Thursday, 8 March 2012

Rudeness, unhappiness or Cruelty?

Thursday's are recycle day here in Trelawnyd.
We have a whole plethora of overlarge sacks in which we have to divide our tins, plastics and what-not, and have been given strict instructions to have the whole shebang out on the road by 7 am for collection.
If we forget to separate our colours from the whites so to speak, the wrath of Flintshire County Council will be upon us... but that's another story.

No, I was thinking of our principle refuse collector this morning. He is a fairly morose man who can come across as rather rude. A couple of years ago, by way of a small bribe, I offered him a few eggs as he loaded up an extra large load from us and after looking at me briefly he just shook his head saying a somewhat brusque "no".
Now was he being rude... well yes I think he was.......Did he mean to be rude? ...well perhaps not...but immediately I had ticked the box that had him forever down as a rude old git who refused my kind offer of  box of eggs.

We are all too quick to take umbrage when we feel slighted or insulted and bloody hell I am the worst culprit of this affliction, as I can take a slight rebuff or rude comment very much to heart,  but I must admit, the older I get the more pragmatic I try to be when dealing with it all.

Instead of festering, I tend to now challenge "rude" behaviour at source. The biochemist at work with the unfortunate telephone manner was challenged with an assertive "Have I done something to upset you?" and a family acquaintance who became rather po faced at the pub was faced with a jolly but pointed "THAT sounded rather rude!"
Both reacted in a rather surprised manner, as they had no real awareness that they were being perceived as being rude.....one was having a shit morning.. the other was just a bit of an eccentric....conflict diffused!

I worked with a psychologist who was very good at doing this...... "Reflect the anger right back at them " she used to say "do NOT take it away with you!"

However, some mischievous people simply like being rude. To them, the throwing in a of a "grenade" so to speak , is sport to enjoy.Thankfully there are not many of these around, the criminal, legal and psychiatric system has hoovered many of them up and in my experience these people tend to be overly bright, overly bored and at times overly unhappy

My mother could be incredibly rude.  and her rudeness was wrapped up with depression, too much gin and a great unhappiness and bitterness about her life. This is the most terrible of all rude behaviours to deal with, I think, as the very thing that she needed ie. the warmth of relationships was the very thing her off hand nature disallowed her from experiencing....
anyhow I digress

The refuse lorry has just been past the cottage..... I went out to the back wall and gave the stony faced collector a cheerful wave.
Surprisingly........ I got one back!

Anyhow I will leave you on a positive note, here is "Kentucky" the hen that was dropped off in the bucket a few days ago. She is bright, bouncy and incredibly tame, and has joined the older hens in their coop without a problem........

             

42 comments:

  1. “A little rudeness and disrespect can elevate a meaningless interaction to a battle of wills and add drama to an otherwise dull day.”
    ― Bill Watterson, The Complete Calvin and Hobbes

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  2. John, I think I was hinting at the subject of that cracking quote when I was talking about some people being bored!!!

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  3. Playful rudeness I can cope with. Serious rudeness always throws me.

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  4. There is a sometimes a fine line between the two cro....
    the important thing is to realise the intention behind the rudeness....

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  5. I think you make a worthy point in that, most of the time, the people who are being rude are being so unintentionally... sometimes pointing it out to them can be a kindness all round.

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  7. You are such a positive chap John - I send you a smile from here in North Yorkshire.

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  8. Pat
    I try to be.... It doesnt ALWAYS work though

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  9. You described my neighbour perfectly as one who likes to be rude as he sees it as being rather controversial. He told another neighbour he was an anarchist (this is the guy who painted his house bright yellow).

    OOH SPOOKY! as I type the council men are taking my recycling :-O

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  10. Good Morning John!! I'm right there with you on the rudeness--But we have a kid across the road from us and each day I see him as he stands out there waiting for the school bus and I wave and smile as I drive passed--I get a blank stare from him each time--Its been six months and I'm determined to change that! :-)

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  11. I'll try the same reflection technique with you, the next time you leave a comment on my blog, then. (Cheery wave from Tom :)

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  12. I'm an atheistic anarchist - How does that grab you.

