Wednesday, 7 March 2012

Three Baths

scummy water in my THIRD bath of the day
Today, I started to clear the old pig enclosure of a year's pig rooting debris.
If I could have chosen a different location for it, I think I would have done as in its present location at the bottom of the field the pen has a tendency to become boggy, especially after several hundred weight of pork had been rooting about in it.
One part of the pen remains dreadfully dirty, and after the recent downpours I could still make out pools of pig urine soaking the surface of the mud....not a nice area in which to work!
I was down there not five minutes when it started to lash down with rain, and remembering that I had left the tops off the feed bins I tried an "overly fast tip toe" kind of jog over the mud and back to the field, like the old stupid fart that I am!

BIG MISTAKE

My left  short welly disappeared into the mud almost up to the knee and the momentum of my body tore my foot out of it again and I kind of toppled arm, shoulder and head first into the biggest pool of piss and shit this side of Dyserth!
The smell was dreadful! and all I could think of, as I dragged myself to the surface was the fact that my digital camera was tucked away in my pocket. My foot then came out of my other wellie shoe as I tried to get to my feet and I had lost my woolly hat somewhere....and with shit all up my nose and in my ear I struggled out of the pen.
I am such a clumsy tit, I am always falling over, but this was my biggest and best pratfall to date! 
With only one rubber shoe on, I staggered back to the cottage, praying that no one would see me and in front of an astonished group of dogs I stripped off completely in the kitchen and retrieved the shit stained digital camera from out of my pocket

The dirt AFTER my SECOND BATH!-The Camera took an AGE to clean off
I cleaned and dried the camera (and tested it when I was having my second bath!!!! amazingly it is still working) and have just finished the last of three baths in order to get rid of the stench.
My jogging bottoms have been thrown in a bin bag with my socks and underwear and I still haven't bothered trying to locate my lost shoe.... I am presently wrapped up in my dressing gown, towels and a blanket on the couch

At times like these....I fantasise about living in the clean and tidy city

64 comments:

  1. Thank God that our computer screens do not have 'scratch and sniff'.
    Jane x

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  2. All I can say is God bless the clean and tidy city!!! (Sorry, but I'd throw out the camera... and the shoes, boots, jogging bottoms, socks, underwear, kitchen flooring, and the bathtub.)

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  3. o.k....so again I am in stitches.....poor you... not a fun start to the day......but...I am still laughing......

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  4. Such is life in the country! LOL I agree with Jane and Chris about the 'scratch and sniff' ;) My middle son worked on a pig farm before and after school his last year. He had this slight 'odor' about him even after showering..poor boy. He stuck with that job until just before graduation. He managed to get rid of the (eau de swine)before the big ceremony. Hope you find your shoe!
    Maura :)

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  5. No need for scratch and sniff, I can imagine it. Disgusting. I would love to have seen the expressions on the dogs faces!

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  6. I'm so sorry but I am laughing so much it hurts, I have been in the same situation with a stuck wellie many times on the allotment, its a sort of dilema of what do I do next kind of thing.
    But....so glad you didn't hurt yourself, could have been nasty..
    Briony
    x

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  7. Somehow John, I don't think the city would be so clean and tidy if you lived there.
    Just saying...

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  8. After sitting in the mucky bathtub you're sure to have a bathtub ring around you. lol. What a morning you've had. Best have a big old feed of pork tonight to make yourself feel better.

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  9. Probably the "best" belly laugh I will have all day. Thanks John ! Should you worry about a camera getting moisture in it, put it into some rice, apparently it works ! Unfortunately last Spring I dropped my digital into the dog's water dish ... I cried.

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  10. Absolutely identify with your muddy tumble and hope you are clean all over once more. PS. After nearly four years with having to make do with a flannel, bowl and soap we are almost on the brink of being able to have a proper wash down...our shower is nearly ready....Whooppeeee! Glad, therefore, that my muddy poo experiences have never gone further than my knees!

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  11. Oh John. You certainly can tell a story.
    :-)
    Hope your evening treats you well! ♥

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  12. Nothing brightens my day as much as a well told story from Going Gently. I am almost convinced that you have amusing mishaps just so there's material for your blog! (almost)
    Oh, and sorry about the pig crap up your nose.
    Cheers!!!

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  13. All I could think as I read your story was, "Man, I'm glad I'm not a pig who has to LIVE in that mess!" bleah...

