Wednesday, 25 March 2015

Operation Fanny Smell

In my fantasy life...the cottage always smells of camomile and lavender.
In reality, at this time of spring, the cottage, indeed the village, stinks of muck spreading.
The prevailing wind is invariably from the west, and the fields beyond Trelawnyd have been covered in a particularly rancid concoction of shite recently so this resulted in an overwhelming sense of "sewer" about the place
It reminds me of one of our made up Abba song verses we used to sing as kids
"There was something in the air last night,
It stank of shite,,,,,
Fernando"

The Fields West

Add to this mix, the delights of last night's home made curry, three terriers in dire need of a bath and Winifred's not-so-fragrant fanny and you have the recipe for a home that Oscar the grouch would be proud of.
Usually, on a bright day like today the answer to cottage smells would be open the windows to the spring breeze but all that will do today is to bring the muck spreading inside, so with a mop and bucket, a bath full of foam, enough cleaning stuff to re open Woolworths and a big soapy fanny cloth at the ready....I am to reclaim the cottage back into a fragrant land of the living
The stinky fanny culprit

First things first, I scrubbed Winnie's fanny until it gleamed then dipped each of the terriers in turn into the bath before facing off the soft furnishings. I've even squirted some of my expensive clinque  "Happy" on the bed linen!

perhaps the best thing to do today is to just to smear vicks underneath our noses
Even in the Great Welsh Countryside there is no fresh air





81 comments:

  1. That heading will make your all your female readers take a sharp intake of breath as they cross their legs quickly.

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  2. It is good that i don't read headings and even if i read i have to google some words. i like the look on Winnie's face.

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  3. Yes, Winnie does look a tad too content, considering...............................

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  4. Same around here, though no smelly fannies to wash lol! xx

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  5. Ewww muck spreading is the WORST, they're at it down here in Cornwall too and no matter how long I live in the countryside (15 years now) I don't think I will ever get used to it. My farmer friends all claim to love the smell but I reckon it's just that their noses don't work any more after a life-time of muck spreading lol :-)

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    Replies
    1. It invades everything does it not?

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  6. Ah- but we can all benefit from a good fanny scrubbing now and then.

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    Replies
    1. Dear Ms. Moon, please see my reply to anne marie in philly. I am now pondering a new professional opportunity...

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  7. At least it is nice and fresh in the cottage now despite the stinky fields. What has happened to the text John? The writing is so tiny compared to usual.

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  8. Oh, the joys of having multiple pets!

    My dog George not only gets really dirty and stinky between baths, but he's always farting and it's terrible! The other day a friend was visiting and when she leaned over to pet him he cut one! Yuck! Then he looked confused when we ran!! LOL

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    Replies
    1. It took me half an hour to scrub the bath clean afterwards

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  9. I live beside a field that is sprayed with a noxious slurry of aged cow manure twice a year. They must be doing something 'special' to it recently, as one cannot go outside without donning a hazmat suit.

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  10. best abba lyrics EVAH (and I despise abba)!

    I am reading this post at work and I really needed a good laugh; would you scrub my fanny?

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    Replies
    1. In a word
      " no!"

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    2. I KNEW you were going to say that! :)

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    3. What anne marie said!

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    4. I might consider giving you a scrub, anne marie (but would it be worth a trip all the way to, presumably Philadelphia)? Worth it for me, I mean.

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    5. You dirty old fart

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    6. @andrew - I like boys; do you like girls or boys?

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    7. I am a happily and long-married man anne marie (married to a lovely lady), but I'm sure my lady would understand if I had to venture out to help a damsel in distress... (or perhaps, as John claims, I'm just a dirty old fart).

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    8. long-married chick (to a guy) here; you can come to philadelphia but you MUST wear a kilt! we can be dirty old farts together!

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  11. Call me sick but I have always liked that smell. The muck that is, you can keep Winnies fanny.

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  12. Oh, how beautifully muck makes things grow.

    Winnie has such a face!

    Your titles draw me in...poor Winnie. She takes the blame so stoically.

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  13. We put our own friesian toilette slurry John. I think pig slurry s far more smelly than cow slurry.

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    Replies
    1. Pig muck as i recall makes me gag.......

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  14. You getting a bit selective in your replies these day cock.

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    Replies
    1. Just been busy tiday fanny x

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    2. Ach you should've told me John. Rachel would've loved to hear from me.

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    3. Fuck off Andrew.

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    4. Ah Rachel, remembering that you told me your use of that particular request means you like someone, I am deeply touched by your sweet, if unconventional, assurance of your liking me. You know some people might misunderstand you though? More conventional terms of endearment may be worth a try. xx

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    5. Piss off Andrew, I am not in a good mood tonight.

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  15. best laugh I've had all day x

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  16. Weaver has had a few post on the slurry of the fields. Not a great smell. Light the candles.

    cheers, parsnip

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  17. My mother-in-law used to call that slurry stink the "scent of prosperity" for it meant a good harvest later. :)

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    Replies
    1. Thats why thefarmers love it...

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  18. Thanks for your version of ABBA. I will forever hear the song that way.

