Monday, 12 January 2015

" A Fanny Stain on The Duvet"

The fanny Stain culprit ( on the left)

I don't know about you all, but if I am not working, Monday is the day I whip the cottage into some sort of cleanliness and order.
Of old, Monday was the day to do the washing and eat a meal of leftovers.
It was the day to start afresh
Dad went back to work, mum did the washing, the kitchen was scrubbed and the kids went back to school.
So was the order of a 1960s childhood.
Today some of that remains, albeit in my imagination.
Anyhow
Chris " facetimed" me when I was in the bathroom this morning
He was busy marking a PhD study
I was scrubbing the wee stains from around the toilet bowl
" are you having a bath?" He asked ( probably thinking that I was luxuriating in a mass of foam bubbles before skipping off to a coffee morning at the vicarage )
I told him what I was up to and he reminded me of another job I had yet to tackle
" There's a fanny stain on the  duvet!" he noted dryly
( not a phrase I would ever consider hearing in a predominantly gay household but hey...)
" it's on my list" I told him whilst thinking that the phrase " fanny stain on the duvet" would never have been a comment that would have ever left my father's mouth.
Apart from the occasional " ruddy and bloody" I don't think I ever heard my father swear
Anyhow.....
I remember when I was around eleven , my father was involved in a bit of a punch up in his shop.
He owned a television sales and repair Business and was in the middle serving two separate customers when one, a young man, got frustrated with the wait and called my father " A TWAT!"
My father who was probably in his late fifties then, didn't hesitate and smartly punched the customer in the mouth and the first we children got to hear of the affair was when the police popped up to the house to have a ' quiet word ".
Now the humour in this situation centred around my mother's lack of understanding of the word " twat" rather than any resolution of the punch up itself, for after the police had " discussed the matter" with my dad who incidentally was the chair of the borough council at the time, my mother embarked into wild fact finding mission to find out just what TWAT meant.
The policemen obviously wouldn't explain, nor would my red faced father......and even after a few phone calls to my brother in law, all my mother was informed that the word " twat meant a " woman's vagina"
I remember stuffing my hands into my mouth to stop myself from screaming in laughter, after my mother hurried around the house like a stereotypical Jewish mother shrieking
"Ron RON! .... you hit someone in the mouth for calling you a WOMAN's VAGINA?!!!!!!!!"
" why why would you do that?"
They were simpler days ........

84 comments:

  1. Simpler but in some ways better. You always have the very best post titles my good man.

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    1. First rule of blogging johnno
      Reel em in

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  2. Haha, that made me chuckle on a wild Monday morning, thank you! By wild I mean the weather, not my tasks for the day which, with the exception of the duvet stain removal sound much the same as yours, Monday morning cleaning, sorting and tidying

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    1. Oh and lve cut the clingons from Meg's arse too!

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  3. it's 6:30a, am awaiting coffee, and this post is the first to be read. bwhahahahaha!

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  4. Great memory. I often resort to 'added to the list' when I am too bung lazy and sitting on the chair in front of the computer.

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    1. But that list just grows does it not?

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  5. I was always told that a Twat was a pregnant goldfish and wondered why that should be a swear word. I still prefer it to the "C bomb" which I won't suffer from anyone.

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    1. I think the goldfish was explained to my mother...it confused her even more

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  6. Thanks for the Monday morning laugh, I am trying to think of phrases that have never left my father's mouth, "what can I spend money on for you?" would be near the top of the list.

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  7. You are bad for my bladder! I have not laughed so hard for a long time - cheers!

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  8. DA DOO RON RON!
    "Fanny Stain on the Duvet" by Agatha Christie is available via Amazon Books.

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    1. ...It's an autobiography!

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    2. That gives me an idea YP

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  9. A picture is worth a thousand words. Glad you didn't in this case!
    Your story reminds me of the time I was going for a meal with my parents and a cat ran into the road. Mum shouted "PUSSY" as loud as she could and then couldn't understand why we were all laughing!

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    1. Lol.....did she ask for an explaination?

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  10. Never heard my dad swear. My mum would occasionally resort to 'sodding' and anything worse would be diluted to 'shhhhhugar!'.
    I remember a long car journey where I recited to my family Monty Python's 'a dagger up the clitoris'. How was I to know what that word meant, aged 8?

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    1. Well..I dare to make " a dagger in your clitoris" your next blog title

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  11. There's a village here in Orkney called Twatt. And one in Shetland. The councils are forever replacing the signs because tourists keep nicking 'em...

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    1. How many twats in twatt I wonder!

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    2. The sign at Beaver Way keeps disappearing around here.

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    3. The place names in Newfoundland, Canada offering a chance to smile are plentiful: Dildo, Come-By-Chance, Happy Valley-Goose Bay, Tickle Cove, Comfort Cove, Conception Bay, Ass Hill, Ass Rock ... although there are many others that are beautiful in their own right - Heart's Content, Heart's Desire, Heart's Delight, Fortune, Diamond Cove ... just so you know they're not all of the double-entendre variety!

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    4. I would love to live in Ass Hill

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    5. There's a cockshot road near here!

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  12. Ah yes, Monday washing day. I can hear and smell it now. The machine swishing away, the smell of hot water and detergent. The entire kitchen taken over with the chore. Trips to the 'line' to hang out the clothes. The next day was just as bad...ironing day.
    I think the only swear word I heard as a child was 'damn' or if things were especially trying, 'damn it to hell'. I don't trust myself with using any of the foul language I hear when out and about as, sadly, I don't know what half of them mean either lol.

