Monday, 9 March 2015

Molestation


Once a day I get molested.
No, It's not Chris giving me his " come hither" expression that has me all of a dither
Nor is it the ever cheerful postman sticking something with the instructions " do not bend" through our letter box
No indeed, for once a day 25 kilos of  bulldog demand a lap cuddle.
Now, I doubt many of you have been on the receiving end of an amorous and hormonal fat  bitch with saggy knockers ( Tom Stevenson excluded perhaps) but it's not the nicest of experiences, especially when you are trying to watch the tv, have a sneaky nap or, in my case, write a mass of thank you letters.
Now Winnie doesn't climb up onto my lap for long. She's happy with a five minute hug, and a robust bout of face to face kissing before clambering down onto the floor satisfied that I still love the bones of her.
I'm glad that the object of her affection is centred totally on me and not any visitors we have up for tea.
I dont think the vicar could have coped with the fanny stains

67 comments:

  1. It's nice to know that once a day, regardless of how good or bad the day has been, you will get some affection (whether you want it or not).

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  2. It is also nice to know that you are loved by all whose lives you affect.

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    1. I hate being a pure sex object though susan

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  3. How wonderful to be loved like that.

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    Replies
    1. It fucks up your thighs though!

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  4. It is good to be wanted!

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  5. I was about to protest, then I read on. Another quotable line - vicars and fanny-stains, etc.

    That photo had me worried - it looks like a chubby choirboy doing something unspeakable to someone in fur coat and looking up in adoration at the same time.. Maybe it is.

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    1. Ok time for weightwatchers again

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    2. A muff of some sort comes to mind.

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    3. Hahaha!!

      Jo in Auckland, NZ

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  6. The things we will do for our pets!

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    1. I have very little choice over the whole situation jimbo

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  7. That Winnie, she lumbered into your terrier dominated existence and just stole you heart didn't she. Reminds me of that Elvis song - The Wonder Of you.

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    1. I love the way she just needs to touch base for 5 minutes
      After that shes away

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    2. She's probably just wiping her mouth and fanny at the same time. You may be a mere dirty rag to her lad...

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    3. I am a trick towel?
      Omg

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  8. All I can say so far is that marriage has not changed you one tiny bit!

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    1. And it never will patricia x

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  9. I always read molestation as 'mole station', even more so at the moment while we have a resident mole in Chicken World that keeps popping up in the most ridiculous places. Rosy sits at the last mole hill made waiting for him to reappear ... but she hasn't caught him yet!!

    I think it's lovely that Winnie loves you so much that she HAS to sit on your knee for five minutes every day for a cuddle .... and even lovelier that you oblige :-)

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    Replies
    1. Sue , i caught several chickens killing a mole once.....

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  10. We had a German Shephere bitch who would launch herself into the nearest lap when she was feeling deprived of affection. Often a painful kind of love.

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    Replies
    1. Big dogs have the same needs as lap dogs

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  11. There once was a very Great Dane, she would wait until I was engrossed with a book or the TV and reverse onto my lap. There she stayed as long as she wanted, it would have taken dynamite or a JCB to move her. Mind you, there were no wet patches to concern me.

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    1. And i thought winnie had a big fanny

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  12. "the receiving end of an amorous and hormonal fat bitch with saggy knockers " - sounds exactly like me! although I am so NOT your type, john...(hee hee)

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    1. I'd need counselling if you got your knockers out

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    2. and an ice bag for your 2 black eyes (hee hee)!

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    3. Get em under control my girl

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  13. So good to have you back...

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    1. They cant put the fat guy downfor long....

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  14. hahahahahahahahahaha an so life goes on !

    cheers, parsnip

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    1. You cant keep a wet fanny down...

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  15. Nothing like the love of a good dog.

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  16. Ha ha ha ha ha, all comment above made me have a little wet patch of my own! Bless Winnie. X

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  17. Ah normal service has resumed.

    The last sentence reads like something from a Country House Murder Mystery.

    Hope Winnie, Albert et al enjoyed their wedding cake!

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  18. That was a rather lovely Winnie story. Rather like Pam's story I know an extremely large Great Dane who weighs 66kg, quite a bit more than me! This lovely dog always tries to sit on my lap. We had a bit of a disaster one day when I was sitting on a plastic garden chair and she tried to sit on my lap! The chair wobbled dangerously and I thought I was trapped under an enormous dog and a chair teetering on the edge of collapse. Thankfully I managed to get out from under the dog .

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  19. I have to say the titles on your blog posts are intriguing! I actually would be honored if Winnie crawled up onto my lap...and I can say dog poo smears are not unheard of here, either, with a corgi who often has bits hanging from her butt...or ones that have dropped on to the floor....

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    1. Fanny stains are not the same thing in the UK X

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  20. God that dog loves you. Lucky you x

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  21. Awww it's like having a big hug from a stinky, slobbering toddler (apart from the fanny stains) Hope you had the fanny cloth to hand x

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    1. The FANNY has been wiped twice tonight x

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  22. I think my other half may have been on the receiving end of an amorous fat bitch on more than one occasion but he's never called me a dog

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    1. Lol ,..........itsnot an insult x

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  23. "I don't think the vicar could have coped with the fanny stains"

    Oh I don't know. Many vicars are not quite what they seem.

    And it is indeed unfortunate and confusing that transatlantic types use the F word to mean significantly different geographical locations on the female form. Can cause problems (as can their different use of pissed).

    I do suspect you may be the only blogger on the planet who records how many fanny wipes he has administered in an evening. Perhaps you could add a little sidebar widget to keep track of that.

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  24. It reminds me of that interview with Princess Diana - "There were three in my marriage"!

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    1. You forget meg, william , albert, george, in the mix

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  25. aaaah...never knock affection from wherever it arrives (unless it's a priest)

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  26. Normality returns! Well at least the Going Gently kind of normality... see this is why I read...if ever I have a blah day I know reading your blog will have me chuckling in the wink of an eye.... all helped along by several of your readers/commentors who's minds work along the same way as mine...bloody brilliant. Winnie could sit on my lap any day and I wouldn't care about wet patches... she is just adorable.

    Jo in Auckland, NZ

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    1. Jo....my wiork here is done x

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  27. Okay, you have just given me ammunition for the next time my husband says anything about wanting a Newfoundland dog (I am just under five feet tall). Thank you! But, awww, Winnie ... there's a good girl ... :)

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  28. She just wants a hug, and you are so hugable

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  29. Although there are other considerations at my age, you've convinced me to never, ever, get another dog.
    Belated toast to your nuptials, John.
    Mike

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  30. I bet it worked wonders for your handwriting.

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  31. Such randy comments! This place is going to the dogs... the big, slobbery, saggy-dugged, fanny-staining dogs!

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  32. At least she stays long enough for you be sure of her intentions ... the whippets launch themselves into laps as part of their nightly wall of death routine and then move on microseconds later ... we are just human trampolines to them.

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  33. Cute! Olga does the same for us, but she never wants to get down. (Granted, she is a tad lighter.)

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  34. Nothing like the love of a good dog.

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  35. Ain't love grand, even if it leaves stains.

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  36. It's wonderful to be loved.

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