Wednesday, 25 November 2015

Put Down


What have Intelligent Drunks, Queeny Divas and Manic Despression sufferers in their manic phase all have in common?
Well, before you reach for your postcards, I shall tell you.

They all are expert at delivering the cutting insult.

Years ago now, I once had to chase a psychiatric patient down the main drive of Bootham Park Hospital in York. The woman could see I was flagging by the time she had reached the main gates which led to a busy thoroughfare just outside the city gate and in front of a load of shoppers and drivers in their cars she screamed " Come on Lard Arse" at me before she scrambled onto a passing bus!

 A policewoman once told me  that when faced with a potty mouthed woman ( when she was not working)  the best way to get your own back verbally is to confidently point out to her and the world  that she is wearing " CHEAP SHOES!" . It is a put down that I have only successfully used twice and I must admit , it was incredibly satisfying when I unleashed it on a woman who swore at me on a petrol station forecourt.

What is the best put down you have heard or better still said.......?
I'd be interested to hear just how good bloggers are at the one line insult

118 comments:

  1. I was almost run over by an elderly toff a few months ago, and when I remonstrated with him, he said I should have moved faster to get out of his way. I was so angry that all I could think of saying after that was, "You fat cunt!" Not very clever but at least he understood what I was talking about.

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    1. Lol.....no ambiguity there me thinks

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  2. I recently had an unpleasant conversation with a cyclist in full modern cycling gear. I had honked at her because she was riding down the middle of a suburban road and I couldn't get by. She swore at me like a soldier. When we parted I called after her - "Nice outfit by the way!" I could see her going purple with annoyance though I hadn't sworn once.

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    1. I heard Eddie Izzard on the tv today who said that when people comment in a cruel way about his cross dressing , he beams and sings out " merry christmas"

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    2. He was he in Tucson a few months back and I adored his outfits ! Especially the Chinese Red tunic.

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    3. I have never been to Tucson and do not possess a red Chinese tunic! (Mine is lime green)

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  3. We had one delightful assistant in the canteen where I worked and one very rude one. One morning the rude one made a snide comment while a customer was talking to the nice one. The customer said, 'Hey, I was talking to the lady, not the tramp'.

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    1. Oooh.....straight for the jugular.....nice!

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  4. I'm usually the queen of the great put down but I for reasons unknown to myself (most likely for a quiet life) keep my lips buttoned when it comes to my brother. He puts me, or should I say my appearance, down at every opportunity.

    This weeks little sting was while he was watching a clip of The Seekers on my Mum's computer and made the comment that the lead singer was a nice natural looking woman with good hair and 'women that dye their hair never look good' (mine is cropped and very blonde as you will remember), instead of snapping anything back I gave him a jokey clip on the back of his head (NCIS Gibbs style).

    I should have said well at least I'm not grey and receding like you ... but I didn't. Oh .... and as the singer in question was 67 at the time the recording was made I doubt very much that her hair was that luxuriously brunette all on it's own.

    Past remarks have been on my dress sense, eyebrows (yes I know!!), shoes and many others, I could have retaliated on all of the above with bitter stinging repostes ... but I didn't, more fool me :-(

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    1. Siblings are a tricky area me thinks...i think so many put on sisters and brothers take the jibes until breaking point.....bammmmmmm....big fall outs

      I liked your hair btw

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    2. You didn't slap him hard enough!I always thought the lead singer of the Seekers was rather 'homely'! Was her name Judith?

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    3. One of my sisters always has something nasty to say about the way I look. Can't you do anything with your hair? If the people from What Not To Wear were here, they'd take away your clothes.

      I don't live in a house that costs a million dollars and buy whatever I want. I get back at the sister by telling her, You say that because you're jealous of my butt.

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  5. I'm hopeless. I will usually come up with something good, but it will be a couple of hours too late and I'll kick myself for not being quick-witted enough.

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    1. Me thinks women and gay en are so much better at the put sown than straight men

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    2. I must be a bad gay man then.

      My best "put down" is to turn around and leave without saying a word.

