Friday, 1 May 2015

A Crap Behind The Goosehouse

Sorrel and The Prof are off to Manchester shopping today. They were up early getting ready, so I was left desperate for the bathroom for an absolute age.
Small cottages, I am afraid, only have one bathroom!
Finally I had to do something drastic and at 7am , after letting out the hens and the geese and Bingley,, with my legs crossed, I disappeared behind the goosehouse for a " quick squat"
Now.........
The goosehouse effectively screened me from the lane and from the neighbours' houses So I kind of relaxed into " the act" as I felt all " fresh" and warmed by the sun!
Suddenly there was a movement behind me and around a dozen hens appeared from nowhere  all of them eager to see what was being left for them. One of them even pecked at the label on my underpants.....they could have drawn more attention to me if they had walked over  carrying small placards with " JOHN'S TAKING A CRAFTY DUMP" written all over them.
By the time I was fishing around for some tissues, Bingley slowly steamed into view gobbling loudly to the world,  his tail fanned out ready for a hopeful shag.
Sometimes I need to remind myself I am nearly 53 years old!


68 comments:

  1. LOL. One bathroom, three adults... that is my life. Rather glad I don't have a goosehouse to be tempted by.

    Although there was the time when my brothers bet me I couldn't 'write' my name in the snow......

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  2. John is not content with dog shit today, he is entertaining you with his own ablutions. I am sure you will be rolling in the aisles.

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    1. Well obviosuly i'm not going to get a titter from you today!

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    2. It was the "suddenly there was a movement behind" that did it John.

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    3. I always use leaves when outside.

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  3. Replies
    1. Painting a pretty picture eh?
      Once inside your head......it will never leave.........

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    2. God .... that's true. ;-)

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  4. Oh John...get yourself a portable camping toilet and keep it in the closet. I feel your pain

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  5. OMG....my minds eye is blinded!

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  6. there are six adults in our house with one bathroom so i have occasionally found myself having a quick pee in the back yard.

    your ability to make anything into a good story, and your openness with your life are what bring people back here every day. it's great

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  7. hee hee hee! happy friday to you and yours, john! as usual, the first blog read of the day (yours) is ALWAYS entertaining, if not a little twisted.

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  8. Please don't eat the eggs for a few days!

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  9. Would the neighbours not have let you in to use their toilet?

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    Replies
    1. compost loo for future emergencies?

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  10. I now have the picture of you doing a poo behind the shed embedded in my mind ........

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    Replies
    1. I should have said " shit happens".....

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  11. I hope you buried it!!!

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  12. Well, I think that may have been just a little too much information. Yikes!

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  13. If I am working in the barn and desperate I confess to the same! I guess city/town dwellers do not understand...thanks for your ever entertaining posts!

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  14. I once had to run down a lane way in my pajamas to the public loos on a beach because despite knocking on the bathroom door at a cabin we were guests at, the occupant went decided I could wait while he used his electric shaver after his dump. Pee, poop, wash hands, get out....

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  15. Time to install a composting loo in the field?LOL! xx

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  16. Hahahaha!!! I remember once when I was a kid about 9 I think, me and my sister had broken into a shed of my dads down on our farm...we were inquisitive and it was raining... well I needed to go.. and I did... the floor was coated in wood shavings. Dad did a lot of woodwork in his shed...so I gently rolled my doodo in woodshavings. lol I hate to think who found it...My goodness, as an adult.. this memory makes me blush.. quite a lot.

    Jo in Auckland, NZ

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  17. I really do begin to wonder about the world you inhabit...

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  18. Well, that's a shitty anecdote! LOL....John's bringing in the May!

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  19. With me it was the hen having a peck at the label on your underpants. . . Priceless!! Once in Scotland me and hubby went to look at a fishing lake, as usual it was raining. I needed a wee and please remember us ladies have to get into the same position as you whatever we 'do'. Of course I was wearing trousers and I had just got trousers, panties into a reasonable position and started . . . when a black Labrador dog stuck its nose in my bum . . with its owner in sight. Oh lord, the shame. Andie xxx

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    Replies
    1. Oh No !
      Did you scream and jump 10 feet in the air.

