Sunday, 14 December 2014

A Potty Mouth

When I bumped into the affable despot Jason on Friday , he rather cryptically mentioned that he'd never really liked John Lennon.
The superstar's music making wasn't an issue at all in all this, but Jason thought that he must have been a most disagreeable person in real life!
I don't really dislike many people, however,there is one old fart in the village that I cannot abide, and he, to be fair, wouldn't piss on me if I was on fire..but you get that in villages where two strong personalities clash. If you have a strong opinion in a village...there is no where to hide.
Having said all this, I may come across like a cross between Julie Andrews, Mary Berry and Mother Theresa on the blog, but I can assure all of you that I can be a right old c*+t when crossed by any unpleasant character who just happens to say the wrong word.
It is an ability that gets more pronounced the older I get.

I was once very loudly told off by a rancid woman in Tescos for parking the Berlingo in a covered mother and baby bay. The woman didn't allow me to explain that I was parked there so that my babies, the dogs, wouldn't get overheated on a remarkably hot day, and so very VERY loudly I told her to " fuck off and take her pug ugly baby with her!"
It was a cheap shot...but a funny one, as everyone could see that her baby was indeed pug ugly.
Like I said......I don't always act like Felicity Kendal.

I am blessed with a quick wit.
It is a gift inherited from my mother, who possessed a very sharp mouth, and it is a gift which has been honed by the increasing confidence of Middle age .

I am glad that there are some bonuses for getting older......

I will leave you with one of my favourite insults

"That slut! When she dies they’ll have to bury her in a Y-shaped coffin!" Bette Davis, on Barbara Stanwyck

88 comments:

  1. I usually think of the clever retort too late... My favourite insult was one of Churchill's, who on being accused 'Sir, you are drunk!', replied 'Madam, tomorrow I shall be sober but you will still be ugly'.

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    1. It sounds better if you are slurring I always think

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    2. You're my best friend you are

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  2. 'Tis the Season to be Jolly?! x

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    1. Not quite nana......not quite

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  3. How could anybody not like John Lennon? He was a rock n roll genius.

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    1. Eyes of a serial killer

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    2. Cause I am a Stones gal.

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  4. I am not normally quick enough to have retorts for lots of things. I later go over in my head what I should have said. I have some thought out quips for the nosy neighbours in my street. Especially since a gaggle of them stood in the street interrogating me when we first moved in. and one made the mistake of asking my name and then after coming back with "what are you?" lol I laugh now but I was really upset at the time. Beotches

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    1. I had to google beotches

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  5. hell yeah! and the older I get, the more I don't give a flying fuck what anybody thinks! I will NOT be someone else's doormat; I spent too many of my younger years doing just that.

    I LOVE that cheeky bette davis insult!

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    1. Try this one , which is another favourite
      * “Does the Honourable Lady remember that she was an egg herself once: and very many members of all sides of this House regret that it was ever fertilised?” Sir Nicholas Fairbairn attacking junior Health Minister Edwina Currie over the salmonella crisis

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  6. Having to be polite and professional dealing with shit at work all day, I'm afraid I just have to let rip on the unsuspecting public sometimes. 'pug ugly' hehe

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    1. It looked like a cabbage patch doll

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  7. I first got to know that quote about the Y-shaped coffin through its recycled appearance by Joe Orton in his 'What the Butler Saw' (1967) and which, for a long time, I thought was its origin.

    One of my favourite political put-downs was by Vincent Hannah (died 1997, one-time political commentator with Channel 4) who described John Major as "like Neville Chamberlain - but without the charisma".

    Btw: That Churchill riposte (to Labour MP Bessie Braddock) of which Charlotte, above, reminds us, and which, indeed, is usually ascribed to Churchill, is sometimes pre-dated further back to W.C. Fields.

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    1. Didn't stanwick die the 1980s? If so Davis probably stole the line from Orton?

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    2. It popped up in Blackadder 2 as well. SO evocative!

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    3. Could be so, J.G. - though I think its first appearance may be even earlier than Orton. But as I'd like Joe O to have been the originator I'm not going to investigate any further.

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  8. Sorry but I am with the mother with the ugly baby. Disabled spaces are only for disabled people. Parent and child spaces are only for parents with children in the car. If I had been in the car park at the time I'd have backed up the protesting lady before giving you an old-fashioned pasting (I was the school boxing champion). I don't believe I have ever seen any car park spaces designated for folk with pets in their vehicles.

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    1. I couldn't disagree with you more about mother and baby spaces that are the ONLY ones that are in the shade

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    2. My supermarket has no shaded spaces.

