Monday, 15 June 2015

Smiles and Tears


I have spent most of the morning sorting out carpet cleaners and appropriate food for a knackered old 
Welsh terrier. 
Get one right and I may save money and energy on the other
Anyhow
When I got back the 96 year old " Scone Fairy" had been

as a jar of homemade black currant jam was left tied to the front door knob.

*

Some people smile and laugh when all they want to do is to frown or cry.
Whilst others frown and cry when all they want to do is to smile and laugh.
I met both sorts yesterday and both tugged at my heart just a little.

My friend from the otherside of the village has a group of aged sheep as well as a massive gaggle of hens and with a heavy heart she had to make the decision that the ewes had to be put down. The animals had been housed in a spare stable, safe and comfortable and all together and my friend laughed and smiled as she told me that the deed was to be done this morning.
She smiled and laughed but her eyes didn't sparkle at all

The other friend was Bob's wife, who had hit that dreadful void in grief where the adrenalin which pumps after you have to deal with a death, starts to subside alongside generalised support from friends and family. She called around on a pretext , but needed to talk about how she was feeling.
The tears flowed, as no smile could stop them

People seem to be ashamed of sadness......I think this comes from the fact that miserable people tend to get of everyone's tits!
Now when I say miserable people, I don't mean people who are battling terrible upsets like my two friends above, I mean those unhappy, blood sapping people that are just unhappy with their lot.....and we all know them. Mean spirited, self centred and exhausting.... They give genuinely sad people a bad name

My friends like most people I like are generous of spirit and it was sad to see them so unhappy and lost.



77 comments:

  1. Yes. There is a huge difference. But often, people who are just miserable all the time can't help it. They have depression or anxiety or...
    But no, they are not pleasant to be around and I fear I am one of those at times.
    I don't know why we hide sadness, feel so bad about it. Somehow, it's a very private emotion. But sometimes we just have to share it. I'm so glad you were there for the people you knew who needed to share theirs.
    You're a good man, John Gray.

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  2. Your sad friends found exactly the right place to go.

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  3. a post to make you think and appreciate what you have in life....

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  4. All of the above but a friend with wide shoulders and who listens makes all the difference.


    Thank goodness for the little difference and you being there. Wish more people were like you.

    Pattypan

    x

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  5. You are a good friend John.

    I love the handwriting on the black currant jam. I have kept letters from my grand mother & great aunt so I can be reminded of their old lady handwriting. Very nostalgic when I see both x

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    1. Old lady writing......and a very old lady indeed

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  6. Well said. It's great that you are there to help your friends through these life events.

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  7. I am sure that you provided great comfort to both of your friends, they obviously knew that you were the right person to share their sadness with. I agree about miseries, they are different from sad. p.s. no veggie photo from me, I have a total lack of inspiration as far as veggies go right now!

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    1. Amy......just google novelty vegetable in google
      Thats where i get my inspiration

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    2. I might try that !

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    3. Ps. I am on a "ship" moored on the river Rhone in Lyons France . In my bed after a very long day getting here! Just checking my friends blogs on iPhone before hopefully a good nights sleep as we were up at 3 am this morning. X

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    4. Have bloody fun! And too much nice red x

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  8. How wonderful that the Scone Fairy visited; her way of helping the carer of Welsh terriers and the listener of others' heartfelt tales.

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  9. John, You sound like a bloody lovely bloke, We need more people with your genuine kindness and fabulous wit.

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  10. I wish I could visit you when I'm sad. I can't think of a better place for comfort than your cottage.

    You're one of the good guys.

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  11. I can't even imagine the grief and sadness of your friend's widow. Glad you could comfort.
    The sadness of putting down your animals - how dreadful for her.

    I have learned from this post that I have old lady handwriting. Heavy sigh, what is the next to go?

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  12. Methinks John Gray, that you are a very insightful person. You might need to get an egg timer and start charging for your time like the lawyers and psychologists do. I would pay.

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  13. I love the handwriting on the jam jar. The 96 year old Scone Fairy is
    wonderful.
    Dealing with the awful choice of saying goodby to a much loved pet is very hard. You know it must be done but...
    The adrenalin void the come with the death of a family member is hard to take. It is not that family and friends do not care I think life just gets in the way. When my baby daughter died that happened to me. and several months later a friend sent me a note that said she was thinking of me. Ever since I have done the same thing, a late note to tell them someone remembered.

    John your an old soul.
    cheers, parsnip

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  14. I have known smiley people who give the impression that for them life is an absolute gas but behind the facade sometimes hides a troubled soul and when people like that fall they fall damned hard. Never judge a book by its cover - unless of course it's The Yellow Pages!

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    1. Good comment...say that again!

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  15. I have known smiley people who give the impression that for them life is an absolute gas but behind the facade sometimes hides a troubled soul and when people like that fall they fall damned hard. Never judge a book by its cover - unless of course it's The Yellow Pages!

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  16. Sometimes we just need to let it all out, your friends and neighbors are so lucky to have you there to guide them.

