Thursday, 9 January 2014

" The Bastards"

The Bastards
Meet " The Bastards"
These two young and badly behaved lodgers arrived just after Christmas and will be guests on the field until sometime in February. They are the property of the owner of a local bed & breakfast, who is off to Malaysia for a month. I didn't know him from Adam when he turned up with the sob story of not having a goose sitter, but true to form, I accepted the challenge, even though the new bees are two of the most narky, bad tempered birds that I have ever had the misfortune to meet.
Ever since they arrived the resident flock of geese, the sheep and a few of the older, slower hens have been pecked,intimidated and bullied , so much so That I have had to employ a daily regime of behavior modification in order to  assert my dominance over the pair, who think nothing of slipping an orange beak down the crack of your underpants in order to grab a pound of flesh when you are bending over a feed bucket!

So, every morning I will drag each bird out of their house. Take a firm hold of their neck and wings, then will take a walk around the field with the bird tightly tucked underneath my armpit.
It's an old trick that can tame an aggressive cockerel, for after a while, you can actually feel the bird " relax" a sign that it has accepted you are the boss.
It's labour intensive...but effective.
And so, every morning I look like a strange Scot playing a set of white bagpipes around the field, as " The Bastards" are hopefully transformed from evil devil birds to a pair of twittering canaries .
Having said this, I was goosed in the knackers rather violently only this morning, when I dropped my guard opening up the goose house......

Slowly slowly catchy monkey.
The gentle and well behaved resident  flock
Winnie, the graceful and rather beautiful Camilla , Russell and Jo

65 comments:

  1. This made me smile. I have a friend who rears geese for the table at Christmas and he reckons they are untameable. So I shall be interested to hear if it works John. I reared two from eggs and had them for a year. They became so agressive they all but killed a dear little white bantam, so I gave them to my friend and I suppose they eventually ended up as somebody's Christmas dinner. Can't say I missed them.

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    1. Of my resident four, three were hand reared and those three are gentle and well behaved.....
      The picking up therapy seems to be working as both new geese are now generally keeping their distance from me
      We will indeed see pat x

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  2. Hmmm...my grandfather used to have a couple of rather feisty ganders that ruled his orchard. I remember hiding behind his legs as they came rushing to the gates honking and flapping as he unlocked them to dish out feed....pretty scary when you are the same height as their beaks. Didn't put me off going with him to collect bantam eggs for my breakfast though ;)

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    1. The trick with geese is to stand your ground and flap your arms at them when they rush you

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    2. Will remember that if I am ever in a position to keep geese! Remember that they were very good guard'dogs' tho and that's why Grandad kept them....plus the fact that he was the worlds biggest softy and couldn't kill them for Christmas, so they lived out their lives chasing anyone who set foot in the orchard without Grandad :D

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  3. Just because Christmas is over doesn't mean you can't cook a goose....

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  4. Mine used to be a right bastard and always went for little Alex until I taught him how to grab it by the neck and give it a flying lesson!

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    1. That's the rule
      Neck first
      Body second!

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  5. Roast Goose? How Lovely!

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  6. Now they really do sound despotic!

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  7. John the Ark is growing. I wonder what he would have done if you had said no due to the grounds being so wet or something, like you also going on holiday (I cant think of a reason, but you know what I mean).

    Where did you learn all of this stuff? I would never have a clue about any of that type of thing. The last think I would want to do is pick one up near my face when it has already attacked me.

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    1. I am a poultry fact sponge

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  8. Great post! I wonder who told the owner that you would 'have them' whilst he went away on his jaunt?

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    1. Ah..........a lady from the village....

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  9. It sounds like the birds were left with one of the few people who wouldn't roast them while the owner is away.

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  10. can't wait to see the outcome of this war. watch your back...side!

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  11. Geese are intelligent, just when you think you've got them sorted you'll get 'goosed' all over again ... tee hee :-)

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  12. Oh the terrors! But I am sure that you will tame those two one way or another!

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    1. Any other pointers Vera?

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  13. As with most bastards....never turn your back on them! You just have a great reputation as a care giver and the word is spreading!

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  14. I bet being goosed this morning was an eye watering experience ?

