Wednesday, 7 May 2014

Emergency Exit

Now, if the poultry and waterfowl start their calls of alarm
and I am in the cottage
I have to leg it out of the back door, down the gravel path, around the wall
Down the lane


Past the corner

Over the field to the Ukrainian Village

Not a huge run, but one complicated and delayed by gates, paths and greenery
And so yesterday I had a flash of inspiration and devised  a short cut from the cottage
to the field.


The short cut is a simple one
Metal chair against cottage wall
The idea was, 
Hear distress calls
Drop  tea towel
Leg it to emergency chair
Jump over wall
Run to field
Save birds
Simples

Yeah that's what I thought.

Message to self, 
Don't try this when you are nearly 52
Over weight 
And wearing crocs without the backs on.

The resulting fall over the wall on the dry run
looked a little like this





69 comments:

  1. Exactly what I was thinking as I was reading it and saw the chair at the wall.

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  2. A good idea, but you need to make the access point a little safer perhaps, rather than a chair a wooden platform and rather than leaping over the wall and possibly scaring some passing motorist to death, a nice calm dismount would be the order of the day.

    Your wall vaulting days sound like they are over, better practise some more if you want them back. But in the meantime remember more haste less speed, better a dead chicken than a seriously injured chicken keeper..

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    1. I'm not going down without a fight sue!

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  3. How about a couple of mattresses either side - springboard and soft landing area?

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    Replies
    1. What about a stannar stair lift?

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  4. 51? Overweight? Crocs? Clearly we have the same stylist !!! LOL

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  5. Let's hope you land on the fox.

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    1. Poor bastard if I ever did

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  6. No, you never put the backs on crocs! Ever!

    By the by, I've done a more in-depth Tom update on http://bit.ly/1jcLboy if you're interested!

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    1. Thanks for the Hippo update. That is one very nasty wound.

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    2. I have never seen anything as bad as that, poor man. I wonder how long he had to ignore pain and discomfort before he even thought to have a look at what was going on :-(

      Yuk, yuk and triple yuk!!

      Thanks for the update.

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    3. Thanks IG
      I will give him a bell sometime to see if he needs anything?

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  7. Tee-hee, that's funny, but go careful. (I love your cottage garden, it's so pretty.)

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    Replies
    1. It always looks it's best in may

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  8. Why don't you buy an electric fencer, John? You can get a mains electric fencer, a battery powered fencer and even a solar powered electric fencer. I use it to save grass but I am sure it would keep foxes away from your poultry.

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    Replies
    1. I used to have one Dave... The hens a free range over the acre field....so do the geese and ducks...it's too big

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  9. christ...don't fall on the birds! the fox will be the least of their problems!

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  10. Beautiful garden! How about a small three or four step ladder on either side of the wall? I've noticed our invincible days end in our mid-forties and it becomes more important to be safe rather than "cool". How dull.

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  11. I needed to read no further when I, too, saw the chair against the wall. Are ya skinned up?

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  12. And I was concerned about you vaulting into traffic! The crazy lady downstairs, uses a ladder to climb over her garden wall.

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  13. If you synchronized this entire journey with James Bond music it would be kick-ass!!

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  14. Ouch. Maybe it's time to install a back door in the cottage.

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  15. Oh my God, John...I almost lost my coffee.

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  16. Oh no! LOL Time to get an electric fence love. That or a Llama to ward off the predators.

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  17. Random question...do you have pro-Russian insurgents in the Ukrainian village?

    I hope it didn't hurt...

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  18. Do you really think this is a wise move? Remember your window incident?
    Jane x

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  19. John, you really do need your own television show!

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    Replies
    1. Put me forward for one...I need the money

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    2. The Benny Hill theme music is suddenly running through my brain.

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  20. Damn it, can't see the result of your leap of faith. Hope you're not too bashed up. The only thing more stupid than crocs for climbing in is flip flops. I have the scars to prove it.

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  21. I was going to suggest a manly leap over the front wall, as part of your exercise regimen. Perhaps that will have to wait until you've reached a more advanced stage of fitness.

    And now I have an image of Winnie standing on the chair, front paws on top of the wall, looking down with bemused resignation at you lying flat-out in the lane.

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    Replies
    1. Luckily there was no witnesses!

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  22. And here's me just thinking as I read it, "that'll do his weight loss good"!

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    Replies
    1. Me too... first thing I thought of.

      cheers, parsnip

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  23. I'm a bit worried that you'll end up straddled across the wall with a voice a few octaves higher !!
    Your Montana Rubens is a picture. XXXX

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    1. The Montana was originally a small cutting nicked from a neighbour

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  24. uh oh....hope your ok.

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    Replies
    1. Bruised pride........scuffed butt

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  25. When we had chickens I had our little Sophie trained to run out barking her fool head off. No chickens anymore but all I have to say is “what’s that” and the little weasel takes off screaming through the gardens.

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    Replies
    1. All four dogs have been standing guard most of the afternoon

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  26. A good short cut is never easy! No 12 bore to carry with you?

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    Replies
    1. Might cause a bit of a stir in sainsbury's

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  27. I love my crocs but sometimes I fall out of them. At least crocs are soft it hurts a lot more in clogs the wood can really dig in

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    Replies
    1. I also scuffed my bum on the wall top

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  28. Pole vault ? Trampoline ? Two ladders one either side ?

    Short cuts never really seem to work !

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  29. A pair of stilts might work well. I can see you legging it down the lane as I speak.
    Maybe a little gate in the rock wall is the proper thing to do, we don't want our favourite blogger to be injured.
    Lovely garden lane there.
    ~Jo

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  30. I like the idea of a trampoline... Thanks so much for the video, though. (But you might also consider wearing pants.)

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  31. Oh you do cheer me up x

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  32. why don't you go out the front door?

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  33. Smart arse
    X

    Lol
    Cottages like ours never use their front doors much

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  34. Ouch!
    Everything looks green and lovely.

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  35. " The idea was,
    Hear distress calls
    Drop tea towel..."

    Cunning plans like this are all very well, but there is usually a flaw that their creator is too close to the action to notice. For example suppose, just suppose, that you were not carrying a tea towel with you at the time? How then would you execute the first essential step of your plan immediately after the distress call eh? I suggest you keep a tea towel in your pocket at all times just in case. But perhaps I have misjudged you. Perhaps you do.

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    1. No tea towel?
      Then I would run around in circles screaming

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    2. Ah... good plan... for then, on hearing your cries of distress the poultry would come running towards YOU. Even better!

      If we put our two clever heads together we may get this all sorted out in the optimum manner.

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  36. why not use a step stool?

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  37. A step stool on one side and a slide on the other....

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  38. Crocs are not the shoes of heroes. I discovered that in the desert sands.

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  39. Or... just move to live in the Ukranian village...

    There is usually more than one answer

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  40. Some plans sound good in theory. It is in the execution of the plan that serious flaws are often found.
    I think I would remove enough of those million year old field stone in the wall & put a gate in. If the stone wall is falling apart as much as you've said in the past, it should be pretty easy to take out a meter length of wall, take a masonry bit and drill in the hinges & voila, a gate to the Ukranian Village. Best part is no climbing for those who fear heights & ladders.

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  41. I would break my back. Again.

    Love,
    Janie

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