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    3. esp if it was the last empty M&B space. I say this cos I have struggled many times through rainy windswept huge car parks with screaming baby (beautiful not plug ugly as NO babies are) and heavy trolley cos a fuckwit in a van hopped in the M&B space (near the doors/not shady) before me, the #bastard.

      people being mean to children (and helpless animals too) are the ONLY things that make me spit.

      there "I've said it, so I've said it, der da der" as Bren said in Dinnerladies.

      Still like you tho.
      Susan x

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    4. Lidl actually old chap.
      Susan - "A Fuckwit in a Van" sounds like a good title for somebody's autobiography.

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    5. yeah - my husband.
      lol
      x

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    6. I have disabled sticker and use it not just because of the closeness to the shops but that in the regular (small) parking spaces it is hard for me get the door open and me to squeeze out. Not many places here have Mum's and Baby parking.
      I wouldn't mind dogs in baby parking what bothers are people who leave their babies and dogs in the car, windows up a hot summer day. It can get up to 118 outside so just think how hot inside the car is.
      And to Susan and Yorkshire Pudding great title and I would read that book !

      cheers, parsnip

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    7. Well it won't stop me doing it again susan
      ( bring it on sister!)
      X

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    8. Now now children!

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  9. This comes as no surprise to me.

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    1. Have a sherry too

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    2. But not together of course.

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  10. I can also be very opinionated and when pushed get very foul....I do try to contain myself around all the little ones though. They parking that gets me fired up is those who have a disabled sticker/tag but the disabled person is not with them.....and those who only have the sticker because they weigh more than the vehicle itself.

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    1. Say it like it is girlfriend !

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  11. As long as you one snap heads off when provoked, -

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    1. Understand that reply I did not!

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    2. Typo's
      I am sure that you only deliver insults when provoked, (snap heads off when provoked.)

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  12. My impression from your blog has always been that you are a cross between Mother Teresa, Dr. Doolittle (the Rex Harrison version), and Bette Davis. So your final quote is very appropriate.

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    1. Puffs theatrically on a cigarette and rolls eyes

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  13. Hehehe! "Pug-ugly baby" made me snicker into my morning coffee!

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  14. Some insult that John!
    I must say that I have a disabled badge and I get very irate if I can't get a disabled bay and then i see an able-bodied driver come leaping back to get into his car.
    In our library car park last week two pensioner men (65 and 70) got into such an argument over a parking space that they both ended up on the floor and the library had to call the police to separate them. Both needed doctor's treatment.

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  15. Living in a village or working in an office, society can be a pain in the rear when they let other people in.

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  16. I think it was Joan Collins and Anthony Newley in an argument:
    Him: You're a fu**ing bore
    Her: And you're a boring f**k.

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  17. I can never think of anything smart to say on the spot...but days later....come on by and I'll blast you one lol.

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    1. This is a common issue ...It always reminds me of Blackadder the third when he deals with the issue by using a historical example ......

      " Joan of Arc for instance ....burnt at the stake for refusing to recant her Catholicism ...as the flames licked higher , she must have been kicking herself that it never occurred to her to say " I recant my Catholicism ..."

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    2. I don't think she was known for her one liners

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    3. She was more known for her charred knickers

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    4. And hacking cough

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    5. the easiest way to authenticate her signature is " charcoal or pen" ....

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    6. Did you know what her cat was called?

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  18. Just a thought John - take a look at the angry "mother of the plug ugly baby" Yorkshire Pudding's blog post of December 2nd called "Lunatics". He (yes he) purports to be making a point about people with mobile phones appearing to be talking to themselves, "loonies" to use his word. It would take quite an effort to be more offensive than he is in that blog post. Carry on being yourself and proud of it!

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    1. Lol.......Well researched miss Marple x

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  19. Aren't we told to leave pets at home on warm days? The inside of a car can get very hot very fast, shade or no.

    And that baby couldn't help how it looked.

    Give your blood pressure a break! ... good air in, bad air out ... breathe :)

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  20. I always thought Pug's were cute, now I have to second-guess myself.
    ~Jo

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  21. Jo, I got the quote wrong
    I should have said plug ugly
    The origin of the saying is here
    http://www.phrases.org.uk/meanings/plug-ugly.html
    X

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  22. "I can assure all of you that I can be a right old c*+t "

    I can assure you that (much as I enjoy your words and images) I needed no assurance about that.

    And Jings... Re "fuck off and take her pug ugly baby with her!"

    I have to say (well I don't have to, but I will), that you were in the wrong not once but twice (and the 2nd one much, much (much) worse than the first).

    Still. I daresay you'll survive that news.

    Too many words in here saying how lovely you are

    You are probably (mostly), fairly lovely, however (so long as you get to change rules and regulations to suit the needs of your plug ugly dogs, of course...)

