Tuesday, 18 November 2014

Repairing A Gusset


This is the view I am looking at right at this moment.
Its one of those wet, misty mornings in low bright sunshine.
The sort of morning which makes driving on slick roads almost impossible .
The Ukrainian village looks damp, with many of the hens perched on their runs in a bid to keep feet dry and warm.
Hens hate having wet feet.
did you know that?

I am sat on the bedroom window seat darning a hole in my trouser gusset. The rip was a product of not being able to cock my leg high enough over the pig fencing.
Its now time to return to weightwatchers, me thinks.
I thought this yesterday morning, when I found that I had been locked into the cottage by accident. Chris is working in South Wales, so left the cottage early, locking the back door behind him.
After a frantic search for my house keys, I realised that I had left them on the garden wall!, so I had no other choice but to jump through the only ground floor window which I could squeeze my fat arse through.
Now in front of the living room window is a selection of pots, herbs and roses, so in order not to trample anything, I had to stand on the sill, and jump around four or five feet onto the lawn.
Sounds doable ?
Sure!
So off I jump, with all the grace and agility of a fourteen stone blancmange and promptly fell onto the wet lawn leaving a long muddy slide trail as I went.
A crashing 747 would have looked more in control.
and so, for that split second when my face was pushed into the grass, I knew , it was time to get a grip

Like many people in the "middle age" I have always had a tendency to put on weight. I dont comfort eat but I do love my food too much, and this coupled with the fact that I dont walk as much as I did ( ageing terriers and bulldog) has allowed my weight to creep slowly back on.

Now I am not bleating here. Losing weight is simple enough and isnt hard when you get into the right mind set.
Its not rocket science!
If you dont want to find yourself arse over tit on the front lawn?
get a little fitter!
So fitter I shall get,
End Of.

Ps/ seeing that its a nice day, I am now off to deliver eggs, collect some coal and will pop in to see if the Lesbian smallholder Bunty is alive and well.After five days, my cold has seemed to have finally passed!

61 comments:

  1. Some lovely metaphors in there John. Please be careful with capitals at the beginning of your sentences. B+ Excellent effort.

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  2. Wish you good luck. Somtimes it is good to start the day with an hopeful decision. I also did it today.

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  3. 'If you dont want to find yourself arse over tit on the front lawn?
    get a little fitter!
    So fitter I shall get,
    End Of.'

    Personally I'd just get a spare set of keys ........

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  4. Im with Sue, get spare keys and leave them in a drawer! lol Did you hurt yourself?

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    Replies
    1. Only my pride......and a pair of muddy knees

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  5. Glad the worst that happened was popping a gusset, with my (lack of) grace I'd have done the splits ala Rumpelstiltskin!

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  6. Oh you paint such a wonderful picture ! :)

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  7. No wonder it hurts when you fart.

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  8. Modern society has such a plethora of mouth-watering foods, it's hard not to eat a lot more than your body needs. It was a lot easier when I was growing up in the 50s and 60s when a British meal was usually a lump of meat accompanied by tasteless overcooked vegetables. A few mouthfuls of that were more than enough.

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  9. LOL! When I read the headline, I thought it was caused by your farts!
    John, please be careful and like Sue and Sol, get a spare set of keys and keep them handy!
    Have a lovely rest of the day xx

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  10. P.S I'm thinking of joining the local Slimmers' World group, way past the time I should have.......

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  11. More cycling required - it's a fun way to lose weight. I try and get an hour's cycling every day. I do get a bit despondent when I get overtaken by 'proper' bikers - you know, the ones with the drop handlebars. They're a bit snooty.

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    1. When my pulled muscle allows..I will continue peddling

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  12. Glad you didn't hurt yourself jumping out the window.

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  13. 7a here, I just woke up, and I spit my coffee at the monitor reading this. sorry, lovey, but reading this poetry and picturing you arse over tit got me LOL!

    get 2 spare sets of keys!

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  14. Oh dear! Hope nothing got bruised.However, your exploits did make me smile, so thankyou for that. Vx

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  15. What a magnificent morning view. And I tend to put on a lot of weight this time of year, since my holiday diet consists of sweets for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

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    Replies
    1. And pre Christmas fodder..I remember just how much you love christmas

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  16. That must have been a spectacle, you bailing out of your window! Sounds like an interesting morning, to say the least. Glad more didn't tear than your trousers!