      BTW John, you should check out your spelling before posting.

      BAM!
      ;)

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    3. "Turn backward, turn backward oh time in thy flight, I just thought of a comeback I needed last night!"

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  6. Two spring immediately to mind....
    When a work colleague commented that my new (very expensive) perfume reminded him of a brothel, I snapped back with 'I wouldn't know, but as you are so obviously an expert on such places, I'll take your word for it'!
    And....
    When on a date with my boyfriend 'A' (now my husband) a woman approached me and in the bitchiest tone imaginable said 'I was 'A's first girlfriend' to which my reply was 'Good for you, I'm his last'!
    There are loads more, as I can be quite scathing when necessary, my Grandfather used to quip that I slept in a knife box as my tongue was so sharp! X

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    1. Way to go sister

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    2. This comment has been removed by the author.

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    3. I am making a mental note of that. x

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    4. I'd like to be that sharp. My boyfriend has been a right bastard lately.

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    5. In fact, I don't know if he's my boyfriend anymore.

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    1. Not quite on topic

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    3. LOL ... I think I love Margo .. where do these robots or spammers find a way to get in ?? I have enough trouble signing in to my own blog !

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  8. Thought you might enjoy this from Lily Savage...

    I was having a sneaky smoke in the 'loos' at Heathrow Airport, when an irate cleaner said "Oi, there's no smoking in 'ere" and pointing at the 'No Smoking' sign added "Can't you read"?

    To which I replied "Yes I can read it, that's why I'm not cleaning the f***in' toilets at Heathrow Airport"!

    I love Paul O'Grady, but I really miss Lily!

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    1. Excellent! My favorite so far!

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  9. I'm hopeless at clever insults. At the time I'm usually speechless, and it's only afterwards that I think of some brilliant, totally humiliating put-down. I just don't have the killer instinct.

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    1. You need to practicea few in the bathroom mirror

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  10. I once had an upper-class boss who hated Catholics. Both his secretary and I (the office manager) had been raised Catholic. Although we had long since "fallen away", it still galled us both that he would be borish enough to continually denigrate part of our cultural history to our faces in an environment where we could not tell him to shut up. Because he was the boss, we were his captive audience. One day he was boring us to tears with a story of his "elegant" grandmother who regularly tortured her Catholic daughter-in-law with religion-related insults. The daughter-in-law, of course, would have been unable to protect herself from this overbearing and haughty woman and just had to suffer silently. When he was done, laughing out loud at one of the mean things his grandmother had said to his aunt, I blurted out (with a smile), "So was your grandmother mean, or was she just stupid?" The look on his face was pure hatred. I still savor the memory.

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    1. I love a verbal bitch slap like that

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    2. I once had a boss who said that when I wore my head phones for telephone interviews (I was a newspaper reporter) that I looked like the dyke bitch who had used them before me. I quit soon after that.

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  11. My husband worked with a large wonderful man who when not working , performed on stage. He was usually the one dressed as the older larger woman so as to make the slim young woman(man) look ever better.

    We were out to dinner one night and standing on the street, about to say goodby when a woman and her husband walked by.

    She looked at our friend and said in a loud voice ... " Look honey, a fairy "...

    Our friend looked at her and in his best on stage ringing tones said
    "Madame, if I were a fairy, I would pull out my wand and fix your nose".

    and that was that.

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    1. God loves a diva

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    2. I miss him.. he and his best friend were our sons godmothers ( or as they said, fairy godmothers) ..
      I was this young clueless girl from North Carolina by way of Los Angeles and they were older wiser and so kind.
      His partner would hold my hand when we walked down the street, he said he liked to confuse people.
      They gave us the entire layette for our baby, they sent gifts from all over the world on the babys birthday.
      I miss them .. They are in a fabulous drag show in Heaven now.

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  12. Years ago a very aggressive male driver hassled my husband and myself. He was very aggressive and pulled up next to me and was ready to direct some verbal tirade st me. Before he had a chance to say anything to me I said " you must have an awfully small dick to be that angry". He was too shocked to say anything and luckily we drove off.