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    1. Depends who is goosing you

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  15. I fear their rightful owner will return and suggest that you keep them John.

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  16. "who think nothing of slipping an orange beak down the crack of your underpants in order to grab a pound of flesh" - you are not talking about chris here, correct? ;-)

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    1. Last tine I looked chris didn't have a beak x

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  17. Babysitting geese, is where I would draw the line. Nasty things!

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  18. Oh yes, roast goose, must be too many years since I had that LOL!
    Not a nice place to put ice for bruising pecks...........

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  19. You have far more patience than I, Farmer John. I'd be chasing them around the place with whatever tool came to hand. Which would be just as entertaining a sight as your white bagpipes, no doubt.

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  20. I hope you are charging the owner for B@B.
    Jane x

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  21. Sob story ~ do you take teenagers too?

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  22. Hey John: Those two bastards look like Pekin ducks to me - what type of geese are they?

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    1. Carol, they are , I suspect Embden geese

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    2. I have never heard of those - thanks for the info, John!

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  23. I had to use this same tactic with Sophie when she was a young. It worked and she learned I/we were the boss of her!! lol

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    1. For those that don't know spphie is a dog not a girlfriend

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    2. Oh right! lol

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  24. I wonder what the B&B owner will say when he comes back to The Bastards being so well behaved.

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  25. I called my brother and told him he had to go to your blog and read it.I love what you called them. ( the geese). I Love love love stopping by every day and read about your next adventures. So entertaining. Tata tea for now from Iowa:)

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    1. I hope he enjoys this rubbish as much as you do... Thank you x

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  26. :-) gone on holiday my arse.

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  27. I hope your pound of flesh heals quickly ;)
    It sounds like their owners need a little teaching, maybe you could offer them your solution to putting badly behaved geese in their place, and save some unsuspecting guest a surprise poke in the bum !
    Lovely of you to help him out.
    ~Jo

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  28. Next time I have to deal with an aggressive cock I will take your advice... place it under my armpit and wait for it to relax Thankyou X

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  29. Not heard of doing that before. Hope you weren't wearing your oneies when you're carrying them around the field! I tend to get rid of any animals that are aggressive if I can. Not sure I'd have taken them in to be honest, you're too kind really

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    1. I am hoping their owner will buy a couple of bags of corn or pellets as a thank you.....I am not THAT altruistic kev

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  30. When you write the book of your life you could call it
    " Goosed in the knackers"

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    1. One of my better phrases I feel x

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  31. Sorry,,,but have just read the comment from ericstaffy.......hysterical!

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  32. Crazy geese. And they always have an unerring aim.

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  33. They probably sound a lot more tuneful than the bagpipes!! And I'm Scottish!

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  34. Love the phrase, 'behaviour modification' - lottsa luck x

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  35. I wonder how many of the B&B customers they chased off..

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  36. My grandad used to have a flock? of geese. The head of the family was a "bastard" named Nelson as he only had one eye. He was fine if you approached him from the seeing side but if you got on his blind side he would run at you wings a flapping and peck the living daylights out of whatever unfortunate bit of flesh was on show! Wish I knew then how to tame him!

    Jo in Auckland, NZ

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    1. Creep up on my blind slide and if would peck you in the knackers

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  37. I learn the most interesting information when I visit you.

    Love,
    Janie

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  38. Ah now these are the type of geese i remember in my youth...

    you be brave, john!

    xoxox

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  39. They *look* like ill mannered birds. Good luck, John!

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  40. I can well believe the B&B owner had no sitter; those geese have likely worn out their welcome anywhere else :)

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  41. Reading upside down I now know why in your previous (new) post you had a fright: You temporarily misplaced your B&B geese.

    Happened to me, at least once. Looking after my neighbour's and friend guinea pigs. I hate guinea pigs. Still, I am a good person and I did all one can do for guinea pigs (or a friend). One of the bastards escaped. I don't pray (other than when in dire need of immediate help) so I prayed. I found the little blighter. All it took was squeezing my slender frame through another and another's hedge. Once I had grabbed the escapee I had to remind myself that mission accomplished and there was little point strangling it.

    U

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