    There is a saying on this side of the pond--maybe on yours, too--"Step in shit, lucky all day." It's a family favorite, since my aunt fell into the outhouse as a child and was lucky her whole life. In other words, I think you're one lucky SOB!

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  14. Revenge of the Pigs

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  15. I agree with Dolores, have a nice big pork chop tonight and treat yourself to a bottle of wine after your trauma...and thank you for making me laugh!
    Jo xx

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  16. Oh my!!! I am sitting here laughing...what a picture! I hope that you find your shoe. Many lessons can be learned from this. I bet you will always remember to cover the feed bins.

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  17. Sorry John but, HAHAHAHAHAHA! You couldn't write this stuff. Oh but look, you have.

    And the photos are...ahem...classy. Thank you :)

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  18. oh but John, where would that leave us?!!!! life would have certainly been boring today IF I hadn't had the chance to see your legs immersed in "piggy" bathwater!

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  19. Hahahahahahah! and hahahahaha!

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  20. kelly
    not EVEN for poetic licence!!!
    tell you one thing..... the whole bloody thing has made me insist that we buy a power shower

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  21. I googled power shower, just to be sure. I also came up with shower power, which you might consider stocking in case you lose yourself in a pig bog again. Great story. Thanks.

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  22. Poor sausage, I like your feet. Well formed, well preserved.

    If all else fails rub yourself down with lemon juice. Or garlic.

    U

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  23. I could visualise it all so clearly! and it was hilarious (sorry).

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  24. For a second I thought you were getting into 'a new phase' for your blog!
    Holy shit! That's all I can say!

    Oh yes, I'd like to introduce you to my husband Ron.....you DO have something in common after all! oopps!

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  25. OMG! I'm gagging just imagining the smell!

    Stay in, dry off and consider some 'dusting powder'...

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  26. I'm with Vera, at least you have a bath, John!

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  27. My morning is always brighter after a visit to Going Gently. Did you get the tops on the feed?

    Thanks for the belly laugh. Maybe the "skunk" solution would have reduced the number of baths (hydrogen peroxide, baking soda and dishwashing soap).

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  28. I'm at a loss for words...hysterically laughing of course, but at a loss for words, ha.

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  29. You get the prize for the most descriptive blog post. I could not stop laughing out loud.

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  30. Give it a little time and you will laugh about it, when you tell your friends about your adventure on the farm. When I was young I also lived on my Dads farm and had lots of adventures like yours. I really miss the farm and the adventures I had.

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  31. Get all the perfumes of Arabia out John - you'll be a chicken/pig/goose/turkey lover again by tomorrow - it is only a temporary aberration. Nice that it is not smelly vision in blogland.

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  32. After all that muck did you find any brass?

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  33. Pleased to observe that the first photo was judiciously cropped! You will now have to see what rolling around in genuine Welsh pig shit does for your skin. It's just possible that it could take off as a new beauty product - Exclusive natural body cream from our organic perfumery in the verdant foothills of Mount Snowdon.

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  34. My lady should be more sympathetic but she laughed and laughed! She knows what this is all about though, since she has lost a wellie and gone face first into the muck. It was, however, lovely smelling horse and goatie muck and not disgusting piggie muck. This compares mightily to Claire at Whispering Acres and her dash through the winter night after her bathrobe was stripped from her at the hen house door a few years back. Tee hee! xoxoxo

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  35. DID Benny Hill fall over alot tom?

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  36. I can empathise John, but with me it's cow and sheep shit that I lose my gumboots in, and that is violets and roses compared to the piggy product when it comes to pong. And stickiness.

    And yes, you must get a good powerful shower. Much more efficient than a bath for getting crap off!

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  37. Yukk! I hope the pigs appreciate what you go through to clean up their pen. A power shower would certainly be a big improvement on baths. I don't think there are many people still using those quaint water receptacles.

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  38. Awww shit! Now that's what I call getting down and dirty!

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  39. In horses we say "the cleaner the horse, the dirtier the groom".

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  40. Oh yuk, YUK, YUUUUKK !
    The whole thing sounds YUK!
    Pools of pig urine??? Still????
    Hard to imagine for an Aussie where anything like that would have been absorbed into the soil long ago..... unless you were in a place where floods are presently making that impossible. Then it would be swirling through the countryside, towns and into houses with all the other unspeakable stuff that is being carried along by the raging torrents.
    Wouldn't a shower have got rid of the stinky stuff more efficiently ?
    Cheers

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  41. Oh, poor you, poor doggies and poor Chris! Try bathing in white vinegar.

