Monday, 9 February 2015

Oooouch


I couldn't get the Marks' Cummerbund around my guts .
Chris had opened the box, expecting us to buy the bloody thing straight off
But it didn't fit.
The bloody thing didn't fit.
It was too small.
Even " extended" to it's fullest extension.
It was too small
This was in the centre of the shop, with men in pork pie hats giving me pitying looks as they walked past with their easy crease pants in their hands.
I felt like Julia Roberts down Rodeo Drive in Pretty Woman
( but without the teeth and the big hair)

I don't deal with embarrassment well.
I tend to experience it as its big sister ..the slightly more powerful emotion of humiliation .
And no one does humiliation well.

We can all remember humiliating experiences as if they occurred only yesterday. A fall in public, toilet paper down the leg of your pants, a drunken wrong word, a Mega fart over a vegetable freezer in Aldi ( one of my best btw) all of them take me back to childhood, when I was picked last for games, embarrassed by unenlightened teachers or shown up by parents who should have known better.
Embarrassment can be coped with by having a good sense of humour ( which I have)
Humiliation just has to be endured .

..... Well I survived the cummerbund experience...just..........
And by the way...the suit fits mighty fine

105 comments:

  1. Nobody you know who could make you a bespoke one? Or far be it for me to tell you to lay off the scotch eggs and cake for a month!!lol x

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    1. I'm now eating dust for lunch

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  2. so ditch the damn cummerbund; it's unnecessary. you will look just as handsome.

    "a Mega fart over a vegetable freezer in Aldi ( one of my best btw)" - I bet it was! and this made me laugh to start my day, because (a) I am 12 and (b) farts are funny.

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    1. We have decided on no cummerbunds and we are ditching the bow ties for slimline black ones

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    2. Add dark glasses, you can be The Blues Brothers!

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    3. Will smith MEN IN BLACK

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    4. Okay, I give up, Will Smith is infinitely cooler!

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    5. And blacker!
      Perhaps I will look a little more like a fatter Tommy Lee Jones

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    6. will smith is a philly boy, yo! recognize!

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    7. Clicks fingers......respect

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  3. You are right when you say that having a good sense of humour about it helps. That's always my go-to when things like that happen :)

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    1. I lost a little of my famous sense of humour believe me

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  4. tie a big scarf around your waist and be a Matador! ole!

    Channeling Antonio Banderas as Zorro. Corrr hes a bit of stuff!

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    1. I'd look like sorry the gay blade!

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  5. Who needs cummerbunds anyway!!

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    Replies
    1. Right. How can you eat?

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    2. I keep seeing the Cummerbatch

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    3. Stick a picture of the Cummerbatch on the inside of your belt then if anyone asks why you're not wearing a cummerbund .... you can flash your Cummerbatch ;-)

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  6. Cummerbands are so 'Last Year'. Just look dashing and enjoy your big day. ...... without farting preferably

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    1. I'll make sure I'll pop out to the promenade to let rip x

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    2. I'll keep off the prom that day then ;-)

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  7. I would have suggested white waistcoats and bow ties to accompany your dinner jackets, but now that you've gone for cummerbunds....

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    1. We've now gone with long black ties
      Aka men in black
      Not a cummerbund in sight x

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    2. And sunglasses, I trust?

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  8. okay you want to look smart, but you do need to be comfortable as well. Chris is not marrying you for how you look in a smart suit; he is marrying you because you are "you." Just saying........

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    1. If I don't look the part....it'll be the fastest divorce in gay marriage history

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  9. You'll both look great! Cummerbund or no.

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  10. Cumberbund = Cumbersome.

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    1. Cumberbatch= slightly unfortunate racist comment

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  11. You might be able to buy an oversized cumberbund from "Mr Big" at the bottom of The Moor in Sheffield. Failing that why not try www.bigmenonline.co.uk
    Ask for a Benedict Cumberbund!

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  12. No reason to be embarrassed, they made the thing to small for a real person.

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  13. Buy some brightly colored suspenders so when the coats come off at the reception, which they inevitably will, both of you make a splash.

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    1. Suspenders?

      Jo in Auckland, NZ

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    2. Braces, Jo. Suspenders is what we call them across the Pond.

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  14. Cummerbunds are highly over-rated!

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  15. Try being a woman and trying on things. At least we're not expected to wear cummerbunds. And honestly- how can anything with the name of "cummerbund" be something anyone on this earth needs to wear?

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    Replies
    1. I have seen a trendy pair of braces that I am going to wear too

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  16. I'm so glad that you are going with long black ties …..
    Just wanted to clear up my comment over at Tom's the other day ….. it is a line from an old film that my Dad used to say as in, ' Not Billy The Kid …anyone but him ' but, I would have to be face to face so that you could hear me saying it to know what I meant !!!! { I think that I'm digging myself an even bigger hole !! } XXXX

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  17. I never did quite get the 'cummerbund thing' anyway. Just another place to trap crumbs I'm thinking and they certainly don't look good on 'substantial' men.

