Monday, 8 July 2013

Two Legs In One Hole

I didn't sleep well last night. A huge badger spent an age mooching around the animal feed bins during the wee small hours and as our bedroom window was open on one of the hottest evenings of the year, we could hear every bang,clatter and grunt as he manfully tried to remove the metal bin lids from their containers.
Finally I couldn't bear it any longer, so I grabbed a pair of shorts and t shirt and staggered off down stairs to see the intruder off.
I got dressed in the kitchen and hurried out onto the lane where I realised that I had somehow jammed  two legs in just one leg of my shorts.
Now, this has never happened to me before.
but I learnt very quickly that it is incredibly difficult ( but not impossible) to walk quickly and effectively in a straight line when you can't " spread your legs properly" so to speak.
It was 1 am in the morning, so I couldn't  be arsed re dressing myself properly, so I minced down the lane in a series of " baby-doll" steps to chase away a fat arsed badger with a taste for poultry corn.
Then minced all the way back to bed.
Thank goodness no one was around.
I looked like the worst drag queen on God's Earth

62 comments:

  1. Next time, try two cartridges into one barrel.

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    1. I am thinking of learning to shoot cro but only foxes

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  2. bwhahahahaha! at 5:30a this scene makes me laugh my fat arse off!

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    1. Well that makes two of us with fat arses

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  3. At 1.00 am I was awake hugging a bottle of iced water having just been told I was snoring. No sleep till 4.00 thanks to flush inducing irritation having been woken from a deep sleep. I retaliated with much hayfevery nose honking and wafty fanning of a magazine.

    I feel someone should try and do cartoons of your antics - I may try when I have the time.

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    1. Great idea - Simon could draw "Simon's Welsh Klutz" along with Simon's Cat!!!

      Nancy in Iowa

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    2. Klutz? How VERY DARE you

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  4. Next time, please wake up Chris and have pictures taken. They would cheer me up any day.
    Els

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  5. John, best you start deciding who you want to play you in the inevitable sitcom about your life!

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    1. If anyone says Christopher Biggins I will scream

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    2. I vote for Rebus (Ken Stott) as long as he can do a Welsh voice.
      Els

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  6. you need a reality TV show! i would watch it!

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  7. My smile and chuckle for the day....there has to be a comedy show made....this is really good stuff!

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  8. Somewhere the CIA are ROTFL as they watch from their satellite.

    (Thanks for visiting my blog. Have lost interest in my own blog, but still happily reading others. xx)

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  9. Manfully ... now that is a good word. It's a shame you used it for the badgers and not your Jake the peg chase!

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    1. Manfully is one of my favourite words Sarah!

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  10. My favourite weight loss pictures are ones where a person gets into one leg of a pair of trousers from their fatter days. Does two legs in one short hole mean Weightwatchers is working??

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    Replies
    1. Elastic gives a lot Denise

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  11. Amazed the badger din't just turn round and laugh at you...

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  12. Laughed out loud in my office full of 'beige engineers' in my lunch hour, and can't explain why to them!

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  13. Replies
    1. No just a smile
      They were my normal shorts I pulled on not underwear!

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  14. It's starting to happen, John, there is no escaping it!

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  15. I'm amazed that Albert didn't race after you! Oh, well, I suppose that all the critters around your cottage - Chris included - are so very used to your antics!

    Nancy in Iowa

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  16. Mincing along it must have been but must have felt good to fit into one side of your shorts !

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    Replies
    1. Elastic helps a great deal....elastic

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  17. Nowhere in the whole world does anyone have the adventures that you have John (or if they do then they don't come into blogland) - I laugh at your capers almost every day.

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  18. Your life is on par with Mrs. Brown's boys, one of the funniest television shows I have ever watched !
    Feck !
    ~Jo

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    1. I swear almost as much as she does

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  19. Just when I think I have already laughed to completion over your antics, up you go and do it again!

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  20. You really are an original 'pantaloon'. I couldn't have made it up myself!

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    1. I think I am just a lazy arse

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  21. I SEE you, John - now just add a pair of incredibly high High Heels and you know how we feel in a smart pencil skirt.

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  22. SWEET FANCY MOSES I DEMAND A VISUAL!!
    Can you reenact the one pant leg thing for us all and take a picture?? pretty please? LOL

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  23. Oh John.....only you.......thanks for the laugh x

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  24. I so want to move to your neighborhood. Who needs cable ?

    cheers, parsnip

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  25. I nearly spit coffee on my keyboard laughing. Thanks John!

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  26. absolutely wetting myself laughing

    I think Tena lady should sponsor your blog. they would make a killing.

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  27. OMW I was just about to log off to go to bed, when I saw your post. You crack me up, John. I also wish I lived in your neighborhood just to see what you're up to next!

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  28. Takes a lot to make me LOL, but by cod you've done it :)

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  29. Thanks for THAT bracing image! :D

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  30. Even if any Trewlawnydians had been around they wouldn't have batted an eyelid. They are used to "The mad earl who lives up by the church and fills his dustbin with scotch egg wrappers!" Nothing would surprise them.

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  31. I don't know what's more scary, the picture you paint, or the picture you used :-O

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  32. Now you know what those magic knickers feel like

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  33. No pictures of this scene?

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  34. Ya dozy git. Like all your other readers, I would have loved to see you tottering around.

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  35. Oh, for a photo of life on your farm at 4 am.

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  36. This is what comes of trying to put shorts on over your head. One should only dress when fully awake.

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  37. That was hilarious.

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  38. You have made me day and, as always, I wish there had been pictures.

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  39. Oh John, you are my favorite blogger of all time! Don't ever change!

    plufrompdx

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  40. I couldn't if I tried xxxx

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  41. You may scoff at Christopher Biggins, John, but he DID appear in The Rocky Horror Picture Show.
    Actually, I was thinking more Gerard Depardieu. So the whole story would have to be moved to Provence. ;-)

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  42. I love you John Gray, whenever I am feeling in the pits I come onto your blog and laugh my arse off!! Thanks, what would we do without your antics.

    Jo in NZ

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  43. A similar incident sent me running out in my boxers at 3am the other morning. Like you, I was glad no one was about. Lane

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