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    1. John " high fives" leisha

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    2. Me too ! High fives !

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    3. Thanks so much . It was one of those moments where the insult just flowed.

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  13. Can never think of anything that quickly. It's a gift. The standard young people comeback used to be "your momma." Silly. I really can't remember anyone having been rude or derogatory to my face. Glad because I think it would be upsetting. On the other hand, mess with my kids or grands and I'll lose it.

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  14. I was on the fringe of a conversation with some men at work years ago when it suddenly turned very snide and vicious regarding a butch woman who worked at the same place. I was uncomfortable and angry but struggling to find a way to interject and stop it when one them turned to me and asked `what would you do if you could have a dick for the day love ?`.....I replied `Oh I`d stick it in your ear and fuck some sense into you`. It was an old line but I recycled it with perfect timing and a cool delivery which made him shut the fuck up and look like a prat at the same time. Job done.

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  15. Many years ago I was walking through Liverpool with my girlfriend (now wife). We were students at the university, she has a nice south of England accent and I have a Lancashire accent but I am fairly good with accents and after a few years in Liverpool I can put on a fairly good scouse accent.

    One day we were wandering along chatting and two "girls" overheard us and started to follow us. One said loudly "Give us a ciggy or we'll rough up yer girl!". This got my blood boiling so I turned around, put on my best scouse accent and said something along the lines of "I'd like to see you try you F'ing tarts". They were both pretty shocked to hear this coming from what they thought was a "soft" target and beat a hasty retreat.

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    1. Scousers have made the one line insult something of their own me thinks.....my mother was one and my best friend is still one

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  16. I am loving all these! Not long ago, I had an unpleasant encounter at one of the local puppy parks (for socialization for our lovely wee one) and there was a rather aggressive puppy there who decided to target mine sadly. When I mentioned to the owner,a very young girl about 20, that she needs better voice control of her puppy (I was polite about it) and I guess she didn't like that pointing out of the obvious whilst dragging her puppy by the back legs trying to get her off mine - she started swearing at me like a trucker, how I didn't know how dogs "work". I waited patiently until she was done and then mentioned to her that she should just go back to her pole and her trailer, and why its obvious her puppy is aggressive. A product of its environment. There are idiots at every turn.

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    1. The problem with insulting stupid people is the fact that often the insult gets lost... They know a battle is on but they dont quite know just why

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    2. True . But I did like the "Go back to her pole" part of it :)

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  17. There were 2 people in a grocery isle stopped speaking to each other. I was waiting so I could continue down the isle when a lady behind me kept pushing her cart into the back of my legs. I turned around to look at her and she told me to go to hell. I gave her a sweet smile and told her I did but she wasn't home. Her look was priceless!

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  18. He is as bright as midnight in the desert on a moonless night.

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    1. Yes a stoopid person would have to think hard about this one

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  19. I have two, but the first one is not mine. Many years ago I read about a spectacular retort a woman who was constantly being catcalled used. The man said, "Nice tits!' To which she replied, "Thanks. Your mom has them too."

    My favorite thing to do when people pass you in a fury or cut you off, angry that you were going the speed limit, then have the gall to give you the finger is to wave, blow them a kiss and yell out "Have a nice day." Asshats.

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  20. John i delivered my best one liner when in 3 or 4th grade....My family had moved across country and i was in a new school and being picked on horribly by some of the kids. You know i'd always been told to just ignore the bullies and they will get tired of it and leave you alone. But i'll tell you this one girl it just did not work with.. One day out on the playground she called me 'Long Legs'... and went on and on how awful my long legs were... Well we were headed back inside and she said it just one too many times and somewhere inside i found the courage to just stand up a little straighter and taller and look her in the eye and said..... are you ready for it?....