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    1. Lol...........I'll never pick one up again!

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  18. That is bizarre, we watched Pretty Woman last night... ( strange story really - man hires prostitute, falls out with best friend over prostitute - decides to marry prostitute after just a week, having been such a batchelor all his life...) Anyway, I haven't had internet for a few days and missed your post about TWD! I am so excited, I seem to have set Sky to record it at 9pm, 10pm and in the wee hours of the morning....

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    1. Yes I hate the story too..it gIves hooking a kind of fairy tail status!
      I am soooo looking forward to episode 9 too!,,,

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  19. So now I know what is commerbund. And i know that the word entered English vocabulary via India.(wikiepedia).Indian people are small and thin i think, So who need commerbund.

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  20. Clearly that suit came with a defective cummerbund. They should knock a few bucks off the price for that.

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  21. Good I came late to the party and need only add the cummerbund was defective. Obviously.

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  23. .John I deleted the spelling mistake in the above comment.
    What I meant to say was - an elasticated insert in the back of the cummerbund (what colour by the way?), a month sans Scotch Eggs and that is your problem solved. In any case - what's a cummberbund between husbands?

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    1. I picked up a scotch egg today in Tesco and replaced it with a diet coke

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  24. So I won't need to pack mine then?

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    1. Not unless you have two sewn together

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    2. I've never had that problem...

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    3. You have the waist of an eleven year old boy

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  25. You could try black duct tape John, one size fits all. This coming from a man who joined a gym 3 weeks ago, but hasn't been yet.

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    1. Now there's an idea........I can sense Dr Chris' eyebrow is starting to twitch

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  26. Please don't give up scotch eggs for fashion! It's never worth it!!!

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    1. Well just for a month E! Just for a month x

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  27. :) I so enjoy reading your blog! I have just started mine.. You have such a great sense of humour :)) Thank you.

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    1. What's your blog name? I cannot access it from your name?

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  28. In the Navy we called them 'crumbcatchers'...because that is their only purpose.
    Jane x

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    1. No more cummerbunds jane...........they have been fired

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  29. How about these for suspenders: http://www.spencersonline.com/product/bd-wd-zombies-faces-suspender/

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    1. Oh I so ooooo want some of these........
      It's on tonight here in the UK btw!

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  30. I've just had to google to find out what a cummerbund is! Please excuse my ignorance - men up here wear kilts to weddings. What is the purpose of a cummerbund? Might be of use if your trouser button pops off or for holding one's gut in! It's lost on me ...

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    1. The cummerbund was first adopted by British military officers in colonial India as an alternative to a waistcoat, and later spread to civilian use.

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    2. They're worn more at (really)posh weddings. Ladies can also wear cummerbunds.

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    3. That's not to infer that your wedding won't be 'posh'! I appear to be digging myself a hole, also!

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    4. How VERY dare you x

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  31. Sorry, I have to inject a bit of negativity here. Black ties should only be worn at a funeral. Please think again, otherwise I will be forced to come down there and take you both shopping (something I abhor) for suitable neck wear. I mean it.

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    1. Oh dear ....black ties, I am afraid it is

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    2. Right... I'll email you my ETA for next Saturday, be ready!

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  32. Cummberbund schmumberbund, if you were marrying me, I'd let you stuff your face witch scotch eggs and wear what you like. I might draw the line at pjs under your trousers though, even I have a few standards :)
    Twiggy
    PS I'd rather wear a Cumberbatch, especially if he was playing Sherlock, but that's a completely different story !

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    1. Steady gal.......steady

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  33. The fact it didn't fit means nothing except that they cater to only one type of figure. Having said that, I feel your pain. Dust for lunch for me, too!

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  34. Well, who needs a cummerbund anyway? I'm sure the suit will be absolutely spiffing. And I doubt if the other men were giving you pitying looks. Sympathetic looks more likely as they contemplate their own over-large bellies.

    Ha, there's a coincidence. I see you've just this second commented on my own blog!

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  35. It's a little thing, literally apparently, in the grand scene of things. Exchange it or do without and smile through:)

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  36. Well, you could've gone to the nearest fabric shop and bought a few yards of whatever took your fancy and simply wrapped yourself in it. A couple of safety pins at the back, and you're home and hosed. Room to stow a few scotch eggs too, in case you got peckish!

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  37. Ouch. Glad you have decided they are unnecessary. And very, very glad the suit fits.