    Have I mentioned how romantic I thought it would be to visit Trelawnyd? I take it back.

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    1. LOL Mitchell, I'd thought the same...

      Then again, having grown up on a farm, I'm used to it.

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    2. Trelawnyd ? Romantic?
      Wow never

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  19. Watch out for a red, Vicks related moustache John. Most unattractive. x

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  20. Muck-spreading - they're all at it John. The farmer even did our paddock next to the house yesterday and when I got home it smelled as bad inside the house as it did outside. Today it seems to have gone off and everything is back to normal - or I have got used to it.

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  21. When we had to go in to our bachelor uncles apt for important papers (he lived out of state and traveled often so it went un noticed that he had passed away in his sleep 2 weeks prior) we were warned to put Vicks up our noses and get in and out quickly.

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    Replies
    1. Was he a serial killer?

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  22. Hmmm....that's not why our mother smeared the stuff under our noses. I hope.

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  23. Farm fresh air...you can't beat it...no, really...you can't beat it.

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  24. Hahaha, you see once again this is why I read your blog.... love, love, love it. As a kid I lived on a bird farm in Kent, and next to it was a chicken farm...the smell was intolerable when the wind blew our way.
    I think chicken shit must be the worst!!

    Jo in Auckland, NZ

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    Replies
    1. Its the acid jo.....its like the blood of the alien in aliens

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  25. Take deep breaths and it'll soon go away.
    Jane x

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  26. I could never eclipse you in the heading department, but - if I tried - I would lose all of my few followers in one go. It's a kind of magic...

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    1. Well your last " russel crowe is a cu*t "
      Was an eye catcher

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    2. I would never have got away with a heading about fanny smells whatever; my reputation is bad enough as it is. It would have been a zero comments post for me that's for sure.

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    3. Hahaha! You guys floor me!!

      Jo in Auckland, NZ

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  27. The fields round here stink at the moment, happy to say though there are no dodgy fanny smells :)
    Twiggy x

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  28. "I scrubbed Winnie's fanny until it gleamed"

    I bet she enjoyed that.

    And many a man would love to be living in a cottage full of fanny smell (using the UK meaning of the term, of course).

    And finally, that look of disdain on Winnie's face just says, "You can clean all you want, but I'll be back."

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    Replies
    1. Mrs Trellis has just called around for a cup of tea
      In front of her Winnie has been fanny rubbing on the carpet like mad!

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    2. Well after all, she has a lot of work to do to refresh the house after all the damage you have done. It sounds like a perpetual war (with Winnie always winning the day even if you claim occasional battles).

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  29. I got three stables to muck out tomorrow, Indigo pi**es an ocean so it can be a bit acrid, but generally horse poo smells ok, sort of sweet as they're fed on haylage and grass etc. Though when Pikita looks me in the eye and lets fly a huge stream of pi$$, I wonder what she's thinking!
    No fanny rubbing here, not since 2008 (I'm not kidding).
    sigh
    x
    PS I don't want to scare you or anything......but I had a long and involved dream last night that I visited your village (involving several train journeys and took a whole 2 hours!!!) and turned up at a flower show meeting and became an uninvited guest, bringing along Alfie-dog who piddled up the walls......yeah I know, scary.......I was a tad disconcerted to say the least!
    Don't worry, I don't even go to The Big Town for shopping anymore
    double sigh

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    Replies
    1. We are having our first meeting fairly soon
      I'll look out for you

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    2. bwahahahahahahaaaa............
      ahem
      stable duties in the pi**ing down rain
      not fun

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  30. Nothing looks nicer than a gleaming, freshly scrubbed fanny.

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    Replies
    1. I can think of ONE thing

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  31. When we first had our house built, every once in a while when the wind was just right....there was a eye-burning smell of shite.
    When we questioned the builder, he informed us he had used soil from his dad's pig farm to fill in around the foundation.
    Swine.
    ~Jo

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  32. John "Happy" by Clinique is my favourite fragrance....the house should smell great...not too sure what to do about Winnie's fanny though...poor girl !

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  33. From now on I shall sing Fernando with your lyrics.

    Love,
    Janie

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  34. It's an uphill battle, isn't it?

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  35. When you finish there my house/dogs could use a spring fresh-up. Bless you, you have more energy than I do, I plan to wait until I can open windows.
    Cheers Peter

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  36. Sounds like somebody needs to develop a "douche for dogs".

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  37. I love it when people talk about cleaning.Can smell your fresh home and feel your satisfaction.Well done!

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  38. I was raised in the 'fresh country air", any wonder I live in the city. It was rather fragrant when the farm across the road changed over to pigs - intensive breeding operation.

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  39. That's a cute fanny culprit.

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  40. FDS for bulldogs?

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  41. Hahahaaa....too cute!
    hughgs

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  42. No muck-spreading here in Belfast, but there's a sewage works on the other side of Belfast Lough and if the wind's blowing in the wrong direction there's a distinctly unsavoury whiff.

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  43. That turkey looks just like my Tom! Bourbon Red?

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