    ' I may have long legs but your Daddy Long Legs!!" Um yeah... that was my famous one liner at 9 years old... sigh... but you know what? She left me alone after that... :) Hugs! deb

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    1. Lol...will have to think about this one

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  21. OMG, must be a nurses thing, I have used the cheap shoes comment many times. Since I am a shoe person, those who know realize how cutting that comment really is. Other than to a bird like woman who made a cruel comment to me last week, that comment has always served me well.

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    1. True, there are people who would be devastated by that lol.

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  22. Not really a put down but "I'm sorry that bothers you so much." implying it doesn't bother you but a tongue in cheek apology.

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    1. Alice.....I think that if you deliver this line with a big smile that is as powerful a statement as shouting asshole!

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  23. One of my favourites I pinched from the author Kathy Letts. I was in a pub with a friend when a much younger man, obviously trying to embarrass me asked me if I wanted to try a toy boy. I replied, 'I'm sorry but I refuse to fuck anyone I could have given birth to'.
    Another time someone complained aggressively that my car wasn't parked straight and that she couldn't get through the gap. I replied 'Well I managed to get through but then my arse isn't as big as yours'. And I do have a fairly big bum, but hers was much bigger.

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    1. Chuckle, giggle. Love that last one. x

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  24. I don't think of anything to come back with until hours later.

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  25. When in such an unpleasant situation I outwardly act as though the offender does not exist. In my head I am wondering, "who let YOU out?"

    A retort from the movie "Mask" is, "Aren't you due back at the lab to have your bolts tightened?"

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    1. I love movie insults....i couldnt put the best youtube video on the blog it wouldnt let me

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    2. John, which video and I will try it ... I have ways with these things lol

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  26. Not mine, but a lovely young colleague who is trying to lose weight, is picked on by ethnic minority evil colleague who is only ever seen to eat fruit re her weight. So on night shift evil colleague said to lovely one .you will end up sad and alone as you are fat!. . We were all shocked, but lovely colleague quick as anything said well you didn't, get that Arse from eating fruit!.
    I spat my coffee across the nurses station n high five days lovely colleague later!.

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  27. I am the Queen of sarcasm in our house, but today I am drawing a complete blank on some of my better "snappy retorts". However, I will pass along on of my faves from the movie Moonstruck: In reply to Johnny Camereri's plea- "In time you''ll see that this is the right thing"...Loretta shouts: "In time you'lll die and I'll come to your funeral in a red dress!" Still makes me laugh every time.

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    1. My fav is Olympia dukakis in steel magnolias
      When looking at a fat woman dancing in a tight dress
      " like two pigs fighting under a blanket"

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    2. Then there is something about when a woman needs to wear a bra - two cats fighting in a bag ..

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    3. Oh, I always say that when my ex-husband dies I'll wear a red dress to his funeral and dance on his grave.

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  28. My friend to a male flasher "Is that it?". He legged it.

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    1. A nurse acquaintance when confronted by a male flasher, 'I've washed ten of those today'.

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    2. Brilliant! hehehe

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    3. Me to a real "w*nker" hiding in the bushes at lunchtime. "That looks like a penis only smaller". I was so proud of myself as I have usually felt threatened by flashers, but not this time.

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    4. Treaders, that really did make me LOL ... "only smaller " lol

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  29. I'm one of the significant number who is simply paralysed by anger, including insults, directed at me, rendering me dumb and unable to act - until afterwards when calmer it's all so clear what I SHOULD have said, but by then it's much too late of course.

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    1. Unleash your inner queen

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    2. She's been shackled inside for so long the chains have got rusted.

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  30. Mine is a bit tame really but I do like to say, 'are you this rude to everyone or is it just my turn today'. Then I just turn and walk away.

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  31. I am not very good with retorts. I am so dense most just go over my head. Which is it own best comeback I guess. If I do get upset with comments I get very upset, I never say or write what I want to say.
    I really like Cherie's comment from above. I must remember that one and the "cheap shoes". Best ever.
    Enjoying everyone comments.

    cheers, parsnip

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  32. Unfortunately (and apologies in advance, John) the only time I ever retorted to anyone was to a nurse in emergency who I had asked to please enforce the limit on visitors for the patient in the same room with my extremely ill and elderly father (who had not slept for two nights prior to admission), and she wouldn't do so. Finally I said "Whatever" and turned my back on her. That was all. I would have liked to say more, but I knew I had to rely on her for the rest of that shift to answer the emergency buzzer.