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    1. Me thinks they guide me

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  17. You're dead right about miserable people giving genuinely sad people a bad name. I feel like saying to them, You don't know what real misery is, you grumpy whinge-bag. But then they'd just start moaning about me as well.

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  18. I'm with you, John, they can guide us. I appreciate my life more because of them. Energy vampires suck big time - pun intended - but I always give them a little of me. They can't help it and often their misery is rooted in terrible despair (loss of a child, orphanage, etc.).

    XO
    WWW

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    1. I guess you are right misery is misery even though it may be clouded by pessimism

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  19. John, you are in this village for a reason.....so many reasons.

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  20. I was out shopping with my mother when I was 16 and my father had just died. We saw my friend from school coming towards us with her mother; mum and I were all ready to speak. At the moment they saw us we saw them look at each other, hesitate, and dive away from us in another direction. I was amazed and ashamed of my friend. My mother shrugged and said that's how it is. That day taught me a lot. I am not quite sure how this fits here. I try to listen and talk to people. It is not frightening to listen and talk and it means a lot. I have always tried my hardest not to behave like my school friend and her mother. Your post today reminded me of this.x

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    1. Bittersweet eh Rachel....?

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    2. It was a good lesson to learn at an early age. (Shame that I had to learn it that way). I make sure I speak, always.

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    3. Rachel my father died when I have was 10 years old . Only one friend at school said something to me. We did not see friends after his death , the avoidance of saying anything to me or my mother or sister was baffling .

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    4. I too always acknowledge the loss of someone xxx

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    5. I'm glad I returned to read this Leisha. Nobody ever spoke to me about my father's death. It made it seem like we had to be ashamed of it. My mother found it difficult enough as it was. She never saw friends after that either.xxxx

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    6. I'm really glad I did too Rachel. No one really spoke to me either and I can relate to how you feel and I share these feelings too . So many friends we never saw again too . I send you a warm kindred spirit hug xxx

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    7. Thank you Leisha. I haven't felt anybody understood before. Now that I am older I feel so much for my mother and what she shrugged off on the surface and never spoke about. I was not much help to her at 16.xxx

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    8. I so agree Rachel , it's not until I got older that I recognised my mothers loss. It was also fairly recently that I acknowledged the loss of my father when I was such a young girl . The loss of a parent at such a young age is one we share . It's meant a lot to me to share this with you Rachel , thank you xxxx

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    9. And me to you too Leisha.xxxx

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    10. This has been such a lovely conversation with you Rachel and last night as I went to bed I thought isn't life wonderful . Sometimes we can really connect emotionally with someone and I felt this with you . It was really healing to talk and share this with you xxxxx

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    11. Thank you both x

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    12. Thank you dear John . How old were you John when you lost your mother ? Xx

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    13. Thank you Leisha and John. Good things make up for the bad.xxx

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    14. Just returned again , like a virtual hug now xxxx love to you both xxx

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  21. Death is awfully unfinished business John and grief will always be with us. I can look at a beetroot and feel sad because my mother use to love them. A Grouse whisky bottle reminds me of my dad because that was his favourite drink. Sadness is sadness and people like you help us smile every day.

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    1. I have a little sadness on me at the moment

      Made a thai curry for tea and now have a whopper bout of indegestion

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    2. I hope you have someone to talk to John. xx

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    3. John, John John, always drink a glass of milk or eat some yoghurt. A mango lassi is the best though.

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    4. Are you meaning that for the hangover post gay
      E lol
      X

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  22. I do enjoy reading your blog John.one day you have us laughing out loud,next day a tear in your eye.A neighbour of ours lost her son at the age of 22 a couple of years ago.I went round with a card and flowers and ended up crying my eyes out in front of her.I left feeling I'd made a bit of a fool of myself.later she told me that it made her feel much better .most of the neighbours had just come to find out what had happened to him rather than offer sympathy and support.I don't know why we feel so uncomfortable showing our emotions.It's part of the culture in this country I think.

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    1. I have always subscribed to the notion that something needs to be said....if the person involved does not want to continue the conversation, i take their lead.......

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  23. Bless your heart, John, and theirs. These things are never easy but you have made them a little less heavy for your friends.

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  24. I think we all know an energy vampire or two. And I suspect many of us have been one from time to time as well.
    I am glad that your hurting friends knew who to turn to.

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    1. Hmm, I have two vampires, my best friend that I am backing away from (she has opted to go on holiday at the last minute this week - its my birthday) she is not happy that I am not supporting her through her difficult time with her elderly mother as I have supported her through marriage and boyfriend breakups and ill health the last 12 years. And The FuckWit who is acting the way he used to when our kids were small and I had elderly parents to deal with, mind-f*cking me constantly, then acting confused like its my fault. I am so tired of it all.
      My horsey friend (comment below) has saved me.
      I keep smiling and joking, but inside I'm dying.
      x

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    2. (((Susan))) Sounds like it is time you tell your friend the caring needs to come the other way for a while, or goodbye. Same with the FW.