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    2. Yes, I did !!. Later that day I saw a slightly older couple with two adorable children. There were baby frogs everywhere, the little lad was putting them into his pocket, his mother shouted over and told him not to touch the dirty frogs. He gave me a little look, then put some more in his pocket. I have often wondered about the drive home later on ! Love Andie xxx

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    3. I think it was a very exciting ride home !

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  20. Country folks are never shocked by outdoor activities of this sort, we completely understand. But........there's always a but (pun intended), your carefully honed story telling skills have painted such a vivid picture in our minds that I'm not 100% sure we will be able to poke out our mind's eye on this one.

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  21. As romantic as the British country cottage seems, I have to admit our multiplicity of bathrooms is one part of the American lifestyle I enjoy.

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  22. Hahahahahaha! Something similar has happened to me. Embarrassing, but is always a good laugh later.

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  23. Have been out hunting many times when someone descreetly disappears to "go"...try it while holding the reins of a horse that wants to be with its friends....

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  24. One good turd deserves another john

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  25. Well that just ruined my breakfast, can’t stop laughing to swallow.

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  26. I'm just glad you had the foresight to take paper with you but wondering what you did with it. Noooo, don't tell us.

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  27. Forgot to ask, who dealt with the clingons and did you use bleach?

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  28. OMG...you never cease to amaze me !! I can see one of the hens running off with the used tissue flapping from it's beak with the whole flock after her to get a piece of the prize; and Bingley with a grin on his face and glazed eyes strutting back and forth behind you admiring the full moon. Now I must go and clean my keyboard of spewed coffee. Thanks for the bloody good laugh.

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  30. Having survived to the age of 62 with only a single bathroom wherever I lived, and constantly feeling desperate for Jenny or whoever to vacate, we now have a house with a bathroom, a cloakroom and an en suite. Sheer bliss!

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  31. Stick and flick?

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    Replies
    1. I've just had an hours sleep
      And on reflection, i think i should have kept quiet about my early morning toilet experiences

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  32. John, I used to look out the window at my cornmudgeon brother, of whom I've written extensively, and see him come out of the barn, stand behind the Willys he was always working on, and take a leak. No mind traffic came down the road, no mind I could look out the window and see him. He did make the trip to the house for other bathroom needs. You brought it all back.......

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  33. What kind of crazy people get ready to go shopping before 7am?

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  34. Your life is one mad escapade after another.

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  35. Hahahaaa....no words...happy weekend to you all!
    hughugs

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  36. hahahahaha It is May !st and the image I have is one of a village fair and children dancing around a May pole. Well thanks to John no more. What a hoot.
    I love the line "suddenly behind me ...." to perfect.
    A small Bathroom/garden shed is called for.

    cheers, parsnip
    ummmmm I have 4 bathrooms and 1 outdoor shower. So happy !

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  37. ...and that is why I love to visit!!!

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  38. OMG!! TMI! You really are too much. Does Chris read your blog? Or better yet, does the mil read your blog?

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  39. Stop making me laugh, I have a chest infection and it hurts !! :)

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  40. When ya gotta go, ya gotta go ...
    *shrugs*

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  41. I think I need a brain bleach now! But it reminded me of the time I had just squatted for a much needed pee in a French wood (not well hidden from the path) when a dog and owner arrived along the forest path. I could do no more than continue with a cheery "Bonjour!" When you're in mid-flow you can't stop!

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  42. Long time reader first time comment. Don't ever change you are my daily delight. Tech support( my grandson) has just hooked me up to google a/ c so that I can comment.

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  43. When you said one pecked at your underpants tag I almost spit out my mouthful of coffee.

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  44. So did Bingley shag you or not or is that unnatural union to be covered in your next post? No wonder Bernard Matthews had a twinkle in his eye when he said his Golden Norfolks were "Boo-tiful"! Dirty old bugger.

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    Replies
    1. Sorry but i went to work last night so didnt reply to comments
      Xxx

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  45. You need a Thunderbox in the Ukranian Village....for these kind of emergencies.
    http://www.2daloo.com/

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  46. Oh my, so funny! And I feel embarrassed trying for a crafty WEE outdoors!

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  47. Read your blog, had to comment with some heartfelt advice. Avoid bracken leaves at all costs. Kills ...

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