    I like being 'provocative', particularly with a bent towards promoting an animated but friendly discussion. I abhor downright crude, brash rudeness with an intention to cause affront.

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  13. I thought you did that anyway Tom

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  14. And John waves cheerfully back at Tom!

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  15. Rudeness I can take. You can always turn your back on it and walk away or just absorb it like a sponge. A rude sponge.

    Senseless spite needs to be tackled head on.

    I'd be miserable clearing up other folks crap too (not an excuse, just an observation).

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  16. good point chris
    I think I agree with you

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  17. Point taken...
    I shall be nicer with my comments from now on :)
    ~Jo

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  18. Last night I finished reading City of Thieves (fantastic book, btw) and the heroes spent the entire tale looking for a dozen eggs ... a plot that might be lost on the garbage collector.

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  19. Good advice about "do not take it with you". Giving it back would take them back a bit giving the person a jolt of realization (I think sadly for some there is no hope)

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  20. Glad to hear Kentucky has settled in well!

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  21. Kentucky as in KFC?

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  22. He'll not wave to you again once he's discovered those jogging bottoms you threw away yesterday!! :-D X

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  23. yes travel
    see previous post on her
    she was dumped on me in a bucket!

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  24. I also tend to brood on "rude" remarks instead of challenging them. Must take your advice. As you say, quite often the person didn't intend to be rude and just got out of bed the wrong way. Or has some horrendous problem to deal with....

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  25. There is something about the morose gloomy rude and uncommunicative that drives me to great lengths. I insist on speaking to them and sharing the sunshine whether they like it or not lol.

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  26. There is a saying "always be kind for everyone is fighting their own hard battle", which I try to remember but it's not easy when some old bag in the supermarket has just bumped her trolley into your knee to alert you to the fact that you're standing in her way.

    Now that I am getting on a bit I now longer pussyfoot around people - it's called being a doormat - and if people are rude I'm rude back. It usually works very well.

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  28. nick
    dont get me wrong... I can simmer on a remark and just as "bitchy " as anyone else ......
    like Jack Nicolson almost said in AS GOOD AS IT GETS
    "I want to be a better person"

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  29. My comment posted twice so I deleted one - didn't mean to be rude or mysterious !!

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  30. I get accused of being rude sometimes. I prefer to think of it as honesty. I grew up in Yorkshire. We're known for being 'blunt'.

    On the other hand. I always say 'please' and 'thank you' and hold doors open for little old ladies, or anyone who's carrying lots of stuff.

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  31. I too have been offered their eggs by a few women and I've given them a stern look in reply. A cheery wave is a different matter altogether....

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  32. nota
    didnt Dorothy Parker say something like that?

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  33. Some people mistakenly think they are clever, when in fact, they are rude. Like you, I take offense too easily.

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  34. "Reflect the anger right back at them" she used to say" do NOT take it away with you!"

    This is so true. Sometimes, i find it hard to do and carry it away by the lorryload.

    Like you, there are times where offhand remarks hurt me much more than they probably should. At other times, i not only reflect their anger back at those from whom it originated, but i also add a bit from my own stores. Just for good measure.

    Some realise immediately that they are in the presence of a master and back away; others need to be shown much more clearly, and i usually oblige. It's good to rotate the stock every now and then.

    megan

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  35. excellent to all!

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  36. A cheery wave and a bright smile is very hard to resist, so there you have it!

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  37. You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar

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  38. Our mail man is a grumpy guy. He has delivered our mail for years. Never once a smile and he won't look at me either. Whatever.

    Kentucky is a gorgeous little gal! xoxo

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  39. Maybe the refuse guy thought you were giving him a handout and was insulted by the gesture because he was embarrassed. Or maybe he didn't like his job. Still, no need to be rude to you.

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  40. I love that Kentucky has settled so well. And will take away thoughts on anger and try to no longer take the anger home with me (wrapped up and with ribbons). Thanks.

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  41. Kentucky is looking lovely. And I like your method for dealing with rudeness. But only a fool would refuse your eggs!!

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  42. Good blog.
    And good story.
    I found you via Nick in belfast.

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