Tuesday, 2 September 2014

" Stealing flowers" and How To Tame An Animal

Village tongues may be clacking this morning as yesterday, I was seen leaving Pat ( the animal helper's) house with a large bunch of garden flowers. Pat is on a holiday cruise , so I am watering her tomatoes everyday.......the flowers I had permission to remove.....
I thought I'd just get that straight.
Anyhow,
Last week, at the animal wholesales, I bumped into Bunty the lesbian smallholder from Llanfair
Talhalarn. I was buying layers pellets , she was looking for rat poison. Though part of me thought that Bunty didn't really need poison to kill anything. She always looks as though she could strangle a hippo with only one hand.
I asked her how the geese were, the ones that she bought from me last year.
" the snotty bastards are still keeping their distance" Bunty moaned " I still can't tame them"
I didn't have the heart to tell her, that with her big booming voice, she was never likely to...ever.
Animals need the Penelope Wilton approach rather than the Brian Blessed

There are several rules that need to be followed where the taming of animals are concerned

  1. You need to move slowly at first and get on with doing quiet routine jobs around them without looking at the animal you want to tame.
  2. If you have jobs or zombie games to play on the ipad, sit down near the animal and keep quietly busy. The animal invariably will come towards you to give you the " once over". When they do approach talk to the animals quietly. This works very well with geese and sheep who are naturally curious...if you are up for it.....lie down in the field face down ( although don't do this with pigs!)
  3. Use food bribery using favourite food stuffs.  Cheap white bread is nectar ,to sheep and geese and turkey's and hens adore teats of dog food. Always leave the animals " wanting more" use the same feed bucket or bowl every day and use a consistent animal call to " Marshall the troops" 
  4. Try not to dress in different clothes and hats . Consistency is the key.
  5.  Never try too hard.
Things you mustn't do when taming animals
  1. Don't have a crafty piss when geese are about beak height is invariably at willy height
  2. Never scream like a girl in the vicinity of potentially hysterical Indian runner ducks
  3. Never hold an animal tentatively. Most animals will go " limp" if you hold them firmly
  4. Keep small screaming children and toddlers locked up in a cage if possible. 
Irene and Sylvia will now eat corn out of my hand and do so every morning 


Bingley will sit on my lap for a taste of dog food


Camilla, has a natural reticence with people but will allow herself to be picked up


New cockerel  " Capaldi" is a work in progress

56 comments:

  1. This is such good and useful advice that it relates to almost any situation, let alone animal husbandry.

    'Bunty the Lesbian' sounds like a left-wing children's book.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. lol
      lol
      lol
      lol
      I used to read Bunty in the 70s

      Delete
  2. You neglected to mention Spaniels! I beginning to think I've lost hope of Bramble becoming an obedient companion!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know they are giddy but I always thoughtt they followed commands

      Delete
  3. Brilliant advice, although I CAN imagine you screaming like a girl in the presence of Indian Runner Ducks for some reason ......

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Lol....how VERY dare you

      Delete
  4. Number four is interesing John. The farmer goes round his beast every morning and they come up to him and he can rub their noses (which they love). The other day, coming in from a day out, he went round in his pale blue sweater. They went absolutely mad, careering round the field. I suppose it shows that they can differentiate between colours.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Put on another hat in front of ducks and they got bananas

      Delete
    2. If I wear a hat when tending to the hens, they get fretful. Except Giggy the Leghorn. She just wants to give the had a good kicking.

      Delete
  5. I have used most of these methods and as a result I have 4 feral cats following me around my yard and staring in my windows. I do enjoy them, but I have a feeling my neighbors have also labeled me with a not so flattering name.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Looney woman who loves cats!

      Delete
    2. Kind heart, obviously.

      Delete
  6. I am a little alert and alarmed about and will ensue if I ever lie face down in a field where there are pigs. Please leave Beatrix' comment there for the record.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I had to delete it.....I couldn't stand the pain

      Delete
  7. I like it, especially "Keep small screaming children and toddlers locked up in a cage if possible." I sometimes wonder if we are distant cousins. One of my great grandfathers worked on the ancient London tube stations before WWI.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Was his name bill?

      Delete
    2. George Wood, he married Mary Louise Broadhurst who was born in Swansea. They immigrated to the states on the eve of the first World War.

      Delete
  8. Works with kids too lol.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Could there be a connection between #1 and #2 in the Don'ts column?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh yes..... I know through bitter experience

      Delete
  10. Quiet care and food....works with humans too!

    ReplyDelete
  11. The Brian Blessed approach -- LOL!