    I've never known a supermarket of any brand to have a covered parking space. How do all the dogs around here survive? Oh... the area outside with the metal bar that people tie their dogs up at is covered, and has water bowls. That may explain it.

    Anyway. Who is this villager who despises you? Does he have a blog? Does he despise you because you told him to f*** off and take his plug ugly wife (or boyfriend) with him? I'd love to hear his side of the mutual dislike (wouldn't you?).

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    1. Let's get this straight
      1. I am for the most part a sweet person but I am no saint
      But I do try to do the right thing
      2. I don't really give a fuck if people disagree with me or not
      In some ways it makes things more interesting if they don't
      Was I wrong..... I don't care if I was or not.
      3. I TOTALLY disagree with mother and baby parking being located RIGHT OUTSIDE A SUPERMARKET where older people that may not be classed as disabled have to walk with all of the other shoppers...by all means have wider parking spaces that are safe for pushchairs but have them all around the car park
      4 the woman who recieved a tongue lashing from me started the interaction by screaming several f words at me with her precious and impressionable baby firmly on her hip......
      She got exactly what she gave...
      5 Tescos abergele has one row of covered parking
      6 . The villager in question did indeed receive a " fuck off" from me...I decline to explain just why this happened
      7 EVERYONES A CRITIC,

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    2. Re 6: Ah... I thought so...

      Re 7: That'll include you then.

      By the way. I love it when comments streams last all the way down to Albert's photo. He's lovely, even though I'm sure the mice think he's an evil bastard. Can never get on with everyone, eh?

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  23. I got the plug ugly wrong btw
    See original post

    http://disasterfilm.blogspot.co.uk/2010/06/i-am-not-very-nice-person.html

    It was fat ugly child!

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    1. I looked, and read:

      "in an awful halter top"

      Jings... So judgemental.... an expert in fashion too? (Still, I suppose I already knew that from the photos :)

      Goodnight, Dear NotSaint John, from NotSaint Andrew

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    2. One should never wear a halter top with fat arms.....my mother always drilled that one into me

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    3. Goodnight dearheart

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  24. Not a fucking saint then. Thank God for that.

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    1. "Thank God for that"

      Ha ha... Am pondering the concept of thanking God for someone not being a saint :)

      Thank God there's probably no God. Life would be too (as in, even more...) complicated when trying to figure out all the why's and wherefores if there was. There may be loads of Superior Beings pissing themselves laughing at us though, of course.

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    2. Oh shut up Andrew.

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    3. Lovely.

      End of discussion then.

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    4. No quite
      I have the last word xxx

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  25. On second thoughts I wouldn't mind being a saint
    St John of Trelawnyd
    Has a kinda ring to it

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  26. gawd! if only people would get so upset about things that actually matter.

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    1. I apologise Kylie....you're right x

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  27. Saw this one on an A&E biography once and remembered it:

    Fanny Brice speaking about Esther Williams - “Wet, she’s a star. Dry, she ain’t.”

    And here's one more that I had heard but had to google to get it right. Sir John Gielgud talking about Ingrid Bergman - “Ingrid Bergman speaks five languages and can’t act in any of them.”

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    1. Mr Gielgud was a bit unfair don't you think?

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    2. Defintely, I think Ingrid made some great movies, my personal faves are Gaslight and For Whom the Bell Tolls...not sure why he was so critical of her.

      He is one of the few EGOT's in history so maybe he thought he was better than everyone else, ha.

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    3. By the way, EGOT is a winner of the four big awards, an Emmy, Grammy, Oscar and Tony...its the grand slam of awards. There have only been 12.

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  28. ' Pug ugly ' ...... my Pug is gorgeous!!

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  29. maybe there is some car park related trauma playing a part... I remember you loosing it when a bus full of school children didn't acknowledge you to your liking...

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  30. I have not run into people parking in spaces they shouldn't as of late, but I fear here in NJ fists would be thrown so perhaps that is why.
    My all time favorite "F You" quote comes from Dorothy Parker.

    It is recorded that Mrs. Parker and a snooty debutante were both going in to supper at a party: the debutante made elaborate way, saying sweetly “Age before beauty, Mrs. Parker.” “And pearls before swine,” said Mrs. Parker, sweeping in.
    http://quoteinvestigator.com/2011/06/29/pearls-before-swine/

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  31. Phew! Do you all feel better now?

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  32. I hear Felicity Kendal is nothing like the characters she plays.

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  33. Years ago my mother's neighbor had a new baby we stopped to see. As we walked home, I said, That baby sure looks like a pug dog. My mother said, I thought so, too, but I wasn't going to say so.

    It's quite sad when a baby is unattractive.

    Love,
    Janie

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  34. Have you taken your meds today Mr Gray?

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