Saturday, 18 June 2016

Dirty Little Secrets

I have a confession to make.
I have kept a secret for weeks now.
It's a dirty little secret.
Every day, I sneak out. Sometimes at dawn, sometimes at dusk and I creep out of the cottage and into the churchyard.
No one is about at these times.
No one can see my dirty secret.
I rummage around my pocket for the things I need. And I scan the churchgate for any sudden movement. I Cannot possibly carry out my secret activity when any living soul is around.
Only when I am alone can the deed be done.
The dirty,dirty deed.
I am ashamed.
I am worried I could get caught.
I am disgusted..........

So do you want to know my dirty, dirty secret?
Do you really want to know?
Do ya?


Well, I'll tell you.....
For weeks now, Albert has been tip toe-ing off to the graveyard to have a sneaky poo in the only grave which has a rectangle of earth on it, instead of turf .
I caught him several times and now have to sneak to the grave daily to give it a " spring clean"
Hey ho

39 comments:

  1. Somehow I knew this was going to involve poop.

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    1. But how?! Are you a clairvoyant, Ms Moon?????

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  2. Did he have any kind of relationship with the deceased? Karma works in strange ways. Could you sprinkle the dirt with a kitty repellent?

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  3. The perfect kitty litter tray I imagine. Walking through our graveyard I tell Dillon to stop pissing on the graves & tug him hard on the lead x


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    1. He wont use them,
      For years he has been dumping in next door's flower beds

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  4. "For the first time Rachel leaves a comment along the same lines as John's regular readers:

    I love Albert.


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  5. Perhaps he needs a litter tray in the house?

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  6. There are, admittedly, a few graves that I'd like to crap on.

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  7. Naughty Albert !
    We love him but so naughty.

    cheers, parsnip and thehamish

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  8. You need to be very, very careful. If PC Evans spots you, you'll be arrested for interfering with a grave and also you might well be accused of necrophilia to boot. Protesting that you were gathering cat poo will be laughed out of court even if that is the truth.

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  9. Oh Albert, that's not a nice thing to do, and look at all the trouble you've caused your Dad !

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  10. I hope this is not related the character of the recently departed, cleaning up is a definite sign of your character.

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  11. I must admit I wondered if you'd taken my hint and decided to "administer fox repellent" when you knew the coast was clear.

    But this could be fox related too. They like to make their territory with a bijou pile of poop somewhere prominent. Maybe Albert has found where that is and is asserting his property rights.

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    1. Yes...i did think that a fox may be around

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  12. Oh I thought you were...um, oh, never mind, best not say!

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  13. I thought you'd blame Albert :)

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  14. I hope the deceased buried there was a cat lover or at the very least, had a good sense of humour!

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  15. You could always turf it like the others. It might give you another dirty little secret but you'd only need to do it once.
    I won't tell. Honest.

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  16. Or sprinkle pepper on the soil? Did the neighbour never complain about Albert dumping in the flower beds? Or chuck it back into your garden?

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    1. I hear her shouting at him from time to time...i told her to spray him with the water hose

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  17. A cats gotta do what a cats gotta do. Though I am wondering about Albert's relationship with the deceased.

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  18. good man! you had me going.

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  19. Experience tells me that if you will make a sandbox for childrens playing he'll go right there instead!

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  20. First response : chuckle - I hadn't seen that ending coming! Second: rolling eyes "John's doing Pooh stories, AGAIN". Third - he is a good man, most people would pretend they didn't know and leave it there.... I'll stop there! Good man, John. Typical, comfortable-loving cat, Albert.

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  21. I was beginning to worry about your poo obsession but reminded myself that you are both a nurse and a pet parent. Carry on with your poo patrol! x

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  22. Crikey John ...... the person in that grave is probably a cat lover and is quite happy to be pooed on. When I go I'd be happy if every dog on earth stopped by to pee or poo on me.

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  23. Give him a mini spade, and teach him to dig.... his mother should have done this!

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  24. And I was expecting a scotch egg to feature somewhere, though that would hardly have been a 'secret'.

    Btw: Did I ever mention that when I go my ideal 'disposal' would be to be minced up and, perhaps with suitable 'flavour' added, be made into cat food? Alas, I've yet to trace anyone who'd do me that honour.

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  25. Albert's the one with the dirty secret, I'd say. Your secret is quite clean!

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  26. Well John, cats will be cats.

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  27. Good for you. My cat still has a litter box, tho she is 5. Its the neighbourly thing I do (tho I hate it) so that the neighbours wont hate us any more than they do.

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  28. Whew! What a relief. I was thinking maybe you were sneaking off the the churchyard for something unsavory... .like a poo of your own.

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  29. Well that's the nicest dirty little secret I've heard of for a long time. Naughty Albert 🐱

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  30. It took me a bit but I got it . . .
    "Dirty" Little Secret . . .
    why not, a learned behavior, "poop and cover!"
    Good "job" Albert . . . good clean up John!

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  31. I knew it would involve poo, I just didn't know whose it would be.

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