Tuesday, 8 March 2016

Fucking Pussy Willow

Only yesterday I was thinking that I was overdue for a fall.
I was accompanying affable despot Jason to Peter V's funeral and marvelled that I negotiated the Church steps and pews without actually bumping into something. It's a rarity that I accomplish any outing without some sort of mishap.
The Church was busy and full of people which was lovely for the family, but the vicar, an elderly lady who looked as though she had never laughed in her life, refused to breathe any injection of spirit into the service, which was a shame. Subdued by the atmosphere Jason and I giggled like schoolboys on the way home as we swapped ideas for an " interesting" send off. He , being a fan of Jack the Ripper ( !) thought a " street urchin " theme would be suitable with begger boys at the church door and Auntie Gladys dressed up as the old tart Catherine Widdows .
I preferred a more mysterious affair with an impeccably dressed woman with an opaque veil sat alone on a back pew, holding a single red rose.
Anyhow I digress.
As I told you that I thought I was overdue for a tumble ...and today I had one ....and I blame the Gaynor The Mad Organist for it.
She had made it known to the Prof that she needed some pussy Willow and obviously hinted to him that I was the girl to get it for her. This morning, on the Gop paths, I went off piste  to search for some  and caught the back of my trackie bottoms on a particularly robust bramble branch.
As my underpants " twanged" , I lost my footing and bounced merrily perhaps five feet down a bank loosing a shoe and pulling one entire leg out of my trackie bottoms.
Not only did I bruise my dignity, but I thought I had indeed ruptured myself and so limped home for a hot bath and a body inspection.

81 comments:

  1. Naught worse than a sprained dignity! I do it all the time, lol.

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  2. Perchance you should wear more padding?

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  3. I haveca fat arse!

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  4. You and your stupid stories,,,I've just inhaled a mouthful of tea. I should have realized that a title of f#cking pussy willow would would entail you having a mishap!

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    1. Where's the sympathy! I am practically and presently disabled by it all

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    2. Sympathy? Not when you most likely caused the majority of your readership to almost choke. You Sir are a card!!

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    3. And that was from me, MissFifi. Stupid Blogger not recognizing me!

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  5. So...no pussy willow?

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  6. Funnily enough, I only ever remember you falling over when you were very drunk - and quite spectacularly so.

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    1. Now I only do it sober
      How things change
      ( and as i recall i only ever fell over once after a few drinks with you but that WAS down a whole flight of stairs!)

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    2. A few? If it had been only a few the fall might not have been quite so dramatic and I wouldn't have had to rescue your belongings from that creepy and rather predatory ABO barman the following day...

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  7. I like your impeccably dressed woman holding her single rose at the servie. At the burial/cemetery itself, a half dozen more should appear out of nowhere when people are tossing dirt and flowers into the grave and each silently drop a single rose onto the others. They could then walk away, climb into an enormous black stretch limousine and disappear in a cloud of curiosity.
    (It wouldn't hurt if they were very tall.)

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    1. I do like this scenario .......i would also insist that at least two people would be sobbing loudly into giant handkerchiefs at quieter moments

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    2. Oooh, that IS good ! a funeral with a mystery.

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    3. I hereby volunteer to sob. I am such a good sobber. Really ... sniffle ...

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  8. Twanged is an interesting choice of sound, but I giggled uncontrollably with this. I too would prefer some sort of Jack the Ripper send off. Or Lizzie Borden-esque.

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  9. But did you get the Pussy Willow????

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    1. Nope..and nor will the mad organist

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  10. "Fucking Pussy Willow" - sounds like a good title for a porn movie! hope you were not seriously hurt, dear.

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  11. That's what you get for chasing after pussy.

    Oh . . . pussy WILLOW, I mean.

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  12. Replies
    1. Sore! And my longjohns have been pulled out of recognition

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  13. Longjohns??? And here's me always imagining you in really sexy underwear. How wrong can you get.

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  14. Why is it that all I can think of are inappropriate remarks about Mrs Slocombe!! I like the idea of mysterious female mourner with the rose and black veil!!! Very theatrical!

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  15. I fall arse over teakettle acouple of times a year. I'm due. I hope all you bruised was your dignity.

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  16. Hi john ,josh's mum here the shy one.Have to say u gave us a good giggle here! My son didnt know that a pussy willow, was actually a pussy willow lol.

    lisa,x

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  17. And did the magistrates believe you?

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    Replies
    1. Yes but the police didnt

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  18. I regularly ricochet around rooms, bouncing merrily from one surface to the next, my husband calls me 'the human pinball machine'!
    However, my best ever was falling off my platform shoes (it was a long time ago) going headlong over some low railings, and sliding none too gracefully down a grass bank, taking the daffodils with me as I went....and all in front of a biology teacher who I really fancied!
    I'm just so relieved that it's not just me who frequently looks like an idiot, and needs a supply of arnica cream in the house!
    Hope you're feeling better! X

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  19. I like the idea of a mysterious veiled woman on a back pew. I shall add that to my funeral plans immediately.

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    1. So did I ......it's been duly booked

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  20. The Woman in Black ... that could be me, you know.
    I hope you are not even more sore now- you know,that day after soreness that comes after a nights sleep ..
    I do wish there had been a camera around .. filming .. that spectacular tumble .. oh well, the description was good enough :)

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  21. Co-incidentally I had a fall when out rambling in Derbyshire yesterday. My right hip is hurting today. I was glad there was nobody around to snap a photo of my accident or laugh at my misfortune.

