Oooouch


I couldn't get the Marks' Cummerbund around my guts .
Chris had opened the box, expecting us to buy the bloody thing straight off
But it didn't fit.
The bloody thing didn't fit.
It was too small.
Even " extended" to it's fullest extension.
It was too small
This was in the centre of the shop, with men in pork pie hats giving me pitying looks as they walked past with their easy crease pants in their hands.
I felt like Julia Roberts down Rodeo Drive in Pretty Woman
( but without the teeth and the big hair)

I don't deal with embarrassment well.
I tend to experience it as its big sister ..the slightly more powerful emotion of humiliation .
And no one does humiliation well.

We can all remember humiliating experiences as if they occurred only yesterday. A fall in public, toilet paper down the leg of your pants, a drunken wrong word, a Mega fart over a vegetable freezer in Aldi ( one of my best btw) all of them take me back to childhood, when I was picked last for games, embarrassed by unenlightened teachers or shown up by parents who should have known better.
Embarrassment can be coped with by having a good sense of humour ( which I have)
Humiliation just has to be endured .

..... Well I survived the cummerbund experience...just..........
And by the way...the suit fits mighty fine

105 comments:

  1. Nobody you know who could make you a bespoke one? Or far be it for me to tell you to lay off the scotch eggs and cake for a month!!lol x

    ReplyDelete
  2. so ditch the damn cummerbund; it's unnecessary. you will look just as handsome.

    "a Mega fart over a vegetable freezer in Aldi ( one of my best btw)" - I bet it was! and this made me laugh to start my day, because (a) I am 12 and (b) farts are funny.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We have decided on no cummerbunds and we are ditching the bow ties for slimline black ones

      Delete
    2. Anonymous12:43 pm

      Add dark glasses, you can be The Blues Brothers!

      Delete
    3. Will smith MEN IN BLACK

      Delete
    4. Anonymous3:31 pm

      Okay, I give up, Will Smith is infinitely cooler!

      Delete
    5. And blacker!
      Perhaps I will look a little more like a fatter Tommy Lee Jones

      Delete
    6. will smith is a philly boy, yo! recognize!

      Delete
    7. Clicks fingers......respect

      Delete
  3. You are right when you say that having a good sense of humour about it helps. That's always my go-to when things like that happen :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I lost a little of my famous sense of humour believe me

      Delete
  4. tie a big scarf around your waist and be a Matador! ole!

    Channeling Antonio Banderas as Zorro. Corrr hes a bit of stuff!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Who needs cummerbunds anyway!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous1:06 pm

      Right. How can you eat?

      Delete
    2. I keep seeing the Cummerbatch

      Delete
    3. Stick a picture of the Cummerbatch on the inside of your belt then if anyone asks why you're not wearing a cummerbund .... you can flash your Cummerbatch ;-)

      Delete
  6. Cummerbands are so 'Last Year'. Just look dashing and enjoy your big day. ...... without farting preferably

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'll make sure I'll pop out to the promenade to let rip x

      Delete
    2. I'll keep off the prom that day then ;-)

      Delete
  7. I would have suggested white waistcoats and bow ties to accompany your dinner jackets, but now that you've gone for cummerbunds....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We've now gone with long black ties
      Aka men in black
      Not a cummerbund in sight x

      Delete
    2. And sunglasses, I trust?

      Delete
  8. okay you want to look smart, but you do need to be comfortable as well. Chris is not marrying you for how you look in a smart suit; he is marrying you because you are "you." Just saying........

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If I don't look the part....it'll be the fastest divorce in gay marriage history

      Delete
  9. You'll both look great! Cummerbund or no.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Cumberbund = Cumbersome.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Cumberbatch= slightly unfortunate racist comment

      Delete
  11. You might be able to buy an oversized cumberbund from "Mr Big" at the bottom of The Moor in Sheffield. Failing that why not try www.bigmenonline.co.uk
    Ask for a Benedict Cumberbund!

    ReplyDelete
  12. No reason to be embarrassed, they made the thing to small for a real person.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Buy some brightly colored suspenders so when the coats come off at the reception, which they inevitably will, both of you make a splash.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Suspenders?

      Jo in Auckland, NZ

      Delete
    2. Braces, Jo. Suspenders is what we call them across the Pond.

      Delete
  14. Cummerbunds are highly over-rated!

    ReplyDelete
  15. Try being a woman and trying on things. At least we're not expected to wear cummerbunds. And honestly- how can anything with the name of "cummerbund" be something anyone on this earth needs to wear?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I have seen a trendy pair of braces that I am going to wear too

      Delete
  16. I'm so glad that you are going with long black ties …..
    Just wanted to clear up my comment over at Tom's the other day ….. it is a line from an old film that my Dad used to say as in, ' Not Billy The Kid …anyone but him ' but, I would have to be face to face so that you could hear me saying it to know what I meant !!!! { I think that I'm digging myself an even bigger hole !! } XXXX

    ReplyDelete
  17. Anonymous1:46 pm

    I never did quite get the 'cummerbund thing' anyway. Just another place to trap crumbs I'm thinking and they certainly don't look good on 'substantial' men.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Lol...........I'll never pick one up again!