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    1. I hope that she got the message

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  33. I can let things slip in private company, but I would feel too guilty afterward to say anything directly. My brother-in-law -- before he met my sister -- tried to pick up a woman in a pub. "Do you mind if I smoke?" he asked. "You can bloody well burst into flames for all I care!"

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  34. Loving these. Despite the fact that all of my shoes are cheap.

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  35. Am I old fashioned? I try not to insult and also I don;t listen to put downs from others John. The fact that I am deaf probably helps!

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  36. Alas being in a service industry I don't get to say so many of the things that I want to, to people who really shouldn't be allowed their share of the oxygen. And when I am on stage, the things I think of to say are too shocking even for my character. So far, I've not ha any really troublesome hecklers so fingers crossed.
    However a fellow MC was recently being heckled mercilessly by a drunk and uninhibited friend - said friend is a hot mess but we all love her - although she was taking liberties that night, and after 3/4 of a show of it, the MC suddenly shouted, "will you shut the f**k up! I don't come around to your work place and knock the cocks out of your mouth!" I'd like to think he keeps such dazzlers for his friends but I doubt it!

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  37. Your commenters love put down and revenge posts. I don't.

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  38. Someone in a cinema queue called my friend a fat bitch. ....she turned round and said "well at least I could go on a diet but there's not much you can do about being ugly."

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    1. That's one my mum used, but she would have said 'I can diet, but can you afford plastic surgery'?

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    2. The version I heard years ago was
      I'm fat , your ugly, but I can lose weight.

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  39. I can't think of anything I've heard recently, and I don't think I've insulted anyone--at least not intentionally. The cheap shoes remark would probably have me doubled over on the ground and sobbing. I like my shoes. Even worse would be to tell me cheap boots. X has bipolar. He was the master of the cutting remark, but he wasn't amusing in the least. Just vicious. One time my daughter was visiting the family of the young man she dated while in college. He left her alone with some of the other young ladies, and I use the term ladies loosely. She told me later they were trashy. They wouldn't talk to her because she hadn't seen any of the TV shows they watched.

    Not that all gay men are lovely and adorable, but I've never met one who wasn't. When the daughter moved to the San Francisco area, she stayed with a young man she had known in college. He was gay, and he had four gay roommates. Those guys took such good care of her. They even had some funny saying about keep your legs together. I wish I could remember what it was. One of them still cuts her hair. She has a great hairdo. Looks just like Alan Turing.

    Love,
    Janie

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    1. The nastiest people i have ever met just happen to be gay.......means nothing x

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  40. I'm afraid I can never come up with something good on the spur of the moment....after I get home and it's way to late I can think of lots of great come backs.

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  41. A fave in my family is the classic from Gosford Park, a very dignified, "What an unfortunate remark!" The nice thing about it is it doesn't descend into rudeness, and it is pretty general purpose so you can always find it on tip of your tongue.

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  42. I just have to tell you that John's policewoman was not talking about me.
    I am potty about Moorcroft not childrens toilet facilities.

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  43. Many moons ago I was in a club dancing with a young chap in a rather close hold, I received the comment "I've got a hard on dancing with you" my reply "really I didn't notice"

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  45. A few weeks ago, out and about with the Great Scot, who'd gone to look at something... the very loud music and flashy lights had my tremors even twitchier than usual.

    La Bitcherina walks by, nose in air, and 'whispers' to her companion " f*cking alkie". A few steps on, she stumbled and fell against a pole. Me, feeling a bit bitchy myself at the time, opined " Wiping away that bit of crap under your nose would probably help you walk better" then wheeled myself merrily on my way.

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  46. 'Are you always this nasty or is it just the constipation bothering you again?'

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  47. Am so using the cheap shoes chirp.

    thank you :)

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