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    3. Thanks for the ((())), much welcome.
      It's the difficult pre-birthday day today.....the one where I am passive/aggressively grilled as to what I want or what to do. Just so that he can change it/forget/sabotage it/or just not do it. Wish me lucks, people.
      x
      Roll on thursday when I am going out for tea with horsey friend (apparently I have to wear floral *shakes head and laughs*)

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  25. I think what I hate most with grief of any kind is how the one who is suffering from the wretched emotion may say, "There are others who have it worse than me." Fuck that. You are entitled to feel pain, loss and not want to shower. You are entitled to a good cry and a bear hug. Just because someone elsewhere in the Universe may be worse off that you are at that exact moment does not mean you should dismiss your pain as something you have no right to feel.
    And for those people who don't know what to say when something tragic happens to someone you know, just hug that person and listen or cry with them. It is not about you at that moment. That moment is for the griever. As someone who worked in hospice, please visit those who have had great loss not just right after it happens, but six months from now when everyone fades away and expects you to get on with your life. That is when people need support the most. You John are a treasure. XO

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    1. I am a firm believer of " you feel what you feel"

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    2. My mum seemed to do so well for years, then at about 4 years after the loss of her partner, she has fallen in a bit of heap. That's the thing about bereavement, it just keeps on keeping on, and it can outlive your courage no matter how much you have. I came across a Society in the US that is for widows and widowers, so they can talk about their loss without feeling like they are imposing on loved ones, because people stop wanting to hear about them, like you are supposed to empty your mind and memories of the person you lived with and loved for all those years, and pretend they never happened? What the?

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    3. I despise the people who say "good things happen to good people" WHAT!
      Does that mean that only shit happens to bad people......Really?
      My (former) best friend doesn't believe in Depression..... apparently

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  26. Oh John, my dear horsey friend and I have had to deal with a total C-word of a man today whose company is transporting her daughters horse over to her in Belgium. It is a long journey and he is a highly strung arab. 'Beautiful Arseole' we call him. It was a terrible handover and he was taken straight from field to horsebox with no grooming, food or chance to say goodbye. the C-word had turned up an hour and half early with a too big vehicle for the yard and proceeded to act like a complete C-word. We were sobbing at the end seeing his little face stressed out in the window calling to the others and they were calling to him. My face hurts with the tears. Praying he doesn't break his legs with stress on the journey.
    I am a total horsey novice but am sucked in big time with stable duties in the pissing rain etc....I love it. Well it gets me away from The FuckWit.
    x
    Its my birthday wednesday and I think he will make it a non-day as usual. whatevs.

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    1. Sending you a big welsh fuck off hug

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    2. Oh dear, I'd have been balling too but I had to laugh at you calling him the Beautiful Arsehole. Being a fan of Arabians, I must say they do have rather an attitude but it is really all front. I knew mine loved me because she pulled grumpy faces at me less than at other people. She was mine heart and soul though. :) Also he is probably tough as nails under all that refined beauty. Arabians have bones like steel, developed for carrying heavy sheiks (and now endurance riders) over the desert for days at a time. Fingers crossed for him to have a safe journey all the same!

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    3. So sweet thoughts, thank you both. I'll mention it (somewhere) of his safe arrival.
      xx

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  27. Sadness seems to be a difficult emotion to allow others to see. I struggle with acknowledging the sadness to others and at times to myself . Strangely I shed more tears reading your blog than I do in my own life . Your gift John is talking about life in its realities , ageing pets , family members , death , change and other topics that we all relate to . In the comments we all respond and share our feelings . It's a wonderful little world you have created and I feel a sweet sense of belonging and camaraderie in your blog and feeling able to express me feelings xxx

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    1. I love an emotional romp
      It panders to my gay dramatic nature x

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  28. when did auntie glad turn 96? we didn't get to wish her a HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

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  29. For a few months I had to sit next to a chap at work who was miserable. Everything was moaned about, he could find nothing to be happy about. It really got me down in the end, I was so pleased when he was moved to another section!
    Lisa x

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    1. Being miserable is what makes some people happy!

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  30. You find the loveliest things tied to your door handle. I love that your scone fairy seems to call just when you need her to.

    I feel for sad people so much and can usually find the right things to say at the right time and let them talk when they need to talk. After a while in their company I usually bounce back and hope I've done some good, just as you will have done for your neighbours.

    But I find permanently negative/sad/miserable people, the ones that simply won't even look for the good in life or people to be mind sappingly draining. I need to recharge my batteries after a few hours with them,.

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  31. Quite right - the people who moan for no reason drive me nuts. Our support should be for those with genuine sorrow.

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  32. You understand how important and special it is that people who need comfort come to you, right? You have what it takes to give comfort. Not everyone does. I'm sure that is part of what makes you a good nurse.

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    1. Hello again...its been ages!

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  33. Excellent post ~ one worth remembering!

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