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  38. I've lost half a stone in the last six weeks just by cutting out cake. Terrifying how many calories just a small slice has, and I was 'going large' as the smarmy man at the Waitrose coffee counter put it to me the other day. "No thank you" I said politely after ordering my 'skinny latte', a phrase which makes me cringe and feel desperately self conscious at my age. Nothing like a fart over the frozen veg though. I'd like to have seen and heard that! xx

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    1. There's hope for me then em

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  39. You will look great whatever John and so will Chris although I don't even know himxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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  40. Replies
    1. You are alive...I was worried

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    2. I haven't lost any weight either.

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  41. Cummerbunds are so yesterday.... glad the suit fitted.... Chris will love you no matter what you wear!

    Jo in Auckland, NZ

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  42. I was going to say that Cummerbands are over rated but Jim beat me to it !

    So glad you ditched them & the bow ties. Looking forward to the photos xx

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  43. John. I am so pleased you ditched the cummerbunds. They are SO 1980s. I almost had a conniption yesterday when you mentioned them, and have been hoping you did. Yay!!
    Next, and most importantly, the cummerbund is t fault, not you. If one size is meant to fit all then it bloody well ought to fit! You're quite within a normal range of male sizing. HOWEVER, please bear in mind that the primary market for them is school balls. So, the size range they have in mind is skinny teenage boys.
    Any humiliation you feel is misplaced. REALLY. Save it for the supermarket freezer farts! ;-)

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    1. P.S, trust me, I am a Wedding and Formal wear Professional ;-)

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    2. Thanks for that sweetie

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    3. And you know that if you had your heart set on wearing the bloody things I'd have made you a matching pair. Because if you're going to do it, do it with style eh! xo

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  44. John, I am so glad you've ditched the cummerbunds and bow ties, not a good look for grown-ups. The "men in black" look is much sexier!

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  45. I didn't realise cummerbunds came in sizes, I thought you just wrapped a swathe of material around you - how ridiculous. I'd go for suspenders if I were you; much more chic. Don't worry you will look great and Chris will be bursting with pride as you stand next to him. xx
    My most memorable uber embarrassment was trying on a fleece, it was lovely and snug with a furry lining which unfortunately turned out to have a lot of static that decided to stick to my tshirt. I ended up having to have a shop assistant pull it off me in the middle of the shop as I tried desperately to hang onto the tshirt and my shredded dignity. The shop assistant gave a final hard tug and I lost hold of my shirt just as one of my senior managers walked into the shop. The red lacy bra was probably a mistake that day.........!

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    1. Your red lacy bra makes me feel a whole lot better x

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    2. Am surprised it fitted you, but then I don't know Curvywitch.

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  46. Just ditch the cummerbund. Who needs it ? And they are a bit out of date anyway.

    I think you will look dead cool ‘sans’ purple satin around the waist. Who’s idea was that, anyway?

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  47. How about just plain buck naked? teasing

    I am very sure both of you will look handsome. Weddings put too much pressure on couples.

    My husband said when we were married, I love your hair that way. I said, take a good look because it will never look this way again. It took my sister hours to make ringlets to go with my Juliet dress.

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  48. John, I'm sure with a doubt, you will look fine! As long as Chris is there, what else is necessary? I was also the last one picked for teams. Couldn't get a date in high school to save my life! My heart bleeds for the teenagers I teach when the awkwardness seems to overwhelm them. I try to be sympathetic but you are right. You just have to endure. "That which does not kill us, makes us stronger." But it still hurts like hell...

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  49. Uh, ahem, that first line was supposed to read, "without a doubt." Damn, should've proofread it first. But you get the idea.

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  50. If Michael Gambon could carry off wearing a very fetching one in 'The Cook, the Thief, His Wife and her Lover' (WHAT? Not seen? It's a MUST!) then surely YOU can. Try and get one like his which changes colour as you go from room to room, as does the glorious Helen Mirren's dress (or should that be Helen Mirren's glorious dress?).

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  51. I had to wear a cummerbund when I was waitressing at a ritzy restaurant. Tuxedo front shirt, black bow tie, studs, and the cummerbund. Black trousers, too ;-) This was ages ago, but the cummberbunds came in different sizes, and all were adjustable. At the time, I was quite slim, so I got the smallest size, but they were based on your waist size, so you had an idea what size would likely fit.
    The one problem I see often when men wear bow ties is that the ties invariably go crooked, and I want to run up and readjust them.

    If your cummerbunds were going to be a different colour from your suit, perhaps your ties can be the same colour as what the cummerbund was going to be? Long, black ties are nice, too, although it may be a more solemn look than you intend.

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  52. Cummerbunds are tacky anyway. A beautiful white shirt and silk tie with your suit would look very handsome and polished

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