      Delete
  18. That is bizarre, we watched Pretty Woman last night... ( strange story really - man hires prostitute, falls out with best friend over prostitute - decides to marry prostitute after just a week, having been such a batchelor all his life...) Anyway, I haven't had internet for a few days and missed your post about TWD! I am so excited, I seem to have set Sky to record it at 9pm, 10pm and in the wee hours of the morning....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes I hate the story too..it gIves hooking a kind of fairy tail status!
      I am soooo looking forward to episode 9 too!,,,

      Delete
  19. So now I know what is commerbund. And i know that the word entered English vocabulary via India.(wikiepedia).Indian people are small and thin i think, So who need commerbund.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Clearly that suit came with a defective cummerbund. They should knock a few bucks off the price for that.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Good I came late to the party and need only add the cummerbund was defective. Obviously.

    ReplyDelete
  22. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  23. .John I deleted the spelling mistake in the above comment.
    What I meant to say was - an elasticated insert in the back of the cummerbund (what colour by the way?), a month sans Scotch Eggs and that is your problem solved. In any case - what's a cummberbund between husbands?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I picked up a scotch egg today in Tesco and replaced it with a diet coke

      Delete
  24. So I won't need to pack mine then?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Not unless you have two sewn together

      Delete
    2. I've never had that problem...

      Delete
    3. You have the waist of an eleven year old boy

      Delete
  25. You could try black duct tape John, one size fits all. This coming from a man who joined a gym 3 weeks ago, but hasn't been yet.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Now there's an idea........I can sense Dr Chris' eyebrow is starting to twitch

      Delete
  26. Please don't give up scotch eggs for fashion! It's never worth it!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well just for a month E! Just for a month x

      Delete
  27. :) I so enjoy reading your blog! I have just started mine.. You have such a great sense of humour :)) Thank you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. What's your blog name? I cannot access it from your name?

      Delete
  28. In the Navy we called them 'crumbcatchers'...because that is their only purpose.
    Jane x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No more cummerbunds jane...........they have been fired

      Delete
  29. How about these for suspenders: http://www.spencersonline.com/product/bd-wd-zombies-faces-suspender/

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh I so ooooo want some of these........
      It's on tonight here in the UK btw!

      Delete
  30. I've just had to google to find out what a cummerbund is! Please excuse my ignorance - men up here wear kilts to weddings. What is the purpose of a cummerbund? Might be of use if your trouser button pops off or for holding one's gut in! It's lost on me ...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The cummerbund was first adopted by British military officers in colonial India as an alternative to a waistcoat, and later spread to civilian use.

      Delete
    2. They're worn more at (really)posh weddings. Ladies can also wear cummerbunds.

      Delete
    3. That's not to infer that your wedding won't be 'posh'! I appear to be digging myself a hole, also!

      Delete
  31. Sorry, I have to inject a bit of negativity here. Black ties should only be worn at a funeral. Please think again, otherwise I will be forced to come down there and take you both shopping (something I abhor) for suitable neck wear. I mean it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh dear ....black ties, I am afraid it is

      Delete
    2. Right... I'll email you my ETA for next Saturday, be ready!

      Delete
  32. Cummberbund schmumberbund, if you were marrying me, I'd let you stuff your face witch scotch eggs and wear what you like. I might draw the line at pjs under your trousers though, even I have a few standards :)
    Twiggy
    PS I'd rather wear a Cumberbatch, especially if he was playing Sherlock, but that's a completely different story !

    ReplyDelete
  33. The fact it didn't fit means nothing except that they cater to only one type of figure. Having said that, I feel your pain. Dust for lunch for me, too!

    ReplyDelete
  34. Well, who needs a cummerbund anyway? I'm sure the suit will be absolutely spiffing. And I doubt if the other men were giving you pitying looks. Sympathetic looks more likely as they contemplate their own over-large bellies.

    Ha, there's a coincidence. I see you've just this second commented on my own blog!

    ReplyDelete
  35. It's a little thing, literally apparently, in the grand scene of things. Exchange it or do without and smile through:)

    ReplyDelete
  36. Well, you could've gone to the nearest fabric shop and bought a few yards of whatever took your fancy and simply wrapped yourself in it. A couple of safety pins at the back, and you're home and hosed. Room to stow a few scotch eggs too, in case you got peckish!

    ReplyDelete
  37. Ouch. Glad you have decided they are unnecessary. And very, very glad the suit fits.