    ReplyDelete
  12. In response to John Wooldridges comment. I love this clever quote.... An old trainer of mine used to say, "A horse's brain is like a tv screen. It won't stay blank for long. If you don't pick the show, then you are going to have to live with whatever image shows up—and you may not like it! So give the horse something to do that you WANT the horse to do." Pat Shipman, Ph.D., I think this applies to any animal that you are trying to train LOL

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think I get it.......works with dogs too.....dogs need to know what is expected of them....... They also need to be treated as dogs and not little people

      Delete
  13. In response to John Wooldridge and his spaniel reference. I love this quote......An old trainer of mine used to say, "A horse's brain is like a tv screen. It won't stay blank for long. If you don't pick the show, then you are going to have to live with whatever image shows up—and you may not like it! So give the horse something to do that you WANT the horse to do." Pat Shipman, Ph.D.,

    ReplyDelete
  14. Dear Durrell, heartwarming. Yes, sigh. You might as well apply the list to people. Not that I would want all and sundry to sit on my lap.

    I particularly like your advice "never try too hard". I have probably told you this before, if so forgive me, it's called traumatized. My son wanted a cat, the cat had one litter. Three kittens. I fled and left it to midwife The Angel and all of his seven/eight years to cheer Fleury on and recording the EXACT time of all three arrivals. Everything was fine. Paradise. Until the day pills needed to be administered. I tried everything. And I mean everything. Not least deception. Then the Apple of my Eye ordered me to leave the room: "Stop flapping, Mama. Let me do it." Do it he did. Day after day. How I don't know. Yes, the cat whisperer.

    Will bear in mind your advice re geese. I would like a gander in my old age - but not at the expense of the Angel's apparel.

    U

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ursula

      animals can always sense intent
      It's a sense we humans have lost to much of a degree

      Delete
  15. You just me squeal , with laughter I must add. I've known a few Buntys over the years and you just captured the moment to the tee

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This Bunty is built like a brick shit house

      Delete
  16. I hope Bunty reads this.

    ReplyDelete
  17. With your mellifluous voice and natty wardrobe, I think you have special talents for #s 2 and 4 of your "Do" list.

    ReplyDelete
  18. I use the same approach when visiting a new cat in my care. Although, I have yet to lie down in a field face down. No...can't say I've done that. :) Slow and calm is the key. Your flowers must look 'smashing' in your cottage. Hugs, Deb

    ReplyDelete
  19. No 4 of the Don'ts - brilliant.
    I have 3 children (now grown) and wouldn't allow them to be Screamers.
    There is a couple of Screamers in the neighbourhood grrrr
    x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Children and nervous animals just don't mix
      Like gravy and ice cream
      They should never be seen together

      Delete
  20. I'll sit on your lap for a taste of dog food.

    Love,
    Janie

    ReplyDelete
  21. Wise advice, I have to agree with it all. I must say you have the patience of Job.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Believe me, I am one of the most impatient people out

      Delete
  22. Very useful advice, John. This works with skittish pets as well. BTW I just love #4 of your list of "What not to do" !

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I was going to write " rubber room" but thought better of it

      Delete
  23. beautiful flowers, and i've found the do's and don'ts you listed to work for me as well. Except for the crafty piss part. In my case, if i have to squat outside, i make sure to check for poison ivy first. EVERY time.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Do you,squat often Megan?

      Delete
  24. OK. I'm off to the Paseo right now to see what I can tame. Thanks!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. What's a passeo? Dare I ask?

      Delete
    2. Oh, in this case it's just a boulevard for taking strolls (ours runs alongside the beach). It's where all those barely clad guys go out for their daily runs, too.

      Delete
  25. Irene and Sylvia have come a long way!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And they still look scruffy buggers

      Delete
  26. I think you live in a sketch show or a quaint British tv programme where old famous people make funny cameos.x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think I live in a very strange world........I wonder if it is real?

      Delete
    2. I really hope so x

      Delete
  27. I'm pretty sure those runner ducks would have me screaming.
    So nice to hear the sheep have tamed down.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Terry I have only three left from the original 16
      And they are the most nervous

      Delete
  28. I never know if it'll be tears or quiet chuckling to myself when I come here. Today it's the quiet chuckling - thanks for that!

    ReplyDelete
  29. Great suggestions John to tame an animal. IT worked for me when I met Ron! lol

    ReplyDelete
  30. "The lesbian small holder"

    ReplyDelete

I love comments and will now try very hard to reply to all of them
Please dont be abusive x