so the parties involved were civil to one another, but none of the issues were actually resolved. (You can pick your friends, but you can't pick your family!) -Jenn

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  43. We can't pick our family like we can our friends.
    Sometimes personalities in families clash. I have 7 siblings, two of which I do not care for at all. I have attempted to 'meet in the middle' but to no avail.
    My life is a lot lighter and stress-free.
    See, John, I can share personal things!! lol

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    1. Jimbo! I do so enjoy reading emotional romps

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  44. I am in the USA and my mother in the UK only has one of her four children as a family member. She is now of her own choice at 87, in senior housing. She gave the two children living close to her a life of hell and drove them away.So they stopped helping her. Here in the USA my mother in law aged 99 is living by herself with care from a paid company. We had to leave her when we moved south, she refused to leave. Then she tried to sue us for securing money in her bank account so that her care givers could not get her to sign checks to them selves. She is well off financially. We have an ex wife in the family who sued my step daughter and evicted her from the home they shared and her grandchildren also. This was over a business they had together and the ex wife wanted all the money and the house.She got the house but had to pay a lot of money out to her daughter. We are not speaking to any of them.

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  45. My sister convinced both my parents to move 1500 miles away to be with her. Once there, she neglected and abused them. As they started to fail physically and mentally, she demanded that I give up my job, sell my home, and move in with them to take care of them. Both parents have passed as has my relationship with my sister.

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  46. My sister Jen and I didn't speak much for a whole year once. Loneliest year of my life! We are great friends as well as sisters. We just make sure we don't try sharing a house together any more. :D

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  47. Reading some of the comments here provides comfort that I'm not alone. My one and only sister refuses to talk to me (and my brothers). It's heartbreaking for me, my brothers are fine with it. But I have really good relationships with my 3 brothers, and for that I'm thankful.

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  48. I am also interested as to why the sisters live next door to each other. I guess each one doesn't want to be the one to make the first move!

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  49. It happened several times during our adulthood that I and my sister quarreled, sometimes really fighted and had periods of deathly silence. Somehow we managed to come together again. But we don't meet often although we live in the same district.

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  50. I bumped into our 92 year old neighbour the other day as she made her way down the road to visit her cousin (two doors away) who was celebrating her 92nd birthday that day; we were chatting away when her parish councillor niece also stopped to chat; the niece lives further down on the same road, around the corner from her 95 year old father, brother to the lady I was talking to. Our conversation revolved around how important that six month head start my neighbour had on her cousin was now they were older, 'just like when you're six and a half and the other girl is only six' she quipped. Just for a minute I could see her as that little girl.

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