    ReplyDelete
  38. I've lost half a stone in the last six weeks just by cutting out cake. Terrifying how many calories just a small slice has, and I was 'going large' as the smarmy man at the Waitrose coffee counter put it to me the other day. "No thank you" I said politely after ordering my 'skinny latte', a phrase which makes me cringe and feel desperately self conscious at my age. Nothing like a fart over the frozen veg though. I'd like to have seen and heard that! xx

    ReplyDelete
  39. You will look great whatever John and so will Chris although I don't even know himxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

    ReplyDelete
  40. Cummerbunds are so yesterday.... glad the suit fitted.... Chris will love you no matter what you wear!

    Jo in Auckland, NZ

    ReplyDelete
  41. I was going to say that Cummerbands are over rated but Jim beat me to it !

    So glad you ditched them & the bow ties. Looking forward to the photos xx

    ReplyDelete
  42. John. I am so pleased you ditched the cummerbunds. They are SO 1980s. I almost had a conniption yesterday when you mentioned them, and have been hoping you did. Yay!!
    Next, and most importantly, the cummerbund is t fault, not you. If one size is meant to fit all then it bloody well ought to fit! You're quite within a normal range of male sizing. HOWEVER, please bear in mind that the primary market for them is school balls. So, the size range they have in mind is skinny teenage boys.
    Any humiliation you feel is misplaced. REALLY. Save it for the supermarket freezer farts! ;-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. P.S, trust me, I am a Wedding and Formal wear Professional ;-)

      Delete
    2. Thanks for that sweetie

      Delete
    3. And you know that if you had your heart set on wearing the bloody things I'd have made you a matching pair. Because if you're going to do it, do it with style eh! xo

      Delete
  43. John, I am so glad you've ditched the cummerbunds and bow ties, not a good look for grown-ups. The "men in black" look is much sexier!

    ReplyDelete
  44. I didn't realise cummerbunds came in sizes, I thought you just wrapped a swathe of material around you - how ridiculous. I'd go for suspenders if I were you; much more chic. Don't worry you will look great and Chris will be bursting with pride as you stand next to him. xx
    My most memorable uber embarrassment was trying on a fleece, it was lovely and snug with a furry lining which unfortunately turned out to have a lot of static that decided to stick to my tshirt. I ended up having to have a shop assistant pull it off me in the middle of the shop as I tried desperately to hang onto the tshirt and my shredded dignity. The shop assistant gave a final hard tug and I lost hold of my shirt just as one of my senior managers walked into the shop. The red lacy bra was probably a mistake that day.........!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Your red lacy bra makes me feel a whole lot better x

      Delete
    2. Am surprised it fitted you, but then I don't know Curvywitch.

      Delete
  45. Just ditch the cummerbund. Who needs it ? And they are a bit out of date anyway.

    I think you will look dead cool ‘sans’ purple satin around the waist. Who’s idea was that, anyway?

    ReplyDelete
  46. How about just plain buck naked? teasing

    I am very sure both of you will look handsome. Weddings put too much pressure on couples.

    My husband said when we were married, I love your hair that way. I said, take a good look because it will never look this way again. It took my sister hours to make ringlets to go with my Juliet dress.

    ReplyDelete
  47. John, I'm sure with a doubt, you will look fine! As long as Chris is there, what else is necessary? I was also the last one picked for teams. Couldn't get a date in high school to save my life! My heart bleeds for the teenagers I teach when the awkwardness seems to overwhelm them. I try to be sympathetic but you are right. You just have to endure. "That which does not kill us, makes us stronger." But it still hurts like hell...

    ReplyDelete
  48. Uh, ahem, that first line was supposed to read, "without a doubt." Damn, should've proofread it first. But you get the idea.

    ReplyDelete
  49. If Michael Gambon could carry off wearing a very fetching one in 'The Cook, the Thief, His Wife and her Lover' (WHAT? Not seen? It's a MUST!) then surely YOU can. Try and get one like his which changes colour as you go from room to room, as does the glorious Helen Mirren's dress (or should that be Helen Mirren's glorious dress?).

    ReplyDelete
  50. I had to wear a cummerbund when I was waitressing at a ritzy restaurant. Tuxedo front shirt, black bow tie, studs, and the cummerbund. Black trousers, too ;-) This was ages ago, but the cummberbunds came in different sizes, and all were adjustable. At the time, I was quite slim, so I got the smallest size, but they were based on your waist size, so you had an idea what size would likely fit.
    The one problem I see often when men wear bow ties is that the ties invariably go crooked, and I want to run up and readjust them.

    If your cummerbunds were going to be a different colour from your suit, perhaps your ties can be the same colour as what the cummerbund was going to be? Long, black ties are nice, too, although it may be a more solemn look than you intend.

    ReplyDelete
  51. Cummerbunds are tacky anyway. A beautiful white shirt and silk tie with your suit would look very handsome and polished

    ReplyDelete

I love all comments Except abusive ones from arseholes