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  17. You say that hens don't like getting their feet wet. Well, how come women at drunken hen parties always seem to have wet feet when they return from visits to the lavatory?

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    Replies
    1. Ah..the delights of the female waterworks
      A mystery to me ( thank god)

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  18. Now if you had been wearing your Superman cape ~ that jump would have been easy!

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  19. Glad to hear you are feeling better John. Get back on that bike...that will shake off some pounds lol.

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    1. I do believe Delores you may need to add that if the cycle run is to and from the fish and chip shop (or scotch egg shelf) the plan may not work

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  20. So happy you didn't fart and cough at the same time as jumping.

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    1. Farting and coughing at the same time might be enough to get you through the first round of "Britain's Got Talent"

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  21. Good to hear that you're feeling better.
    Hmm, no lovely neighbor to call? Being locked in seems odd, must have old locks, eh?
    That old weight gain - the older you get the harder to get rid of, but I know you can do it for that special occasion coming up!

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  22. Glad you are feeling better. Have you done any more cycling recently? Keep saying I will start riding my bike. It's the hills that I don't like.

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    Replies
    1. My gusset hates the cattle grids

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  23. In your posts, "Chris is working in..." is your most common phrase. Your most common words are "cock" and "tit."

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    Replies
    1. He's off to London all next week....
      Oh tits

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  24. You are wonderful at painting the funniest pictures with words.

    I have my PHD in WW and have gone back on occasion to take additional courses.

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  25. Many years go I asked my then Doctor if he had anything that would help me lose weight.....his reply? "Push the plate away".

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  26. That is a lovely, ethereal, picture.
    I won't, like some, bring up the past with talk about your history of biking.
    As you point out, it's not rocket science to figure out weight loss. KCal's burned need to be greater than KCal's taken in.
    Having some internet difficulties at present, not sure if it'll even last for this comment.
    Cheers
    Mike

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  27. Oh My Goodness !
    Love the picture you painted !
    And yes, I have started walking when my son walks The Square Ones. I started yesterday. Square Ones, son and me with the walker.
    I had to sit and recover for two hours after !
    Out again today.

    cheers, parsnip

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  28. So does one really have to end up with one's face mashed into the lawn in order to get into "the right mindset"? I wish there was an easier way!

    But I did smile at this - "So off I jump, with all the grace and agility of a fourteen stone blancmange" !

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    Replies
    1. It was one of my better lines jenny

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  29. I love your disorganization. It balances my organization; the world remains in perfect rhythm.

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  30. Getting yourself into a situation requiring a feet-first leap onto a slippery, muddy landing spot pretty much sums up your whole blog. Glad you didn't bust anything more serious than a gusset, and are healthy enough for more adventures. Giddyup!

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  31. Weigh yourself at exactly the same time each week and if you haven't lost any weight, or (horror) have put a pound on, just don't eat anything that day - you will not die of starvation and that Scotch egg will still be there tomorrow. How many calories are there in a Scotch egg by the way?

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    1. "...and that Scotch egg will still be there tomorrow"

      I bet it won't be...

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  32. Going A over T on a wet lawn isn't nice. Glad your cold's better,

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  33. Hilarious, only you could lock yourself OUT of the house and have to get OUT a window. Although maybe calling a neighbour to unlock the door from the keys sitting in the garden could have saved some dignity? ;-)

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  34. Remember the days when we used to bounce after a fall????? Nope I dont either, that was sooooo long ago.

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  35. Ah go on, have a scotch egg...

    (Just testing)

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  36. Good that you are feeling better, John. To lose weight...don't eat bread. that's a good start.

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  37. All I can think of is how you would get out in case of a fire.

    Helen

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    1. In a fire I could squeeze my arse through a six inch gap believe me

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  38. Installing much bigger windows is another option to consider.

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    Replies
    1. British cottages historically have small windows
      Any bigger and it would look like a greenhouse

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  39. Hi John, just showed my husband your blog, he loves the bulldog.

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  40. Lots and lots of sets of keys! Here, there, everywhere.

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  41. I'm with you... I gotta lose the baby weight!

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  42. Don't know that it would have mattered your weight with wet grass. I'm thankful only your pride was wounded.
    Good your keys were still there?
    It's a lovely view from your window.
    Have a good hump day, John. :-)

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  43. John, at 51 I am finally looking at my diet ! I've cut out milk & wheat & loosing pounds ..... need to stop the wine now !

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  44. Also, I love the photo up top. Like a Constable painting!

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