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    1. I share those memories too.....and of my grandmother doing the ironing in the afternoon

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  13. You should write newspaer headlines John. I remeber when I was a lot younger and some so called friend would send you to the local grocers with a scribbled piece of paper saying:

    "a bottle of vagina and half a fresh egg please".

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    1. We used to send the student nurses to collect fanny stain from out of the group of OAPS in outpatients

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  14. I remember the first time I dropped the F bomb in front of my mother. She has never uttered the word. It went over very poorly.

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  15. So what would you call a man's vagina?

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    1. Errrrrrr.........errrrrrr.....errrrrrrr...point taken

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  16. Swearing was so seldom heard 'back in the day' ... and if I ever heard my Mum use the word 'bloody' I knew something was very, very wrong and very, very bad. Once she said 'bleeding hell' and I remember the shock vividly!!

    These days I think a three year old in Asda could give me a very good education in swearing.

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    1. That's Asda for you......it would never happen in Waitrose

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  17. I noticed the "streotypical".

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    1. I thought of you when I typed it.....

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    2. Hope you don't mind x

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    3. I dont mind but I was thinking after reading it what is the origin of that stereotype, why a jewish voice is un pleasant voice .I thought about famous jewish women singers that have great voices .Je suis juive you know:)

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    4. No Yael...I adore Jewish mom stereotypes
      They are kind of comforting ...as for the voice
      I never think of it as unpleasant

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    5. Ok, as a Jewish mom I am quiet and happy now. I did not understand properly may be.

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  18. And I had to google fanny,

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    1. Our american friends will be thinking something entirely different!

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    2. Let me tell you how a Brit friend was so amused by one of my fave morbid reads, Edward Gorey's Gashlycrumb Tinies, because after "E is for Ernest who choked on a peach" came "F is for Fanny sucked dry by a leech." http://www.edwardgoreyhouse.org/gashlycrumb-tinies

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  19. No, we used the word twat too, though it sounds very mild today. What you father might have done if he were called the c word, or a big vagina.

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  20. Much like my dear mother, seeing someone giving her the one-finger salute, waved back cheerily and commented on the friendliness of other drivers.

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  21. Lesson in washing machine operation for Chris? Or is it only you that allows Winnie onto the bed?! I didn't know what 'twat' was either!

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    1. A new word learned today!
      Now go forth and use it lol

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  22. My youngest son belongs to a motorbike club and proudly displays the logo on his bike. It's called "Two Wheels And That." Who in their right mind . . .

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    1. Two wheels and that society?
      T w a t s ?

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    2. Imagine following a motorbike with a badge on the rear proclaiming "TWAT" - - - I know what my thoughts would be!

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  23. Don't you just love language and all its capacity for fun!

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    1. I'm a real bag o laughs

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  24. Your Monday chores were my Saturday chores. And still are. My father swore in Arabic. I have no idea what he was saying - but it sounded dire. Really, really dire. Since he had a black sense of humour it could have been reciting twinkle, twinkle little star. In a scary tone of voice.

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    1. ..just what little kids enjoy

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  25. My father (I'm a similar age to you John) used words like cur, you dolt, swine. He would use stronger language when angered but it was not part of his general vocabulary. I don't swear myself but then I have an over-developed super-ego preventing me.

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    1. I on the other had swear like a docker!
      Go figure

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  26. I learned all the bad words from both my parents when I was little. I think they either liked to fight or hated each other. My brother and I would have been happier if they had split permanently...

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    1. Sharon....that's awfully sad x

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  27. Sounds like my father, except he wouldn't have known the meaning of twat (a hole in the hedge, you remember). Even after you get married, you will not be able to blame future fanny stains on your wife. Shame.

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  28. I think you deserve an award for Original Titles,

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  29. Bless this blog.
    Jane Austen has a character named "Fanny' in Mansfield Park, is it still a gal's name or is it only for our naughty bits?

    My favorite use of twat was in Blazing Saddles when Harvey Korman called Madeline Kahn a "Teutonic twat". Not sure you can view this
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=66gc54bZd6Q

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    1. I'd forgotton that line

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  30. Much, much simpler days John. Sometimes wish it was like that now!

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  31. I can't read this post, I've just had my tea. Hello, though, from the windswept hinterland that is Scotland at the moment! Have a good week.x

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    1. Are you that nauseous ?

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    2. Yes, I'm 'scunnery' that way when it comes to doggy doings and mealtimes!

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  32. Oh John, you always make me laugh, I really think you should write a book. I'm sure you could come up with a suitable x-rated title.

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    1. It would be hard...... But I'd give it a go

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  33. After a long, knackerating day at work your title alone made me spit my coffee out laughing, you are a total tonic John, thank you.
    Twiggy x

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    1. Like I said get em hooked immediately

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  34. Priceless!! It amuses me too that it was a "Woman's vagina". It's extremely important when talking of vaginas to qualify them thusly heehee!

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  35. I still hold to the same traditions of Monday's, now that I am retired and don't have to do most on the weekend. I also do what my mom did and have something slow cooking such as chili or stew or gumbo so that all that fussing about can get done without dwelling in the kitchen too much.

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    1. A tradion that will die away by the next generation

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  36. I have head the word Twat, but never knew what it meant. Would 'dickhead' have gotten the same response?

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  37. In America, the word "fanny" is a mild synonym for bum or arse. (As you probably know.) It causes no end of amusement among the British students at school when one of us Americans uses it in that way. Hope that duvet came clean. :)

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