    I have to agree with Elaine and Jan. Sorry.

    Better days ahead, John.

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  42. I bathed in dettol SAS
    and alot of it!!!

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  43. I got down wind of you from here. Glad I didn't have to clean the bath

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  44. sniff sniff, phew wee :O)

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  45. Nice legs and feet though:)

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  46. it always happens to you doesn't it?

    Gill

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  47. And just think, you are planning to eat, what made that smell :)

    I once dated a pig farmer, he was a swine.
    ~Jo

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  48. Oh, dear Lord, John! You poor, stumbling pig man! I can't stop laughing - mostly because I'm so glad it wasn't me. The worst I remember doing is stepping in dog shit or cat vomit - your story makes those horrid events seem almost sanitary!!!!

    Nancy in Iowa

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  49. What a HOOT! That is just too funny! Sorry, hope you are doing okay.

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  50. Wow, that was a dirty post in more ways than one. Number two being the bathtub porn! Showing a bit of leg in Trelawnyd, eh?

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  51. a) As a youngster on the family farm, we were well acquainted with mucking out hog styes, and chicken coops. Me youngest brother, as a toddler, got stuck in a bog of pig swill/shite and we just laughed and left him.
    b) Two weeks ago I broke my left ankle on a mild hike in a local park and realize now I should have just let myself fall vs trying not to fall and putting too much of a strain on my left ankle so that what could have been a bad strain in reality became an ankle fracture. Dang. Dang. Dang. A good soak is a good idea.

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  52. a) As a youngster on the family farm, we were well acquainted with mucking out hog styes, and chicken coops. Me youngest brother, as a toddler, got stuck in a bog of pig swill/shite and we just laughed and left him.
    b) Two weeks ago I broke my left ankle on a mild hike in a local park and realize now I should have just let myself fall vs trying not to fall and putting too much of a strain on my left ankle so that what could have been a bad strain in reality became an ankle fracture. Dang. Dang. Dang. A good soak is a good idea.

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  53. a) as a youngster on my parents farm, I was well acquainted with pig swill/shite and me youngest brother became "stuck" in the swill/run off. Very funny.
    b) two weeks ago, while hiking in nearby park, I fractured my ankle having stepped on a small rock and rolled it; instead of falling to the ground and allowing the ligament to sprain, I insisted on standing/catching myself and the weight broke the ankle. Dang dang dang.

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  54. Norman effing Wisdom. As happy as a pig in shit!

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  55. I went out to dinner with some old friends,had some glasses of wine, probably one more than would be considered proper, turned on blogger and saw your picture in the bathtub, and thought, well, a picture is worth a thousand words. No need to read further. I do hope it was relaxing.
    Arleen

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  56. It was the habit of all of my brothers to put firecrackers in cow manure. The fresher the better. Exploding cow patties achieve quite a velocity.
    Poor you. I hope you can bear to smell yourself now.

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  57. Ohhhhh Noooooo! John. John. John.Or should I say Roger. Roger. Roger?! Here I am snorting/laughing at midnight, trying not to awaken Patrick. With the title of this post I assumed it was about giving 3 pooches each a bath. Instead it was Dirty-John! Too funny my friend. You need a vacation to the city. Better call your buddy Nu and set a date!xx-c

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  58. One of these times you're going to bruise more than your ego, I tell my own husband as he does the same sort of thing..... And we live in the burbs!

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  59. You dirty creature you. I winced at the camera as well as the state of you. The other day my cellphone bounced out of my pocket coming home from mowing the churchyard on my ride-on mower and until I found it on the road I was convinced I'd mowed it to pieces. Will you be getting more pigs then?

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  60. yes I think we will but the ground is so wet and unhealthy in the pen, I want to get rid of the badness out of the earth and re seed it before we do!

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  61. That was the BEST LAUGH I have had in AGES! You are HILARIOUS!

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  62. Like Janet, i'm also curious, did you manage to close the bin lids?

    I'm sorry this happened to you, and all i could think when you described falling was how i fell and broke my leg. I'm glad that nothing's broken, and the smell will wear off after a bit.

    megan

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