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    1. Glad im not the only one YP , PERHAPS men of a certain age don't balance well

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  22. Rest, see your doc, be well.

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  23. If ALL is still intact.....all's well that ends well! Poor Dear.

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  24. That is some fall to lose a bottom.
    Since having to use a walker now I am constantly hitting walls and door jams ! I seem to just bounce off of them or crash and leave a dent.
    thehamish now gives me plenty of space so I don't roll
    over and squash him !

    cheers, parsnip

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  25. My aunt Joan use to say " your like a bull in a china cabinet." I'm always running into things. I find bruises and can't remember how I got it? I'm glad your dignity is in tact. Thankfully no bones broken.

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  26. While your description was delightful, I'm sure the fall was not. I hope there are no lasting effects.

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  27. Oh my god peeing myself laughing here! What are you like? x

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    1. I know Im soooo funny xx

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  28. I had escaped all winter until going across my mother's frozen driveway- as soon as my husband let go my hand I took one more fateful step and smacked down so hard I was winded, both knees abraded through several layers and my chest and wrists were sore for several days. It was much like doing a belly flop, only onto hard frozen ground...So, my fullest sympathy!

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  29. You have bought back such embarrassing memories for me. I was standing on a concrete path that backed onto the local football field minding my own business with a terrier and a lurcher (cant bring myself to name the little bu**ers) When one spotted a cat and both ran around me and literally dragged me through a gap in the hedge backwards. Where my tracksuit bottoms ended up I really cant bring myself to say. Oh the joy on those footballers faces will live with me forever. I think I now know what a car feels like when it goes from 0 - 60 in the blink of an eye. I could write a book on trying unsuccessfully to walk a terrier and lurcher on leads when the mere whiff of a cat was about.

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    1. try with four dogs including a bulldog who just wants to go home

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  30. So many happy memories in your title.

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  31. My sympathies. I too often go arse over tit. Often embarrassing and frequently painful as well.
    Shame about the pussy willow though.
    Why a woman with a veil? What's wrong with a masked man?

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    1. more mysterious for all!!!!

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  32. I hope you have only hurt your pride and nothing else. In future do not go 'off piste' unless you are accompanied with a responsible adult! As you said yourself - it's rare you have an outing without a mishap! That old vicar woman needs a good tickle to get her laughing - I dare you!!! x

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    1. tickling an irate vicar lady....? no thanks

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  33. Would you settle for sobbing lady in navy blue.... black is so unflattering :-)

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    1. as long as you wear a veil and a big hat

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  34. John, when are you going to start putting video on your blog? Or maybe not, I've peed my pants once already, LOLOLOL

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    1. only the Prof sees my knickers

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  35. Ouch! Sounds like a long, hot, deep bath with plenty of bath salts and a hot toddy are called for. You'll be stiff as a board tomorrow, you poor thing!

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    1. im stiff as a board now!

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    2. Oooooo, matron !!!!!!!

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  36. Chris won't mind.

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  37. I had to look up Pussy willow. Greetings Maria x

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  38. You know, reading your title again, someone could read that and think this is some kind of kinky website for people who like to have sex with trees and plants.

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  39. Men of a certain age should not.....

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  40. Several years ago whilst helping lead a guided walk with a very handsome ex-paramedic, I slipped down a bank into some hawthorn scratching my back badly. He insisted, much to my embarrassment, that I fill in an accident form for his organisation, so I got my revenge by filling in the bit that asked how bad the injury was with 'no more than you'd expect from a good S&M night'. His face was a picture. I'm guessing collecting pussy willow doesn't come with much paperwork, thankfully.

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  41. So sorry about the fall. At first I thought it might have happened on the way home from the funeral! Ugh, a muddy friggin' American tourist, how awful that would be!!!

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    1. at least the mud would cover the lurid colours

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  42. Hope no lasting damage, John. Get in to a hot tub. Deb

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    1. will do........if I can cock my leg up over the rim

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  43. John, just sit in the edge and Fall In :)

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  44. I really needed a good laugh after 'one of those' days so thank you John and your'fpw'. Hope you're not too battered and bruised and that the prof has rubbed some arnica cream on to your bruised dignity.

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  45. Reminds me of the time that I thought that I could cross a swamp pond, got sucked into the sand up to my undies and lost a flip-flop in the process.

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  46. Oh no I hope a soak and some TLC have helped ease the pains.
    Could I diplomatically suggest that a woman in black will present no mystery whatsoever given your famous status as a firm member of the Blue team? An immaculately suited gentleman however, or perhaps a woman with rather wide shoulders and large feet? ;-)

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  47. You could have got a bunch in waitrose for under a fiver and saved a lot of trouble. I can't think of a better way to exit a funeral though, why not a little giggling and humour amongst the pews I say as they don't have to be sombre and sad (my father in law had Blakeney Races played for his grand send off which is a very cheery little ditty).

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  48. OUCH!!

    It seems you fall over as regularly as my Lovely Hubby, he's even stopped telling me about the ones I don't witness .... I've just completely ran out of sympathy ;-)

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  49. I hope you soaked away the soreness and enjoyed the body inspection. It's comforting to know you still think you have dignity left to bruise (well, maybe not so much comforting as surprising).

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